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In Love and War (Revised)


Revision:

I

Kiss-curl curved as a bird’s beak
pecking at one fair cheek,
star-lit halo of an
expensive
rinse,

gold-fish pout with a hint of
rubies; I’m done with
love’s frills &
flounce.

To hell with playing the eternal
Venus rising from her shell.
Beady-eyed harpies,
scenting
a kill,

eager as hell, the emerald
earrings, & you:
the diamond
stud.

11

Love, my arch enemy, I'm done.
Let's go to war, desolate
in defeat cracked lips,
drinking rum from
tin-cups.

Amidst the shelling & flares
of Kalashnikovs, amidst
the wounded & the
dead let’s talk
of battles
lost.

Let’s show our battle-scars
that ring of clear blue sky
through your big toe,
when I fired &
you didn’t
jump.

Let’s talk of how you were holed
up for three nights without
food or water. How I
pushed for that
final assault
& you

staggered out, eyes blinded, hands
in the air. How you hid that sharp
steel blade in the curve of your
heel & stabbed me in the
back as I fell in love
with your flinch
of pain.

let’s talk of brutal surrender.


ORIGINAL:

I

Kiss-curl curved, as a bird’s beak,
pecking at one fair cheek.
Star-lit halo of an
expensive
rinse.

Coal-rimmed eyes, dropping pearls.
Gold-fish pout with a hint of
rubies. I’m done with
love’s, frills
and flounce.

Candle-lit dinner, table for two.
The dumb, fool moon so damn
full. casting shadows:
leaves in wine,
trees, cut in
glass.

Humming birds flying with spoons.
Silver silhouettes in pools of
blue - I’m done with
narcissistic
drowning.

To hell with playing
the eternal Venus
rising from her
shell.

Beady-eyed harpies, scenting
a kill, eager as hell, the
emerald earrings,
and you:

the diamond
stud.

II

My arch enemy, love, I'm done.
Let’s go to war, desolate
in defeat, cracked lips,
drinking rum from
tin-cups.

Drums of war, the musical score,
amidst the flares and shelling
of Kalashnikovs, amidst
the wounded and the
dead, let’s talk
of battles
lost.

Let’s show our battle-scars
that ring of clear blue sky
through your big toe,
clean as a whistle,
when I fired and
you didn’t
jump.

Let’s talk of how you were holed
up, for three nights, without
food or water. How I
pushed for that
final assault
and you

staggered out, eyes blinded, hands
in the air. How you hid that sharp
steel blade, in the curve of your
heel and stabbed me in the
back, as I fell in love
with your flinch
of pain.

Let’s talk of brutal surrender.




Last edited by queenfisher, Feb/20/2014, 3:36 am
Feb/29/2012, 3:42 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: In Love and War


hi queenfisher,

It's the last three sections I find most riveting, starting with: "Let's show our battle scars." What a freaky and fresh image of sky showing through the big toe, what a couple of ferocious lovers,

Chris
Mar/1/2012, 5:41 pm Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
Zakzzz5 Profile
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Re: In Love and War


queenfisher,

The two sections are so dissimilar that they are almost two poems. The outstanding feature of the first section is its beauty. Again, I'm taken back to an earlier time when beauty in poetry was more appreciated. This site seems to appreciate the traditions of the past a little more than other sites I'm familiar with. Of course, I'm not familiar with very many sites.

The second section was so saturated with war imagery, that I became mesmerized with that in itself, as if that imagery pushed out the related imagery of love.

I enjoyed the poem. Thanks for posting. Zak

quote:

queenfisher wrote:

I

Kiss-curl curved as a bird’s beak
pecking at one fair cheek,
star-lit halo of an
expensive
rinse,

droopy eyes dropping pearls,
gold-fish pout with a hint
of rubies; I’m done
with love’s frills
& flounce.

Candle-lit dinner, table for two,
the moon so full, the dumb
fool, casting shadows:
leaves in wine,
trees cut in
glass.

Humming birds flying with spoons,
silver silhouettes in pools of
blue - I’m done with
narcissistic
drowning.

To hell with playing
the eternal Venus
rising from
her shell.

Beady-eyed harpies, scenting
a kill, eager as hell, the
emerald earrings,
& you:

the diamond
stud.

