|
Beyond horizon
The backdrop of the world
hides in various forms. Anger,
strength, a whistle
interspersed with breath
blossoms, immigration,
death. One road leads
to wonderland
where someone left a pale
red hood instead of candy.
Other fantasies are waiting
to be approved - the penetration
of consciousnesses, how to defeat
frustration, a kiss
is a kiss, a sigh a sigh.
The Statue of Liberty haunts
in the same way as rainbow
absorbed by light.
.
Last edited by Maria Divina, Apr/27/2012, 6:22 pm
|
Apr/1/2012, 3:50 am
|
Link to this post
Send Email to Maria Divina
Send PM to Maria Divina
|
|
Re: Beyond horizon
Hi Maria,
So nice to see you! I'll be back to comment on your poem when I have more time, but I wanted to stop by and say welcome back to DM.
|
Apr/1/2012, 8:58 am
|
Link to this post
Send Email to Katlin
Send PM to Katlin
|
|
Re: Beyond horizon
I am still relatively new here and don't think I've seen your work before, Maria. I have read today's two poems. With this poem, Beyond Horizon, I am not sure I am understandng things yet. The list of "forms" -- the background to the world (which is an interesting idea that I don't connect to in the poem yet); the line-up, later on in the poem, of "fantasies." I am having a hard time hooking in to these things, maybe because I am missing the concrete, the things that will show me what the tellings mean. I think because of wanting that, I am most drawn to the lines:
One road leads
to wonderland
where someone left a pale
red hood instead of candy.
I can see the red hood, and because of that, the absence of candy and the whole wonderland implicit around what is there and what isn't there.
I'd love to hear from you about this poem.
|
Apr/1/2012, 9:05 am
|
Link to this post
Send Email to vkp
Send PM to vkp
Blog
|
|
Re: Beyond horizon
Katlin
Thanks so much for your welcome back. I hope I can be here more often and just relax a bit. Hope you've been keeping well.
vkb
I appreciate your thoughtful critique and I'll try to explain my intentions (although I know a poem shouldn't need explaining, but I don't mind, I'm not a real poet).
I've been working on this idea of the background of the world - a place where I go simply to explore emotions or to vent about whatever's bothering me about the world.
The poem's basically about being forced to leave one's country to look for a better place/world, and instead of finding candy in the wonderlands (the messages deriving from mass media) the traveller finds nothing, leaves his red hood (fairy tale references) and moves on, or dies.
I'm glad you enjoyed that strophe you quoted.
Thanks again and it's nice to meet you,
Maria
|
Apr/1/2012, 12:00 pm
|
Link to this post
Send Email to Maria Divina
Send PM to Maria Divina
|
|
Re: Beyond horizon
Anger,
strength, a whistle
interspersed with breath
blossoms, immigration,
death
i like this fresh, unique look at our 'wonderland'
the way you've juxtaposed: blossoms, immigration, death with 'a whistle interspersed with breath' great!
also like the feeling in the 3rd stanza:
Other fantasies are waiting
to be approved - the penetration
of consciousnesses, how to defeat
frustration, a kiss
is a kiss, a sigh a sigh.
you've covered a large ground in this short piece!
|
Apr/2/2012, 3:41 am
|
Link to this post
Send Email to queenfisher
Send PM to queenfisher
Blog
|
|
Re: Beyond horizon
Hi Maria,
Particularly before I read your explanation, I read this poem as being about "various forms" in the world that challenge the N as well as other people (anger, immigration, death). After reading your explanation, I better understand the personal aspect. The image the Statue of Liberty disappearing at the end like a rainbow is daunting.
Yes, please do come around more often and kick off your shoes.
|
Apr/2/2012, 5:29 pm
|
Link to this post
Send Email to Katlin
Send PM to Katlin
|
|
Re: Beyond horizon
queenfisher and Katlin
Maybe I am trying to communicate too much in such little space. The poem is basically about immigration, a topic I'm familiar with (I wonder how my grandfather and father felt when they first saw the Statue from a short distance) and therefore like to write about. We are are all one, interconnected in so many ways. The differences should enrich, not separate us.
Thanks for your comments.
Maria
|
Apr/10/2012, 9:29 am
|
Link to this post
Send Email to Maria Divina
Send PM to Maria Divina
|
|
Re: Beyond horizon
Maria,
You've got some good description here, good phrases. There are two words that got stuck and stick out there for me. I talk about it below. I don't know if you want to rewrite, or just let the piece evolve on its own while you are sleeping or driving around. Thanks for posting. Zak
quote: Maria Divina wrote:
The background of the world
hides in various forms. Anger,
strength, a whistle
interspersed with breath
blossoms, immigration, [It's a powerful beginning & I especially like the first line. The word "immigrantion" at the end of the stanza is dissonant & clashes with the roll, and regularity of the stanza. That word "immigration" is so laden with political ramifications in our own time that it grates in the context of the first stanza.]
death. One road leads
to wonderland
where someone left a pale
red hood instead of candy. [Unlike the first stanza where the last word was dissonant, here it's the first word: "death". In both cases, I think immigration and death could be used, but not in the obtrusive way they are here.]
Other fantasies are waiting
to be approved - the penetration
of consciousnesses, how to defeat
frustration, a kiss
is a kiss, a sigh a sigh.
The Statue of Liberty haunts
in the same way as rainbow
absorbed by light.
.
|
Apr/14/2012, 10:58 am
|
Link to this post
Send Email to Zakzzz5
Send PM to Zakzzz5
|
|
Re: Beyond horizon
Maria, I want more thinginess and less ideation. Or rather I want the ideas in things themselves.
Tere
|
Apr/14/2012, 1:12 pm
|
Link to this post
Send Email to Terreson
Send PM to Terreson
|
|
Re: Beyond horizon
Maria,
I like this so much.
I was thinking maybe "backdrop"
to sort of bring the world
and the sky above together.
|
Apr/14/2012, 1:44 pm
|
Link to this post
Send PM to ineese
Blog
|
|
Re: Beyond horizon
Zak
Thanks so much for your comment. I do understand what you're telling me. I know there's just too much in this poem and am not sure how to revise as yet. I'm still thinking. The blossoms and the hope have ended with death even before getting to any destination for many. Then there's TV/technology all over the place, showing a world which isn't the real one. And my compassion, which derives from my background.
Tere
Yes, I have the ideas in the things in my head - not easy to find the words. I'll try.
ineese
Thanks. I appreciate your comment and suggestion.
All my best
Maria
|
Apr/27/2012, 6:06 pm
|
Link to this post
Send Email to Maria Divina
Send PM to Maria Divina
|
Add a reply
You are not logged in ( login)
|