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arkava Profile
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drugged


from the verandah a mound of waves plunged opening lakes troubled into circles where the breeze ended the temple wall where the painted beaks of unbroken
skin dislodge praise darkness sails the room the window changes shape taking off orbits and mountains lust under vague spoilers ceaseless anchors away from safe
numbers keep. i made you up into something i couldn’t hold back.
Mar/4/2012, 11:31 am Link to this post Send Email to arkava   Send PM to arkava Blog
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: drugged


hi arka,

I love the rush of language and images which really does capture some gorgeous emotion. The last line is killer, "i made you up into something i couldn't hold back." This is inside and outside the experience; sort of inside-out,

Chris
Mar/4/2012, 1:34 pm Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
queenfisher Profile
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Re: drugged


loved the unexpectedness of the last line.
the flow of language is incredibly complex.

Mar/5/2012, 5:29 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
casskv Profile
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Re: drugged


Hi,

This is interesting for such a short piece.

here, toward the ending:




i made you up into something i couldn’t hold back.



you don't really need "up" it sounds like a child speaking. I'd go with:



I made you into something I coudln't hold back.
Mar/6/2012, 1:35 pm Link to this post Send Email to casskv   Send PM to casskv Blog
 
libramoon Profile
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Re: drugged


Yes, the sweeping rush and the wistful anchor
Mar/6/2012, 7:04 pm Link to this post Send Email to libramoon   Send PM to libramoon Blog
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: drugged


hi arka,

I've read this piece over many times trying to get a foothold in the whirlpool of language, trying in effect to insert linebreaks in my mind for clarity's sake. What I discovered is that the words and phrases can be read in many ways, many combinations. Unsettling and apropos to the title. I love the last line:

"i made you up into something i couldn’t hold back."

I hate to start disagreeing with a new member right off the bat, but I like the use of "up" and don't think you should drop it. Dropping it would change the meaning slightly, would remove potential layer of meaning.

[Note: Hi Cassvp, welcome to DM! Thank you for stopping by, reading and taking the time to comment. Look around, stick around and post some of your own work if you wish.]
Mar/7/2012, 9:32 am Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
arkava Profile
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Re: drugged


quote:

Christine98 wrote:

hi arka,

I love the rush of language and images which really does capture some gorgeous emotion. The last line is killer, "i made you up into something i couldn't hold back." This is inside and outside the experience; sort of inside-out,

Chris



thanks very much for dropping by Chris. i was kinda nervous thinking this doesn't have enough images to justify the lack of punctuation--that maybe i am jus saying the same thing over and over. glad it didn't jar. yes. the last line was somewhat personal too y'know? like building up something in my head, to the extent where i couldn't let go of it easily. story of my life. emoticon
arka
Mar/7/2012, 11:55 am Link to this post Send Email to arkava   Send PM to arkava Blog
 
arkava Profile
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Re: drugged


quote:

queenfisher wrote:

loved the unexpectedness of the last line.
the flow of language is incredibly complex.




thanks queenfisher. really glad you liked it!

arka
Mar/7/2012, 11:57 am Link to this post Send Email to arkava   Send PM to arkava Blog
 
arkava Profile
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Re: drugged


quote:

casskv wrote:

Hi,

This is interesting for such a short piece.

here, toward the ending:




i made you up into something i couldn’t hold back.



you don't really need "up" it sounds like a child speaking. I'd go with:



I made you into something I coudln't hold back.



hi casskv,

i'll definitely give the last line a further think. thanks for the inputs on this!

arka
Mar/7/2012, 11:58 am Link to this post Send Email to arkava   Send PM to arkava Blog
 
arkava Profile
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Re: drugged


quote:

libramoon wrote:

Yes, the sweeping rush and the wistful anchor



you got it right friend. the wistful anchor. emoticon

arka
Mar/7/2012, 11:58 am Link to this post Send Email to arkava   Send PM to arkava Blog
 
arkava Profile
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Re: drugged


quote:

Katlin wrote:

hi arka,

I've read this piece over many times trying to get a foothold in the whirlpool of language, trying in effect to insert linebreaks in my mind for clarity's sake. What I discovered is that the words and phrases can be read in many ways, many combinations. Unsettling and apropos to the title. I love the last line:

"i made you up into something i couldn’t hold back."

I hate to start disagreeing with a new member right off the bat, but I like the use of "up" and don't think you should drop it. Dropping it would change the meaning slightly, would remove potential layer of meaning.



hey kat, i was also coming from there. i didn't go for punctuation/line breaks coz of the combinations etc. for the last line, i guess built it up would have sounded better, but i actually wanted to say "made you up." i have this spirituality/mystical thing going on for some time and whatever happens or doesn't happen on the personal front seems to be flowing right into it. in other news, started reading danielewski's house of leaves. it started out shaky/gimmicky and parts still are, but it's turning out to be a good read (till pg 106)

arka

Last edited by arkava, Mar/7/2012, 1:17 pm
Mar/7/2012, 12:14 pm Link to this post Send Email to arkava   Send PM to arkava Blog
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: drugged


hi arka,

What I love about that last line is the way the creative imagination comes into play and the way the line can be read in several ways:

I made you up/into something/I couldn't hold back.

Lots of movement, passion, loss of control and perhaps surrender there. In my own mind, I associated the line with alchemists, which I in turn associate with the mystical, and this is not the first time I've made a connection to alchemy in your work.
Mar/7/2012, 3:25 pm Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 


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