II

Love, my arch enemy, let’s go
to war, desolate in defeat,
cracked lips, drinking
rum from tin-
cups.

Drums of war the musical score,
amidst the shelling & flares
of Kalashnikovs, amidst
the wounded & the
dead let’s talk
of battles
lost.

Let’s show our battle-scars
that ring of clear blue sky
through your big toe,
clean as a whistle
when I fired &
you didn’t
jump.

Let’s talk of how you were holed
up for three nights without
food or water. How I
pushed for that
final assault
& you

staggered out, eyes blinded, hands
in the air. How you hid that sharp
steel blade in the curve of your
heel & stabbed me in the
back as I fell in love
with your flinch
of pain.

let’s talk of brutal surrender.





Mar/2/2012, 9:10 am Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: In Love and War


Hi qf,

The first thing that strikes me about this poem is the of layout of the stanzas, which look like a series of unfurled flags flying. Fitting for the title. Section I is very strong imagistically. Love the lines:

. . . I’m done
with love’s frills
& flounce.

Section II is also strong, especially because you are able to sustain the extended battle metaphor throughout. I found S1 a bit confusing because "let's go to war" is followed by "desolate in defeat." That makes it sound as if the war has already been fought and lost. Reading on I discover that is actually the case, so "let's go to war" seems more like "we went to war" or "let's go to war again." Not sure why I stumble there when no one else has.

I like the inclusion of the word "Kalashnikovs" and the hole in the big toe is indeed a fresh and freaky image. I like the look of the final one line stanza. "Brutal surrender." I would have gone with unconditional surrender because I like the ironic association with unconditional love, but "brutal surrender" is in itself unconditional, more direct, less ironic than unconditional surrender would have been.

A unique take, well developed. I get the feeling of a modern day Plath/Sexton in section I. An accomplished poem, I enjoyed reading and contemplating. Thanks again for posting.
Mar/3/2012, 10:41 am Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
queenfisher Profile
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Re: In Love and War


dear christine

thanks! glad you found those parts riveting.
the big toe bit is from being a fan of western movies!
Mar/5/2012, 3:51 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
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Re: In Love and War


dear zak

thanks for the appreciation!

i enjoyed writing this so much!

i'm glad the enjoyment showed & got carried across!

the original was one piece but i made it in 2 parts for the very same reason of dissimilarity.

the title was: all's fair in love & war - but it seemed a cliche & a bit long.

i was happy i could get in - pearls, gold (fish) silver, rubies, emerald, diamond all in one go! was specially pleased with diamond stud!

if you like old fashioned poetry maybe i'll post some - but some of it is so full of cliche's & stuff!
Mar/5/2012, 4:34 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
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Re: In Love and War


dear katlin

thank you so much - i worked on the formatting a bit & while i was editing - this is the way it seemed to flow - so i just kept it. i have written a few poems this way - in fact it's my favorite way of writing - i could write most poems this way but it would all seem the same!

frills & flounce! fun to say it aloud as well!

let's go to war - was an easy way out - so i just took it without giving it much thought.

kalashnikovs - it's awful to say - but i love the word - just for the sake of the word - the sound & how it falls on the tongue - not for what it does.
of course i'm aganst all war! - this was just a metaphorical setting with a little bit of story.

brutal...is just so brutal - i did not want to water it down after what preceded.

i'm really flattered that you get the feeling of plath / sexton - i'm a great admirer of both.

thanks again for taking the time.
Mar/5/2012, 5:03 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
libramoon Profile
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Re: In Love and War


What a gorgeous epic of the love/war idiom!
It is a dance and an opera -- soon to be a major indy picture
Mar/6/2012, 7:09 pm Link to this post Send Email to libramoon   Send PM to libramoon Blog
 
queenfisher Profile
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Re: In Love and War


thanks libramoon!
i love theatrics! & actually have a theatre background!

do you mean a bollywood film?

Mar/9/2012, 7:52 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: In Love and War


This is a poem but a poem with problems. The biggest of which is I. Think on it please.

Tere
Mar/9/2012, 10:26 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
sambyfield Profile
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Interesting and quite effective. I was a bit dubious about the form at first, but i think it works and reminds of Creeley's comment that 'form is never more than aan extension of content'. For me, the form emphasises the poem's feeling of the same patternss in a relationship happening over and over; and the sense that the good stuff is running out until there's little left.

