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Yesterday's Ghosts (Revised)
Revision:
Broad pavements, sunlight through
the tamarind trees.
Flurry of stones, flutter of wings;
sudden frenzy.
The first bite! An orgy of sourness,
cutting edge of delight.
Tongue teeth saliva, fruit – hard,
green, unripe;
so rudely forced into sweet
surrender.
Here we go round and round
the ancient tree.
Dead leaves swirl and heap,
crunch, crunch,
casting spells; the mysterious
ever apparent.
The explored never exhausting…
Endless afternoons;
eternal possibilities. Yesterday’s
ghosts
treacherously conjure, images of
another life.
Original:
Broad pavements, sunlight through
the tamarind trees.
Flurry of stones, flutter of wings,
sudden frenzy:
the first bite! An orgy of sourness,
cutting edge
of delight - tongue, teeth, saliva,
fruit - hard green;
unripe. So rudely forced into sweet
surrendering.
Endless afternoons; eternal possibilities.
The explored never
exhausting itself, the mysterious ever
apparent. Here we go
round and round the old tree, dead leaves
swirl and heap
on the ground. Crunch-crunch, casting spells,
weaving magic.
Yesterday’s ghosts, treacherously conjure
images of another life.
Last edited by queenfisher, Apr/9/2012, 5:50 am
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Mar/26/2012, 5:48 am
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Re: Yesterday's Ghosts
Reading this I feel as if past, present and future are sharing space in the poem. Unripe fruit being forced to surrender -- like biting into the future. Things that have died, things remembered and the evocative idea: "The explored never
exhausting itself, the mysterious ever
apparent."
What has come before is still available to us; what has not come yet is already here for us....
I sure like that idea.
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Mar/26/2012, 3:03 pm
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Re: Yesterday's Ghosts
Hey there
this works best when it's firmly grounded in images and fails when it gets a bit telly and obvious. tightened and perhaps expanded, it mightt be a keeper, but it needs some work. Also, the form doesn't quite seem right to me, perhaps experiment with something else, maybe longer lines with no indents?
Broad pavements, sunlight through
the tamarind trees.
good
Flurry of stones, flutter of wings,
good, though you don't need the next line, this image already says it. you could further develop this image as well
sudden frenzy:
the first bite! An orgy of sourness,
cutting edge
of delight - tongue, teeth, saliva,
fruit - hard green;
unripe. So rudely forced into sweet
surrendering.
last sentence doesn't do a lot for me, the leead up is ok
Endless afternoons; eternal possibilities.
The explored never
exhausting itself, the mysterious ever
apparent.
*grimace* this is where the poem dies, stops inviting your reader in and gets a bit hallmark on us.
Here we go
round and round the old tree, dead leaves
swirl and heap
on the ground. Crunch-crunch, casting spells,
weaving magic.
Yesterday’s ghosts, treacherously conjure
images of another life.
the reminiscences in this poem remind me of some poems by Kimberley mann and Helen Hagermann i was quite harsh about in a review a couple of years ago - might be something useful in this that could be applied to improving this one, perhaps-
http://cordite.org.au/reviews/sam-byfield-reviews-the-apc-new-poets-series/
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Mar/30/2012, 10:59 pm
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Re: Yesterday's Ghosts
queenfisher,
I don't feel competent enough to comment successfully on this poem. The style isn't really postmodern, at least it isn't easily apparent as postmodern. The images cohere and relate to each other more than most postmodern poems, yet I'm not getting real traditional cohesion. So I'm lost at sea. Oddly I get images of bats, but do bats eat fruit. It seems like somewhere I read that they do. I can't quite tie this in to the concept of ghosts.
Again, I just don't feel competent or insightful enough to comment except to express frustration at not being able to participate. Zak
quote: queenfisher wrote:
Broad pavements, sunlight through
the tamarind trees.
Flurry of stones, flutter of wings,
sudden frenzy:
the first bite! An orgy of sourness,
cutting edge
of delight - tongue, teeth, saliva,
fruit - hard green;
unripe. So rudely forced into sweet
surrendering.
Endless afternoons; eternal possibilities.
The explored never
exhausting itself, the mysterious ever
apparent. Here we go
round and round the old tree, dead leaves
swirl and heap
on the ground. Crunch-crunch, casting spells,
weaving magic.
Yesterday’s ghosts, treacherously conjure
images of another life.
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Mar/31/2012, 8:34 am
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Re: Yesterday's Ghosts
Not sure I have a clue what this poem wants of me. But that does not interfere with the pleasure it gives. I am especially loving sense of line rhythm, image jumble that can come right before one's nagging need to make sense of perception, and poem's inistence on what is physical, now, immediate. That is what comes through. I think I get that poem wants to orgy in immediate perception, then gets pulled back to a reality too informed by ghosts, or by, in my words, history. If that is what the poem wants I can tell you the reckoning resonates with me.
