Runboard.com
You're welcome.
Community logo






runboard.com       Sign up (learn about it) | Sign in (lost password?)

 
SallyMaria Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Being Maria (revised)


I haven't resolved S-4 - I'm pondering


Being Maria (revised)


On the days I am Maria,
dragonflies land on my arms
hummingbirds hover before my face,
and birds fly into windows
to tell me of death.

When I am Maria,
leaves grow into the house,
my skin turns brown,
eagles land in the birdbath.

When I am Maria,
words don’t come from my mouth,
choosing instead to enter my dreams,
then scatter on empty pages.

On the days I am Maria,
I climb the walls of my father’s house,
stand in the garden,
and wish he had become a priest.

When I am Maria,
my mother is with me.
Her fingers ruffle my thick hair,
she guides color through my fingers,
and lures me to chocolate.

On the days I am Maria,
I have a name,
I look like one of the family,
my grandmothers float over my head
one holding a pen, the other,
a tube of cadmium red.


original

Being Maria


On the days I am Maria,
dragonflies land on my arms
hummingbirds hover before my face,
and birds fly into windows
to tell me of a death.

When I am Maria,
leaves grow into the house,
my skin turns browner,
eagles land in my birdbath.

When I am Maria,
words don’t come from my mouth,
choosing instead to enter my dreams,
then scatter on empty pages.

On the days I am Maria,
I climb the walls of my father’s house,
stand in the garden,
and wish he had become a priest.

When I am Maria,
my mother is with me.
Her fingers ruffle my thick hair,
she guides color through my fingers,
and lures me to chocolate.

On the days I am Maria,
I have a name,
I look like one of the family,
my grandmothers float over my head
one holding a pen, the other a paintbrush.




Last edited by SallyMaria, Feb/1/2009, 12:58 am
Nov/25/2008, 11:06 am Link to this post Send Email to SallyMaria   Send PM to SallyMaria Blog
 
Zakzzz5 Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: Being Maria


Sally Maria,

References back to family, in a big way. Wish I could copy it here, so I could identify particular lines. But the lines that stick with me are thoughts of death, wish father (or grandfather) had been a priest (very cryptic), a mother running hand through girl’s thick hair, being part of family. Would it be safe to say, an altered experience?

I say this with some trepidation. Because of the name “Maria” and the influences I see from Garcia Marquez. Maybe I’m heading down the wrong alley, and you’ll have to forgive me if I am. But this poem seems to be about sharing “another” experience to an English reading audience. Bringing some of it here. The problem, for me personally – and I stress that – is that nothing seems to translate completely. We get a sense, but not the full experience. Language is always a barrier. So I’ll be interested in seeing what the others say, and I know I’ll be partially wrong. That’s how these boards work, right?

The references to hummingbirds hovering is fabulous. That sense sets up the later entry into a dream state. The wish that father had been a priest went over my head. Could that be cleared up a bit? Maybe my problem. We’ll see if others get it. The chocolate reference has been done, even in movies, so it comes across a big strong. Others who aren’t familiar with the genre may like it more. “I look like one of the family” for me is the strongest line. It really brings it home, rolling over any little problems I may have pointed out. Thanks for writing. Look forward to more.

ps – I just discovered the "quote" function, after I posted this. Next time I'll be able to go line-by-line. So my regrets above about not being able to copy here are no longer valid. Disregard them. Zak

 


Last edited by Zakzzz5, Nov/27/2008, 6:38 am
Nov/27/2008, 6:34 am Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
SallyMaria Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: Being Maria


Hi Zak, It's so good seeing you here - can't wait to see your writing.

You are on target in that the poem is about that half of me that is Colombian. Maria is my birth name. I was given up for adoption, later found my mother, and the concept of "father" is ambivalent because he is.

So the poem (to me) is about the alienation of growing up one and being another, the conflict and resolution of identity, and a celebration of that other world that seems so foreign to many.

I realize that I hint at issues (particularly father) that are unresolved. But then they are unresolved.

I hoped the father stanza would leave the reader with the general impression that there were "father issues", perhaps thinking about the different ways "priest" could be taken, and then go on.

To me it can be taken a number of ways...all true. A priest generally doesn't have children to give away. But Latin American priests often have children, who they most always recognize and accept. Then too...so many priests, particularly Jesuits, have incredible love for the people they serve. They pave the streets with the Popes money,
they have written blueprints for revolution.
All of this is so complicated - writing more felt like it would tip the poem off balance. So I left it as it was. But I do need to know if it becomes something the reader can't move on from. So I thank you for your observation.

The question with for me is whether this holds enough water to stay together or whether it raises so much question that the reader will leave confused, dissatisfied.