That said, there's a bit of fluff you could lose-

I

Kiss-curl curved as a bird’s beak
pecking at one fair cheek,
star-lit halo of an
expensive
rinse,

droopy eyes dropping pearls,
gold-fish pout with a hint
of rubies; I’m done
with love’s frills
& flounce.

i feel you could cut several lines out of these first two sections. finish is good

Candle-lit dinner, table for two,
the moon so full, the dumb
fool, casting shadows:
leaves in wine,
trees cut in
glass.
'casting shadows' doesn't work- let us work out why the moon's a fool


Humming birds flying with spoons, (???)
silver silhouettes in pools of
blue - I’m done with
narcissistic
drowning.

To hell with playing
the eternal Venus
rising from
her shell.

Beady-eyed harpies, scenting
a kill, eager as hell, the
emerald earrings,
& you:

the diamond
stud.
some good things happening in the last ten lines- strong sounds, a crisp conclusion

II

Love, my arch enemy, let’s go
to war, desolate in defeat,
cracked lips, drinking
rum from tin-
cups.

Drums of war the musical score,
amidst the shelling & flares
of Kalashnikovs, amidst
the wounded & the
dead let’s talk
of battles
lost.
good except for the musical score

Let’s show our battle-scars
that ring of clear blue sky
through your big toe,
clean as a whistle
when I fired &
you didn’t
jump.
the big toe might be getting a bit full of itself here

Let’s talk of how you were holed
up for three nights without
food or water. How I
pushed for that
final assault
& you
good

staggered out, eyes blinded, hands
in the air. How you hid that sharp
steel blade in the curve of your
heel & stabbed me in the
back as I fell in love
with your flinch
of pain.

let’s talk of brutal surrender.
good idea. i wonder if this finish works better-
'with your flinch of pain
and brutal surrender'


cheers

sam
Mar/10/2012, 2:04 pm Link to this post Send Email to sambyfield   Send PM to sambyfield
 
queenfisher Profile
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Re: In Love and War


thanks for reading - sam & taking the time
very valid suggestions - i will revise
 
this was even longer! there was a stanza about: the debutante mermaid rising / from her moss green strapless dress / shoulders moist manicured caress / swishing tail blowing bubbles of champagne!! i'm glad i got rid of it! & will further reduce the fluff i was reveling in!!

humming birds flying with spoons - are the hands of the waiter hovering over dishes - his fingers spread like wings!

the candle-lit dinner - happening by the poolside of a hotel.

the moon's a fool 'cos it expects us to be romantic when it's full!

glad you liked the closing stanza of part 1.

will rework keeping all your suggestions in mind

thanks
Mar/12/2012, 1:40 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
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Re: In Love and War


hi terreson

I is always a problem - since the poem is written by I...it could be very problematic.

is there too much of I - i mean the ego?

or did you mean problem with part I

I am thinking on it...
Mar/12/2012, 1:51 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
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Re: In Love and War


Chuckling here, Queen. I meant Part I. The lyrical I never presents me with a problem.

Tere
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Re: In Love and War


dear terreson

thanks for clarifying - that's a relief!

your comment sounded very ominous!

i will look into part one & revise.



Mar/13/2012, 5:27 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
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Re: In Love and War


humming birds flying with spoons - are the hands of the waiter hovering over dishes - his fingers spread like wings!

Hi qf,

FWIW: The two images I didn't understand in part I were the "humming birds flying with spoons" and "droopy eyes dropping pearls." I puzzled over both but was unable to work out the references.
Mar/14/2012, 8:26 am Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
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Re: In Love and War


hi katlin

droopy eyes dropping pearls! i have to cut the frills & flounce!

droopy eyes - is like dopey eyes - the sideways glance - the drugged look - so overrated! dropping pearls? could be tear drops (in cases of extreme emotion!)