Something else. I read this poem and it feels like I am reading someone of the caliber of Mina Loy, she who Pound said was the best of the Moderns. Not a small point of comparison. I miss what she could do in poetry. I miss how she could take a moment of gravitas, dance around it, play with it in such a way I know it is the most serious game in town and one never to be taken too seriously. That is some of what comes through.
This poem rocks. Resonates. Not sure I need to know why.
Tere
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Mar/31/2012, 12:48 pm
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Re: Yesterday's Ghosts
dear vkp
really like your interpretation!
'Things that have died, things remembered and the evocative idea'
&
'What has come before is still available to us; what has not come yet is already here for us....
that is so cool! thanks for adding that extra dimension!
dear zak
your confusion is well-founded since this is just a small personal childhood experience belonging to a particular unfamiliar place.
since i'm from india - this is a typical indian experience. hot summer afternoons we would steal outdoors - old massive tamarind trees - when the fruit is unripe it's green & really sour - long and dangling enticingly & very high up - as kids we use to really dig the sour taste - so we'd throw stones & get the fruit down - that would scare all the birds in the trees & so 'flutter of wings' & we'd all scramble to get the fruit - 'sudden frenzy' & then the first bite!
my teeth are at an edge remembering the taste - two very childhood taste in india are the raw tamarind & raw mangoes - both very very sour - 100 times more than lemon & these fruits can only be eaten when you're very young! it's not for older people!
raw mangos can be reached by climbing a mango tree - but the tamarind trees are monstrous & difficult to climb.
the long hot summer afternoons seem to last forever.
hope that throws some light!
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Apr/2/2012, 2:02 am
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Re: Yesterday's Ghosts
dear sam
thanks for all the suggestions & thanks for being so kind!
your input is great & yes i agree the form could be changed & the more 'telly' parts.
thanks for providing the link - very helpful - yes your critique is rather harsh so that's why i'm thankful to you for being kinder to me!
i did not know you're such a serious critic! & the poets are all of such high calibre with wonderful poems - whatever little i could read on the net - i've never heard of them & it was very enlightening to read such good modern poetry. yes i can learn a lot.
i've not read much poetry - but i'm very fond of reading & end up buying novels / short stories - i've never bought a poetry book in my life! only those that have come as gifts. but i'm going to rectify that & i'm afraid not much poetry might be available in book stores here - but let me see what i can find.
after reading your comments i find the inadequecy of not reading enough!
i see what you mean by the second stanza.
i will be re-working this.
thanks a lot.
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Apr/2/2012, 2:19 am
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Re: Yesterday's Ghosts
dear terreson
i like the way you ask & then provide your own answer!
the poem definitly wants to give pleasure! for me that's the highest motive! so you cannot imagine the pleasure i feel reading your comments!
yes it is all about the senses - the purity of the senses recaptured - lost over time - all the five senses including the sixth is so keen & clean & pure! & at the same time precocious - in india nothing represents that purity & that precociousness more than those two raw friuts!
i've never heard of mina loy - thanks! i will read now.
but i'm really thrilled that it resonates with you!
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Apr/2/2012, 2:42 am
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Re: Yesterday's Ghosts
hi qf,
The first stanza pulls me into a sensual world I am unfamiliar with. I read that stanza in several ways at once: as birds eating some kind of fruit, as children doing the same, as a kind of innocence lost, perhaps of a first sexual awakening. The second stanza moves at a slower pace, the pace of memory and reverie and, at the end, of a precarious loss, one still stippled with possibilities.
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Apr/2/2012, 6:23 pm
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Re: Yesterday's Ghosts
Hey queenfisher
for someone who 'doesn't read much poetry' you sure have a way with words and obvious talent. If it's alright with you i'll have a look at your poems on here again and come up with some suggestions of resources available online that you might find useful/inspirational.
I definitely wouldn't call myself a 'serious critic' - just write the occasional review (mostly with what i've learnt over the years in online forums like this one from poets like terreson).
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Apr/2/2012, 8:18 pm
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Re: Yesterday's Ghosts
dear katlin
for someone unfamiliar with this world you interpretation is spot on - right on target!
i don't know what to say because it is exactly as you say it is!
thank you so much for your close incisive read!
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Apr/5/2012, 5:25 am
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Re: Yesterday's Ghosts
dear sam
i never imagined one day i'd be writing lines that could or might or might not be constituted as poetry!
poetry was for dull classrooms!
modern poetry - we only got as far as eliot -whom i liked immensly! & from the older ones Donne was my fav. still is - i absolutely adore his poems!
most of the contemporary poets i've read are indian poets.
i'd love it if you could do that - whenever you have the time - resources available online are a great help. i've come to know of a lot of poets which otherwise i would never have read. would love to have your suggestions - thank you so much!
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Apr/5/2012, 5:43 am
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