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susanculver Profile
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Attempting to Nap During the Neighbor's Backyard Barbecue


Laughter moving around each grass blade. Crawling easily over the fence - that bindweed. And in the air above it: it becomes a chorus.

The ringleader has a voice like a rodeo trickster's rope. Lassoes itself a ripe and feminine squeal. And then another.

"Joey, stop," the squealish woman-voice says, a portion of each word dedicated to breath. And then, following a soft drama-pause, comes the great confession or else the great reason for such a request.

"I've got no underwear on," she says. The whole block pricks its ears.

Silence gives the required intake. Ponders such notions while the mercury hitches a little higher its silver skirt and the roses do sweat their musky scent. The moment is fractured with an older woman's guffaw, heavy with years. With Benson & Hedges. She stops to cough. To let the other instruments pick up where they left off.

Again, begins the chorus.

And motion, motion. As if Sundays were created for things such as this, all wayward sprinklers and cutoff jeans. Legs that haven't seen the sun this season and foodsmoke seeping through the screen. Underpants: optional.

"I think we're gonna need some more beer," calls the trickster. A baby squalls. "Donna, where the hell are the horseshoes?" hollers the neighbor.

Cough, cough, guffaw. I roll to my back as there comes a twisted path of directions. Three people who do not want cheese on their hamburgers.

The stakes are being raised with the radio's volume and, soon, the steady clank of metal to metal. The things men call one another while engaging in friendly competition.

A child's voice. "Can we do the fireworks now?"

No, not now, but soon enough. I rise with a sigh. Soon enough.
Nov/7/2010, 11:00 am Link to this post Send Email to susanculver   Send PM to susanculver Blog
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: Attempting to Nap During the Neighbor's Backyard Barbecue


What fun! This may be the sort of thing I enjoy the most in writers/observers. Kind of like giving a tableau vivant. Frankly, I am glad the narrator got disturbed. My favorite is this:

And motion, motion. As if Sundays were created for things such as this, all wayward sprinklers and cutoff jeans. Legs that haven't seen the sun this season and foodsmoke seeping through the screen. Underpants: optional.

Tere
Nov/7/2010, 1:44 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
susanculver Profile
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Re: Attempting to Nap During the Neighbor's Backyard Barbecue


Thanks, Tere. It's crazy, the things one discovers about their neighbors during the course of a barbecue. Of course, in a small town, you know your neighbors far too well anyway. And what you don't know about them, you make up. emoticon
Nov/8/2010, 11:25 pm Link to this post Send Email to susanculver   Send PM to susanculver Blog
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: Attempting to Nap During the Neighbor's Backyard Barbecue


hey Susan,

What Tere said. I'm impressed by how the title establishes POV--and how the POV shades the narrative. Just enough, not too much; a way for the reader to identify.

Chris
Nov/10/2010, 1:05 pm Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
susanculver Profile
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Re: Attempting to Nap During the Neighbor's Backyard Barbecue


Thank you, Chris.

I'm glad the POV worked for you.
Nov/12/2010, 5:26 pm Link to this post Send Email to susanculver   Send PM to susanculver Blog
 
Alkiviades Profile
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Re: Attempting to Nap During the Neighbor's Backyard Barbecue


A fantastic read. The opening promised a good time would be had by the reader, and indeed it was.



Aug/1/2011, 4:54 pm Link to this post Send Email to Alkiviades   Send PM to Alkiviades Blog
 
elizabeth anne Profile
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Re: Attempting to Nap During the Neighbor's Backyard Barbecue


Love it!

Liz
Aug/2/2011, 2:31 pm Link to this post Send Email to elizabeth anne   Send PM to elizabeth anne Blog
 


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