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libramoon Profile
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Mythological Bop


Twilight of Goddess Revelation

What twisted so maliciously your mind?
Your God -- Created that greedy leaders may more easily prevail?
Is it guilty shame, seeded by consistent training insisting that you fail?
Lost to balance, whole possibilities, unable to be free or sane
Eternal life is yours, we scream, while you destroy our birthright
in service to conjuror's dream of denial

but it's just for a while, while we learn what we were from the start
each creature alive to the beat of a self-reasoned heart


II.

Born other than imperial, torn into what we are told is real
without power to protect ourselves from venal brothers of the order
spreading hatred like any venereal disease
We no longer need to meet you cowering on our knees
Karma's a hot potent !@#$ unschooled in mercy
Witches reclaiming noble heritage, reframed herstories will prevail
Though born, forced to service, in our master's jail,
lost and lonely midst the masses, masked to fit expected forms


but it's just for a while, while we learn what we were from the start
each creature alive to the beat of a self-reasoned heart

 

III.

Listen, little one, watching every moment for our chance,
we will break free to adventurers' romance; dance away the chill of
foreign hills enrapt in leaves and grass. Hiding in primeval castles,
tightly aligned to a bright inner sphere, holding to hope of life to hold dear
Learning to fly, ride to some unknown side, escape from the herd hate stone,
can't be as hard as learning to stand alone.

but it's just for a while, while we learn what we were from the start
each creature alive to the beat of a self-reasoned heart

Last edited by libramoon, Jul/24/2010, 10:22 pm
Jul/10/2010, 1:59 pm Link to this post Send Email to libramoon   Send PM to libramoon Blog
 
pjouissance Profile
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Re: Mythological Bop


Hi, Libra,

This has huge potential, but there's a lot of work...

Dump the title. It undercuts the poem.

Mythological Bop

What twisted so maliciously your mind?
Is it your God -- Created that greedy leaders may more easily prevail?
Is it guilt and shame seeded by consistent training insisting that you fail?
Lost to balance, whole possibilities; lost ability to be free or sane
Eternal life is yours, we scream, while you destroy our birthright
in service to a conjured dream of denial
(this is overkill)

but it's just for a while, while we learn, become what we were from the start
each a creature alive to the beat of our own-reasoned heart
(I love this refrain)


II.

We born other than imperial, torn into what we are told is real
without power to protect ourselves from venal brothers of the order
spreading hatred like any venereal disease
We no longer need to meet you cowering on our knees
Karma's a hot potent !@#$ unschooled in mercy
Witches reclaiming noble heritage, reframing herstories will prevail
Though born and forced to serve in our master's jail,
lost and lonely midst the masses, masked to fit expected forms
(I understand the emotion and share it, but this needs to be honed and compressed)

but it's just for a while, while we learn, become what we were from the start
each a creature alive to the beat of our own-reasoned heart
(I'd dump the roman numerals)

  

III.

Listen, little one, watching every moment for our chance,
we will break free to adventure, romance; dance away the chill of
foreign hills etched in leaves and grass. Hiding in enchanted castles,
tightly aligned to a bright inner sphere, holding on for dear life
Learning to fly, ride to some other side, escape from the herd hate stone,
can't be as hard as learning to stand alone.
(how about you say something less romantic/fantasy about women and talk about how liberation would really help them?)

but it's just for a while, while we learn, become what we were from the start
each a creature alive to the beat of our own-reasoned heart

(I really like the refrain)

What I'm getting here is a sense of wonderful purpose and imagination, but a sort of sentimental way of looking at it. We're not princesses.It detracts from the poem to go all gauzy and romantic. I'd get tougher and work with the !@#$ line.

Thanks for the posting,

Auto
Jul/10/2010, 7:51 pm Link to this post Send Email to pjouissance   Send PM to pjouissance
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: Mythological Bop


Well this just resonates on the ear. Metrical pause and stress work nicely. Rhythmic line carries me along. Leit motif involving "beat of our own-reasoned heart" I am likely to remember long after I forget the poem. Damn but I wish I had found the phrase first.

Wait. Poem read a third time. Theme and language come through. Now I get the title. I was going to crit and parse certain usages. But now I get the poem's why. Poem is after Once and Future Goddess (Bop). Poem stands so far as I'm concerned. The little stuff, Libra, is your business.

