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Zakzzz5 Profile
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The Traveler Stops to Rest


The Traveler Stops to Rest

Going flat out
towards Knoxville
through fog, should slow
down but don't

have gotten off
to a side street,
lured by a shining light,
turn into a garage

Every blue-hatted demon
I've known
is there on rows of stools

(When you go fast
by roads you should
not turn on

When you go by
groves of trees
glistening in moonlight,

Arrive as you are
weary traveler
come to the broken-
light hotel;

Where the clerk
is a reflection
of your fears.)
Dec/13/2008, 8:28 am Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: The Traveler Stops to Rest


Zakman, this has that voice of yours I've called your Edward Hopper voice. Visual is clean, Narrative progression balanced. Syntax taut. Ending tercet is the only weak part. "is a reflection / of your fears" becomes an editorial when the whole of the poem has worked in stark image. Or so I think.

Tere
Dec/13/2008, 4:12 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
carolinex Profile
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Re: The Traveler Stops to Rest


I like this too Zak. There is a lot of ambiguity which gives it a richness. It seems specific in terms of place but turns into something surreal that I can't pin down. Feels very dreamlike.

Some impressions, questions...

The Traveler Stops to Rest//makes me think of metaphor of life, life as a journey, the poem works as metaphor for me, how we take these side ways roads that can be a big mistake

Going flat out
towards Knoxville
through fog, should slow
down but don't

have gotten off//awkward? skip "have gotten"? or maybe lured to a side street by...
to a side street,//I know about these side streets emoticon
lured by a shining light,
turn into a garage

Every blue-hatted demon
I've known
is there on rows of stools//these are my favorite lines because they capture my imagination though I am feeling confused too. Are the stools in the garage, this must be beyond the garage, in the hotel. Or are these trees outside the garage? OR inside the narrators mind...

(When you go fast
by roads you should
not turn on

When you go by
groves of trees
glistening in moonlight,

Arrive as you are
weary traveler
come to the broken-
light hotel; //I like broken light. I find myself curious about this hotel, but that might be another poem...

Where the clerk
is a reflection
of your fears.)
 
Dec/13/2008, 8:45 pm Link to this post Send PM to carolinex
 
SallyMaria Profile
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Re: The Traveler Stops to Rest


Hi Zak, You have gotten some good suggestions, and I agree this poem has a surreal, dream-like quality that makes it magnetic. I'm not experienced enough here to know how in-depth a crit is welcome, and I don't want to touch your voice or style - but I have some thoughts.

I have been doing a lot of reading, listening to a diversity of poets read (bless the IPod),
and I'm seeing that (in my case) workshops have encouraged me to be (at times) so sparse that my poems seem constrained. That rule: that every word is necessary can get blurry when it comes to pronouns and articles - and my read may be very different than the next read. My feel on this poem is that it reads sparse when that contradicts the feel of the poem.


The Traveler Stops to Rest

Going flat out
towards Knoxville
through fog, should slow
down but don't

have gotten off
to a side street,
lured by a shining light,
turn into a garage

("gotten off to" is awkward...Turn on a side street? Lured by neon I turn on a side street, roll in a garage...?)

Every blue-hatted demon
I've known
is there on rows of stools

(Love this stanza. To me, this makes the poem. It's a haunting image that comes from a movie, a dream, a bad experience...)

(When you go fast
by roads you should
not turn on

(The transition to this second part seems shaky. The N voice is fascinating, it belongs here, but the switch is too abrupt.)

When you go by
groves of trees
glistening in moonlight,

(a wonderfully ominous stanza...haunting)

Arrive as you are
weary traveler
come to the broken-
light hotel;

(not sure you need "as you are.."

Where the clerk
is a reflection
of your fears.)

(The feel here is great - but agree that "fear" could be replaced with a more descriptive word - even if it's as simple as
"is a reflection of a sweat-filled nightmare,
or "a bad dream on a hot night" - something.

Hope I don't offend.. This poem grabbed me. It quickly took me to a very uncomfortable place. I just think it needs some honing.

Good writing,

sally
Dec/16/2008, 12:07 pm Link to this post Send Email to SallyMaria   Send PM to SallyMaria Blog
 
Zakzzz5 Profile
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Re: The Traveler Stops to Rest


Thanks for reading, Mr. Terreson. That Edward Hopper. Yeah, the "fear" thing seems to be something people think must go. I'll look at it. When I'm writing these things I don't see the cliche. I'm in a bind now. Zak

quote:

Terreson wrote:

Zakman, this has that voice of yours I've called your Edward Hopper voice. Visual is clean, Narrative progression balanced. Syntax taut. Ending tercet is the only weak part. "is a reflection / of your fears" becomes an editorial when the whole of the poem has worked in stark image. Or so I think.

Tere



Dec/16/2008, 6:49 pm Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 


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