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libramoon Profile
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colder thoughts


Not with a Bang

Stillness.
Light calmly shines
through bare-branch silhouettes.
Ice, frozen in time
sparkles, giving no reasons.
Still. Cold.
Natural cycles.
Out on the battlefield of man
brutal bleeding
shattering of bones and dreams
too loud and crazed
to be heard
reverberates in shattered brains.
Once a molten planet
shot out of star stuff
created plains and seas,
rocky terrain.
Spinning so merrily,
with no idea of sadness,
set into motion
spiraling cycles.

In crystal stillness
frozen tears break and fall
slowly, silently, into time
knowing not what we have wrought.

(c) February 17, 2007 Laurie Corzett/libramoon
Jul/10/2010, 3:59 pm Link to this post Send Email to libramoon   Send PM to libramoon Blog
 
pjouissance Profile
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Re: colder thoughts


Hi, libra (me too),

This poem is written with much sincerity and some nice language about cold. I think it goes a bit over the top into telling us what to think, a bit too obvious, but that can be fixed. The thing to watch out for is being blatantly moralistic...try being suggestive instead...

The thinking is kind of confused. A rewrite will help that.


Not with a Bang
(this seems like an off-key allusion. A better poem to allude to is "some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice." I'd quote a bit of it as an epigraph)

Stillness.
Light calmly shines
through bare-branch silhouettes.
(these are the best lines in the poem. They're almost a haiku in themselves. The image is vivid.)

Ice, frozen in time
sparkles, giving no reasons.
("what does "giving no reasons" mean?)

Still. Cold.
Natural cycles.
(Is this to suggest that the end of the world in ice is just nature without human intervention?)

Out on the battlefield of man
brutal bleeding
(I don't think you can bleed brutally)

shattering of bones and dreams
too loud and crazed
to be heard
(is the shattering too loud to be heard? are the bones loud and crazed? I'd work on syntax here, it's confusing)

reverberates in shattered brains.
("shatter" is an already overused word, so I sure wouldn't use it twice)

Once a molten planet
shot out of star stuff
("stuff" seems strangely slangy though I know you do mean the stuff of stars)

created plains and seas,
rocky terrain.
Spinning so merrily,
("merrily" is a little vague and sentimental)

with no idea of sadness,
(I wouldn't personalize earth this much)

set into motion
spiraling cycles.
(So the planet set all this into motion? Not man?)

In crystal stillness
frozen tears break and fall
(whose tears are these? Man is long gone, right?)

slowly, silently, into time
(I'd end the poem here)

knowing not what we have wrought.
(this is too moralistic. I get the idea that the poem is supposed to be about man causing the destruction, but the language is still pretty confusing, and seems to say it's just nature, not man)

Hope this gives you an idea or two, Libra,

take care,

Auto

Jul/10/2010, 6:27 pm Link to this post Send Email to pjouissance   Send PM to pjouissance
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: colder thoughts


Poem so works for me. Metrics, line rhythm, stacatto beat, enjambment. Too many good lines to name. But I know I'll remember the poem. Then the big thing: the poem's idea. The killing fields in the cold. I am thinking maybe Akhmatova would get the sense of this.

Poem's last line is all I'm having trouble with.

Tere
Jul/11/2010, 12:06 am Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 


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