Thanks so much for your read and feedback...

sm
Nov/29/2008, 11:33 am Link to this post Send Email to SallyMaria   Send PM to SallyMaria Blog
 
deepwaters Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: Being Maria


Sallymaria -
This poem speaks to me. I read it as an internal split in the narrator, before reading the comments. I thought it was a reflection of your name sally-maria, and that the presence of the two names meant that there are two identities. The reason it spoke to me was that my face was born in a country different than my voice...so this conflict of being a different person at various times of your life spoke to me. Below is my two cents:


Being Maria


On the days I am Maria,
dragonflies land on my arms
hummingbirds hover before my face,
and birds fly into windows [
I would get rid of 'and'
to tell me of a death.
when I saw 'a death' I thought I would know what it meant later on, but I never did....perhaps that's my missing something

When I am Maria,
leaves grow into the house,
my skin turns browner,
eagles land in my birdbath.


When I am Maria,
words don’t come from my mouth,
choosing instead to enter my dreams,
then scatter on empty pages.
I like the concept of words entering dreams instead of being spoken, but I find the construction awkward

On the days I am Maria,
I climb the walls of my father’s house,
stand in the garden,
and wish he had become a priest.
this is the most intriguing hook in the piece for me...priests typically do not have kids, so it seems like the narrator is regretting being born? if the intention is to show that the narrator regrets *that* father as a father and does not regret her life, then I think there needs to be something more in here.

When I am Maria,
my mother is with me.
Her fingers ruffle my thick hair,
she guides color through my fingers,
and lures me to chocolate.

On the days I am Maria,
I have a name,
I look like one of the family,
my grandmothers float over my head
one holding a pen, the other a paintbrush.
my first reading of this was that one grandmother is educated and the other a day worker - but then I realized maybe one is the one that is good with words and the other is one that is a painter, creative...and then I get confused because the writer would be creative too. so, is the piece saying that both grandmothers were creators?

like I said, just my two cents. maybe something in there is useful. thanks for the post.




Jan/26/2009, 12:38 am Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
SallyMaria Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: Being Maria


Thanks for reading well, and it's encouraging to know that you found bits of yourself in it. Your comments really give perspective.

The poem is sort of a listing...with birds foretelling death as part of the description. But clearly I don't want to
lose the reader in S1.

Good eye. The priest S is the heart of the poem but it's not working. I wish he had a heart, that he saw the divine in the poor instead of condemning them.. When I searched for him (at one point)there was a revolutionary priest who had the same name emoticon

And yes, one grandmother was an artist (perhaps she could hold a tube of pigment),
the other a poet. I didn't know either but felt them with me.

Thank you again for your insight. It helps.
Jan/26/2009, 2:05 am Link to this post Send Email to SallyMaria   Send PM to SallyMaria Blog
 
Terreson Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: Being Maria


How the hell did I miss this poem? It has been on the board since November. I know how. I've been so god damn busy building a board I've been missing out on stuff. I'll be so glad when the board is built and I can get back to what really matters.

Sally Maria, this is a fine poem. It speaks to me. The prosodic control is there, doesn't need commenting on. The heart in the poem is what speaks clearly. I also notice how the poem is tectonically built. Each strophe is a poem in itself, an epigram. I am not supposed to know about such things. But they say the Persian ghazal form operates similarly.

I think the big thing that comes through in the poem is a certain voice. I'll call it Freida Kalo's voice and hope you understand.

If you are posting also on an IBPC associated board I sure hope this poem gets the recognition. It's a stopper.

Tere
Jan/26/2009, 2:40 am Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
deepwaters Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: Being Maria


hi TerreSir-
I have been MIA for various reasons but hope to hang around this time.

quote:

the big thing that comes through in the poem is a certain voice. I'll call it Freida Kalo's voice


Don't ask me how or why, but this totally makes sense to me. I couldn't agree more...it is Fridaesque.

Jan/26/2009, 10:01 am Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
SallyMaria Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: Being Maria


Thanks for catching this Tere... I always have trouble detaching from personal poems, and knowing it connected means a lot.

I'm still swimming in the lower forums at CP, because there are some good people there and you do get a variety of readers. So no IBPC, but lots of ego. SCWW has been removed as a participant.

I have written a lot, but things were slow here and I didn't want to overwhelm the board emoticon


Jan/26/2009, 1:27 pm Link to this post Send Email to SallyMaria   Send PM to SallyMaria Blog
 
Terreson Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: Being Maria


Sally Maria, don't worry about swamping the board, as you put it. That we have no quota system is deliberate. The notion always took the fun out of the (free) exchange. You'll give what you get. I know that about you. Besides, I figure members are smart enough to early on detect spammer-poets who don't give as much as they themselves need. Reciprocity is the by-word.