Tere
Jul/10/2010, 11:27 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: Mythological Bop


hi Libra,

Count me as another fan of the two-line refrain. I'd tweak it a bit:

"but just for a while, while we learn what we were from the start"

I agree with Auto re: "overkill" in S1 and too "gauzy/romantic" towards the end.

"escape from the herd hate stone," is brilliant, I think.

My 2 cents to use or lose. It's good to see you posting here.

Chris
Jul/12/2010, 12:08 pm Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: Mythological Bop


Hi Libra,

I, too, am glad to see you posting here. Like Auto and Chris, I like the refrain, especially the tweak Chris offered.

Overall, the poem reads a bit wordy to me, more like an essay in parts than a poem. I suggest tightening the language throughout. For example:

"What twisted so maliciously your mind?
Your God -- Created that greedy leaders may more easily prevail?
Guilt and shame seeded by consistent training insisting that you fail?"

and:

"We no longer need to meet you on our knees" (If the we are "on our knees," the cowering is implied.)

and:

"Listen, little one, watching every moment for our chance,
we will break free; dance away the chill of
foreign hills etched in leaves and grass." (The use of free and dance imply "adventure, romance" and more.)

This is a startling, original line:

"Karma's a hot potent !@#$ unschooled in mercy"

As is:

"escape from the herd hate stone"

I hope this helps. Thanks for posting.


Jul/12/2010, 2:36 pm Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
libramoon Profile
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Re: Mythological Bop


Thanks all for taking the time to read, reflect, suggest. I am absorbing it all, while a bit overwhelmed with other projects. In the course of events, I will respond more thoroughly (as well as to all the fine literature you are providing to peruse, reflect upon, and perhaps come up with comments).

Peace,
Laurie
Jul/12/2010, 10:47 pm Link to this post Send Email to libramoon   Send PM to libramoon Blog
 
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Re: Mythological Bop


Kaitlin, yes wordy. It started out much more so, attrition editing still to go. Thanks for reminding me, and for your suggestions.
Jul/16/2010, 4:28 pm Link to this post Send Email to libramoon   Send PM to libramoon Blog
 
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Re: Mythological Bop


Thanks, Chris. I can always use more fans. I have been feeling that the refrain was a bit cumbersome. Thanks for the suggested tweak.
Jul/16/2010, 4:31 pm Link to this post Send Email to libramoon   Send PM to libramoon Blog
 
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Re: Mythological Bop


Tere, thanks so much for getting it. I do think it needs tweaking for better flow. Your understanding of the theme helps me to focus on working to bring it out more clearly.

 
Jul/16/2010, 4:35 pm Link to this post Send Email to libramoon   Send PM to libramoon Blog
 
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Re: Mythological Bop


Thanks for reading and and inaugurating comments, Auto. I hope you understand that to me the point of the piece was not feminism as such, but the more spiritual aspect of Goddess v. God worship mentalities. It is meant to be mythogical; but yes, honing is in order.

Peace,
Laurie
Jul/16/2010, 4:42 pm Link to this post Send Email to libramoon   Send PM to libramoon Blog
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: Mythological Bop


Hi Laurie,

The other day when Tere mentioned the Troubadours in another thread, I went to look them up in Joseph Campbell's Creative Mythology and came across this observation:

"The immanent yet lost--but not forgotten--realm within us all is in Celtic mythology and folklore allegorized variously as the Land below the Waves, the Land of Youth, the Fairy Hills and, in Arthurian romance, that Never Never land of the Lady of the Lake."

This reminded me of these lines your poem:

". . . Hiding in enchanted castles,
tightly aligned to a bright inner sphere, holding on for dear life
Learning to fly, ride to some other side, escape from the herd hate stone,
can't be as hard as learning to stand alone."

I wondered if the enchanted castles you referred to were of the Celtic variety rather than the more sentimental ones in children's fairy tales. If so, maybe you could tweak the line in such a way to make that distinction clearer.

Just a thought for you to consider--or not.

Jul/17/2010, 8:07 pm Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
libramoon Profile
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Re: Mythological Bop


Yes, indeed, Kaitlin. Not necessarily Celtic, but that feel of mythological Dark Ages.

Peace,
Laurie
Jul/17/2010, 9:28 pm Link to this post Send Email to libramoon   Send PM to libramoon Blog
 


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