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Not a Lucid Dream
Not a Lucid Dream (revised)
She is not some willowy fragile damsel Queen
awaiting champions to compete
for her hand.
She is not grand, Imperious.
Not more than a child, yet strong of will,
of purpose.
She sings herself
deep lullabies enticing
prophetic dreams.
Potent streams, unconscious bliss,
offer drenching.
Hydrating water falls
drawn down, to release all pretense,
to surrender to fate --
or collaborate in adventure.
It takes a Queen to drink
from the sacred cup, to
read the trails of sludge,
to answer.
She heeds serendipity's call,
heals her aching wound,
hears soft moisture mark her path.
Cracking ice spells runes to
guide, sprite luminous shades.
Wavery blue, ectoplasmic arms
trace salutations.
This is not lucid dreaming.
This is the sign promised.
Taste the frozen blood;
know its story, sharp, shining.
Live the legend,
even when
it is furthest from your mind.
------------------
Not a Lucid Dream
She is not some willowy fragile damsel Queen
waiting for champions to compete
for her hand.
She is not grand, Imperious.
Not more than a child, yet strong of will,
of purpose.
She sings herself to sleep,
deep lullabies enticing
prophetic dreams.
Potent streams of consciousness
offer drenching
hydration.
To drown, to release all pretense,
to surrender to fate --
or collaborate in adventure.
It takes a Queen to drink
from the sacred cup, to
read the trails of sludge,
to answer.
She heeds the call,
heals her aching wound,
hears soft moisture mark her path.
Cracking ice, spelling runes,
guide, sprite luminous shades.
Wavery arms, blue ectoplasm,
trace salutations.
This is not lucid dreaming.
This is the sign promised.
Taste the frozen blood;
know its story, sharp, shining.
Live the legend,
even when
it is furthest from your mind.
January 17, 2012
Last edited by libramoon, Mar/16/2012, 8:52 pm
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Jan/17/2012, 10:24 pm
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Re: Not a Lucid Dream
hi Libra,
Thank you again, for keeping this thread lively. I spent several days working on what turned out to be a white rabbit poem , one in which I fell down a rabbit hole. Oh well, at least I'm writing and will, hopefully, write something worth posting.
Had a nit or two re: the first line of your poem. The word "some" starts the poem out with a slouchy quality imo. I'd prefer the word 'a':
She is not a fragile Queen
waiting for a champion
She is not grand...
Guess I like my language less adorned.
Thanks again for the post,
Chris
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Jan/18/2012, 9:30 am
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Re: Not a Lucid Dream
Hi Libra,
I hate to start out by disagreeing with Chris, but I like the use of "some" in the first line. It sets a certain tone that tells us something about the narrator as well as the would-be queen. I tried reading this poem in relation to "Solar Return" and liked the coupling. I noticed the way you moved from "she" to "you" in this poem, and I think that approach works better here than if you had used "you" throughout. I also like the title.
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Jan/18/2012, 9:50 am
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Re: Not a Lucid Dream
Well, Libra, I'd go with Kat's crit if I were you. She's the best critter I know.
Chris
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Jan/18/2012, 1:51 pm
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Re: Not a Lucid Dream
Thanks to you both for reading, commenting, and caring.
I like the "some" because it implies a biased classification.
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Jan/18/2012, 5:57 pm
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Re: Not a Lucid Dream
Libra, I hope you don't mind and/or can forgive a small detour in your thread:
Thanks, Chris, but you know I don't feel like a good critter at all. (Maybe I''l take the topic up in the thread Arka started about workshopping and revision in Discussion I.) Was thinking you might want to put that white rabbbit poem in Chalkboard and Billboard. Might help prime the pump. Improv, poem-a-day-poems, etc. don't always come together, but can sometimes lead to something later on. Just a thought.
Now back to Libra's poem!
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Jan/22/2012, 9:07 am
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Re: Not a Lucid Dream
Poem's title carries over an excellent idea, says without saying what the poem wants to body forth. Not a lucid dream. Forces the question: a muddled dream, a slow and turgid dream, a murky dream, a brackish colored dream? Kind of like the possibilities. You are a thinker.
Some word choices I would not have made. Hydration and salutation being two such. But that is just me. Sludge image works for me. Even queens, it seems, must trade in sludge, what I kind of read as experience.
According to one modern interpretation, the ancient Celts thought of the Goddess, the Queen, as Sovereignty, she who is the face of the land itself. That is how I set your poem.
Tere
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Feb/4/2012, 12:00 pm
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Re: Not a Lucid Dream
Hi libra,
Yes to the changes you've made. The revision is more precise, concise and yet more layered. All positives in my book.
Last edited by Katlin, Mar/18/2012, 7:47 am
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Mar/18/2012, 7:43 am
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