And, yes, the board is slow, will be slow enough until we can establish a wider membership. Experience tells me that it takes a roster of 100 or so folk to get 10 to 20 active participants. All the more, since, many artists are not reporters who write to meet a deadline. But we'll get there. So don't sweat the small stuff. Just have fun. By the way, the only requirement for gaining membership is a single post. No qualification process involved. This too is deliberate

About the poem. Get it out there. This just might have duende.

And, Shabfriend, good to see you surfacing. Not to worry about going MIA. I think your habit is to appear when you do. Works for me. By the way, big congrats on your IBPC win for Jan. The poem just might be stunning. Certainly it is a stopper. (Thanks for the correction. Frida it is. And thanks for getting what the allusion meant.)

Tere
Jan/26/2009, 8:40 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
SallyMaria Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: Being Maria


Thanks Terre - I'll be more around emoticon
Jan/26/2009, 11:59 pm Link to this post Send Email to SallyMaria   Send PM to SallyMaria Blog
 
deepwaters Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: Being Maria (revised)


quote:

SallyMaria wrote:

I haven't resolved S-4 - I'm pondering



in your earlier post, you mentioned that Latin American priests are those who can have children, hence your use of wishing the father to be a priest. Is there any way to convey that fact? maybe use the Spanish word for priest?
 -shab
Feb/12/2009, 9:58 pm Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
SallyMaria Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: Being Maria (revised)


Shab - interesting idea. It happens...the kids call them papa padre or padre papa

But then that gets confusing because many know they call the Pope Papa too emoticon


sally
Feb/13/2009, 2:06 am Link to this post Send Email to SallyMaria   Send PM to SallyMaria Blog
 
aticama Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: Being Maria (revised)


Maria

Como sta. This is a great poem about the dichotomy in all of our lives. Having a good life but wishing it was different. Even better then that it is a good poem.

Maria, did you know that the gecko for the Huichol Indians of west central Mexico is a messenger from God that talks directly to the shaman. In what you do you are a shaman, because you do it well.

Gracias tanto para esta escritura buena. Trataré muy recordar duramente su lección. Cuando Mescalito una vez me dijo, "sólo usted sabe la senda a la felicidad". Usted acaba de me recordar de esa lección.

Best, berto.


---
Censorship is the last desperate tool of the weak minded and verbally compromised. aticama@comcast,net
http://american-horse-enterprises.com
Mar/7/2009, 12:36 am Link to this post Send Email to aticama   Send PM to aticama Yahoo Blog
 
aticama Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: Being Maria (revised)


Maria

Como sta. This is a great poem about the dichotomy in all of our lives. Having a good life but wishing it was different. Even better then that it is a good poem.

Maria, did you know that the gecko for the Huichol Indians of west central Mexico is a messenger from God that talks directly to the shaman. In what you do you are a shaman, because you do it well.

Gracias tanto para esta escritura buena. Trataré muy recordar duramente su lección. Cuando Mescalito una vez me dijo, "sólo usted sabe la senda a la felicidad". Usted acaba de me recordar de esa lección.

Best, berto.


---
Censorship is the last desperate tool of the weak minded and verbally compromised. aticama@comcast,net
http://american-horse-enterprises.com
Mar/7/2009, 12:36 am Link to this post Send Email to aticama   Send PM to aticama Yahoo Blog
 
Zakzzz5 Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: Being Maria (revised)


Maria,

I'm uncertain about a tube of cadmium red. Not saying one way or the other. Cadmium gives me the impression of something nuclear. Probably no relation, but certainly something toxic. Maybe it's not toxic. And tube gives me the impression of the modern world, though of course, the native Americans had tubular devices. It's just got me thinking. Zak
Mar/8/2009, 5:42 am Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
dmehl808 Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: Being Maria (revised)


Maria, or Sally, I think this is a beautiful piece. I really don't have anything critical nit-wise to say about it. I enjoyed it.
Mar/21/2009, 11:00 am Link to this post Send Email to dmehl808   Send PM to dmehl808
 
Yolee Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: Being Maria (revised)


Hi Maria

I think I'm commented on this somewhere before.
I really like the idea of Being Maria..
It makes me feel better acquainted to you, the writer.
I also think you left a window open to write about the days you are not Maria.
I'd very much like to read that.
The poem reads well and has a special ring to it: Family being the central key.

Cheers,
Yoly
May/20/2009, 8:32 am Link to this post Send Email to Yolee   Send PM to Yolee
 


Add a reply





You are not logged in (login)