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carolinex Profile
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Elephant Tears


(I am mostly wondering about the third s in this one, again, my stanza breaks and punctuation, and also the title, but any comments welcome...)

When my grandmother died
we had a party to celebrate
her life and no one cried.

I hid by the side of the house,
behind the fence where
the dirt was rock,

impenetrable,
and I stopped growing.

When I die
wail to the whales,
cry elephant tears that fill a sea,
drift to useless places
in your leaky boat,

wear forty strands of grey seeds,
each day remove one 
until you can be 
light again.
Nov/25/2008, 6:09 pm Link to this post Send PM to carolinex
 
SallyMaria Profile
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Re: Elephant Tears


I like this little poem of yours maybe the most. It's very high on the list. I think you go somewhere with this instead of just flirting with it. I'll think aloud with comments....

When my grandmother died
we had a party to celebrate
her life and no one cried.

(I really think you need a comma after "life")

I hid by the side of the house,
behind the fence where
the dirt was rock,

impenetrable,
and I stopped growing.

(I love the lines above. No one seemed to care, but you became invisible and imploded)

When I die
wail to the whales,
cry elephant tears that fill a sea,
drift to useless places
in your leaky boat,

(maybe useless place - remove the s?)

wear forty strands of grey seeds,
each day remove one
until you can be
light again.

(this idea just makes so much sense. I'm finding I'm so carried away with what you have said that I can't pay attention to punctuation. Maybe that means it's ok)
Nov/26/2008, 4:55 pm Link to this post Send Email to SallyMaria   Send PM to SallyMaria Blog
 
carolinex Profile
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Re: Elephant Tears


Thanks Sally. I think you are right about that comma.

Someone in my writer's group didn't understand it all. It's good to know you like it so much.
Nov/28/2008, 8:57 pm Link to this post Send PM to carolinex
 
SallyMaria Profile
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Re: Elephant Tears


That is almost impossible to believe. Well, ignore that person. emoticon
Nov/29/2008, 12:20 am Link to this post Send Email to SallyMaria   Send PM to SallyMaria Blog
 


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