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deepwaters Profile
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It's Only Apple that Remains (revision)


revised:
It's Only Apple that Remains

No one knows that you and I stole the garden one night
that we were not its law keepers who would come out

at night in the light of the fire flies to chase out
homeless clouds in the fear of morning dew’s delight

we were not a link on that yellow page in the judge's ledger, but
the lamp and the oil only one hair away from burning down the town

in the depth of your bed, full of hidden anger, we tasted the apple
and let its sweetness swell under our skins, and now in your absence

no one knows that only your daughter remains to offer me
the smell of your sweat wrapped in her laundry bag every week
--------------------------------------------
original:
Your Daughter Remains


No one knows that you and I
stole the garden one night

that we were not the greedy keepers
of the law of the garden
that we didn't come out at night
in the light of the fire flies
chasing homeless clouds

that we were not a link
on that yellow page
in the judge's ledger
but the lamp and the oil
only one hair away
from burning down the town

No one knows that in the depth
of your bed, full of hidden anger
we tasted the apple and let its
sweetness to swell under our skins

no one knows that
only Apple remains

Last edited by deepwaters, Jul/25/2009, 3:11 pm
Nov/23/2008, 5:19 pm Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: Your Daughter Remains


This is a poem. This is a poem, Shabfriend. Take out the ending couplet and you got a whole lot more of a poem.

Tere
Nov/23/2008, 10:47 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
deepwaters Profile
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Re: Your Daughter Remains


Tere -

Thank you. I changed the last couplet to something entirely different and changed the title. better? worse?
Nov/24/2008, 10:06 am Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
SallyMaria Profile
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Re: Only Apple Remains (formerly: Your Daughter Remains)




that we were not a link
on that yellow page
in the judge's ledger
but the lamp and the oil
only one hair away
from burning down the town

My favorite lines are above, but Terre's right, this is a tight poem that spills emotion - wonderful!

If I had to dig up a nit it would be that your first lines, the first stanza are confusing. "the greedy keepers of the law of the garden" threw me. But very quickly I don't care because I'm caught up in the poem.

You should feel very good about this poem.

sallymaria

Nov/25/2008, 10:23 am Link to this post Send Email to SallyMaria   Send PM to SallyMaria Blog
 
deepwaters Profile
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Re: It's Only Apple that Remains (revision)


Sallymaria -

Thank you for commenting and for your encouraging words. I have edited the piece.
Jan/26/2009, 12:13 am Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
SallyMaria Profile
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Re: It's Only Apple that Remains (revision)


Your revision turned out beautifully. I like the longer lines, it's engaging - makes the reader more attentive. These lines deserve that.

And while your prior ending was poetic, the revised lines communicate - gives so much more meaning to the whole poem. I like the way you move from the edgy surrealness to the concreteness of the bag of laundry. Good
write.





Jan/26/2009, 1:42 am Link to this post Send Email to SallyMaria   Send PM to SallyMaria Blog
 
carolinex Profile
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Re: It's Only Apple that Remains (revision)


I like this a lot too, very expressive. These were my only hangups...

No one knows that you and I stole the garden one night
that we were not its law keepers who would come out //this does feel awkward, you might simplify somehow? the keepers?


no one knows that only your daughter remains to offer me
the smell of your sweat wrapped in her laundry bag every week

This has an incestuous feel that I don't think you mean. What would his sweat be doing on the daughter's clothes? Otherwise, seems weird that she would be washing his laundry...
Jan/29/2009, 1:00 pm Link to this post Send PM to carolinex
 
deepwaters Profile
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Re: It's Only Apple that Remains (revision)


quote:

CarolineX wrote:

no one knows that only your daughter remains to offer me
the smell of your sweat wrapped in her laundry bag every week

This has an incestuous feel that I don't think you mean. What would his sweat be doing on the daughter's clothes? Otherwise, seems weird that she would be washing his laundry...



hmm, you are right. my only intention was to express that the daughter's smell is similar to the father's...nothing incestuous going on.

Feb/3/2009, 11:15 pm Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
dmanister Profile
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Re: It's Only Apple that Remains (revision)


The poem at the top with the longer lines is the revision?

I like them both, except for the couplet ending the 2nd poem down.

The shorter lines work better for me. And the images in that version are clearer.

Maybe combine them?

Love the ending of the topmost poem. Excellent work! Thanks for posting!

Diana

.
Jun/10/2009, 11:12 am Link to this post Send Email to dmanister   Send PM to dmanister
 
Yolee Profile
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Re: It's Only Apple that Remains (revision)


Hello Deep

The only suggestion

"only your daughter remains to offer sweat-scents very much like yours wrapped in her laundry bag every week"

Enjoyed.

Yoly
Jun/12/2009, 1:44 pm Link to this post Send Email to Yolee   Send PM to Yolee
 
deepwaters Profile
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Re: It's Only Apple that Remains (revision)


Diana -

Sorry for the delayed reply.
quote:

The poem at the top with the longer lines is the revision?


Yes, I marked them as revised and original now.

quote:

The shorter lines work better for me. And the images in that version are clearer.


I, myself, keep going back & forth and cannot make up my mind. Story of my life.

Thank you for the generous assessment.


-----------------------------------
Yoly-

Thank you for commenting. My personal preference is to leave out 'very much like yours.' I feel that it should be left to the reader to see that part without my handing it to them. Just a personal taste probably emoticon

Thanks again.
-shab
Jul/25/2009, 3:16 pm Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
dmanister Profile
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Re: It's Only Apple that Remains (revision)


Shab,

You can thank me more by offering a crit of one of my poems! Anything you have to say will be welcome.

Diana
Jul/26/2009, 8:08 am Link to this post Send Email to dmanister   Send PM to dmanister
 


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