Mar/26/2012, 4:02 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
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Re: In Love and War (Revised)


Hi qf,

Ah, thanks for the explanations. If you changed droopy eyes to dopey eyes, I would get it. I think you've gone way too far with your latest cuts to part I! You've cut a lot of good lines that are necessary, IMO, to mood setting and development. Sure, you can do a few tweaks to some of the weaker lines, but bring most of it back, won't you?
Mar/29/2012, 9:51 am Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
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Re: In Love and War (Revised)


dear katlin

thanks for the suggestion - sorry i seemed to have missed the last comment - thanks for re-confirming what i feel!

will def. re-revise.

was reading some amazing poetry by an autistic child from India:

A rock lay waiting

By the stream

Ready to step inside,

So that it could begin

An existence —

Of a stepping stone!

- by Tito
 
here's the link of an interesting interview with some of his stuff:

http://dsq-sds.org/article/view/1056/1235

it's quite amazing! just wanted to share it.

Last edited by queenfisher, Apr/19/2012, 1:57 am
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vkp Profile
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Queen: I am surprised to find I never commented on this, as I've come back to read it a few times. I like this poem very much. I love the suppressed anger in both parts, the utter “I’m over it” tone that pervades. The beauty and the sorrow, too, though. I love “the emerald/ earrings and you:/ the diamond stud” – clever without being too clever and detracting, but with that edge of sarcasm and disdain that conveys so much.

My thought on the “let’s go to war” thing…. I get what Kat is saying, but my take on the “desolate in defeat” coming before going to war is that when a relationship is dead, or dying, or the writing is so clearly on the wall, sometimes that is when we finally go to war – either to fight to save what is unsavable, or to brutalize what we are afraid we’ll miss too much in spite of it’s being already desolate. If we brutalize it, it will not be worth anything, not worth any lingering sorrow or remorse. Not to overanalyze but I realized that entire “thought” that I just tried to verbalize came to me in a non-verbal way when I read the poem.

Anyway – I like this poem a lot and am just sorry I did not say so before. Really thought I had!
Apr/21/2012, 6:24 am Link to this post Send Email to vkp   Send PM to vkp Blog
 
Opie DeLetta Profile
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Re: In Love and War (Revised)


What I like about this piece, among other aspects, is the forward backward symmetry.
Specifically part 1 is coherent when read in either direction, thus:

eager as hell, the emerald
earrings, & you:
the diamond
stud.

To hell with playing the eternal
Venus rising from her shell.
Beady-eyed harpies,
scenting
a kill,

gold-fish pout with a hint of
rubies; I’m done with
love’s frills &
flounce.

Kiss-curl curved as a bird’s beak
pecking at one fair cheek,
star-lit halo of an
expensive
rinse,

From a creative standpoint I find a lot to explore in this direction. Yet perhaps it’s nothing more than whimsical word dominoes…

I certainly find section 1 a complete concept on its own. I like it a lot. In both directions.

Part 2 is a bit heavier and we all know no one wins in such battles. P2 is still viable IMO, but I’m not sure it’s adding any substantial depth that actually expands the potentials developed in P1.

And that’s the way my mind tends to work in analyzing a poem (which is much different than simply reading a poem IMO). Each word must develop substantively based on what has preceded, which is in my way of understanding things, is a form of feedback.

The feeling I get is that the title in this case is driving the piece, rather than the other way around. My .02 says find a different title and consider P1 a complete piece.

Beyond that, I really enjoyed reading this and having the chance to comment.

Opie.
Apr/21/2012, 11:12 am Link to this post Send Email to Opie DeLetta   Send PM to Opie DeLetta Blog
 
queenfisher Profile
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Re: In Love and War (Revised)


dear vkp

thanks so much for the appreciation!

i really like your interpretation of the war bit. very interesting! i think the readers bring more to the poem than the poem itself!

frankly the war bit is what i wrote the poem for! i did the war bit first & really liked it - if i may say so myself - 'cos i thought it was different & just added another dimension & was actually an extension of the love image.

desolate in defeat & in fact the whole war bit for me is surrender of the extreme kind.
where the individual egos are killed. & no war poem is complete without betrayal & deception.

perhaps the two faces of love is what i was aiming at - & looked one way - two faces of the same coin.

the soldier & woman both go to war all geared up! the war for both might well be worth fighting for!

thanks for reading & the comments!
Apr/25/2012, 4:56 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
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Re: In Love and War (Revised)


hi opie

i really like what you've done!

i'm glad this falls in that category - there are few poems that can be read - bottoms up!

i tend to do that myself!

glad you liked the first section in both directions!
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