|
During meditation
A parade of poems
flies in echo -
strips of pink
paper I bought
at an eco-friendly shop -
global problems,
traces in morning sky
while I try to forget,
without success,
that the world is a lie.
It isn't enough to believe
summer will be back soon,
trees full of green
like my zen thoughts
of discovering
eternity in a dewdrop.
.
Last edited by Maria Divina, Apr/10/2012, 9:21 am
|
Apr/1/2012, 4:46 am
|
Link to this post
Send Email to Maria Divina
Send PM to Maria Divina
|
|
Re: During meditation
dear maria
i like the opening very much & the way the poem traces global problems right down to eternity in a dewdrop!
parade of poems flying in echo & strips of pink paper bought at an eco-friendly shop - both great images!
again so much said in such few words -
in your case - less is more! & that's a fine art!
|
Apr/2/2012, 4:11 am
|
Link to this post
Send Email to queenfisher
Send PM to queenfisher
Blog
|
|
Re: During meditation
Hi Maria,
This poem starts out as a series of thoughts/images that arise and pass. The first place I stumble is when I get to the line "global problems." That way of wording strikes me as too general, especially following on the heels of the "parade of poems" and "strips of pink paper." I also think that going with the general "global problems" is a missed opportunity for the reader to learn more about the N who we know, for example, shops at an "eco-friendly shop." We do learn more about the N though, and can readily relate, as the poem continues, and the N struggles to believe in "green" things again and to find meaning within all that is transitory. You've captured that struggle well in just a few words.
Last edited by Katlin, Apr/3/2012, 4:00 pm
|
Apr/2/2012, 5:45 pm
|
Link to this post
Send Email to Katlin
Send PM to Katlin
|
|
Re: During meditation
Hi, queenfisher
So nice to meet you. Thanks a lot for your comment. I'm glad you read the poem and enjoyed the images. I'm trying to think why I wrote this and what inspired it. Yes, I actually like writing about or responding to my own poems. I like the idea of scribbling poems/words down on paper. And yet we have to cut down trees and so at least we can buy recycled paper. The world's messed up and it almost feels like a parade of poems in the sky can save it. That may be romantic, but it's fun to dream.
All the best.
Katlin
Thanks. You are right - the poem can definitely stand a bit longer and will try to add a few more lines. I'm really trying to say that although I try I am unable to find the peace I'm looking for, and that is perhaps what makes the journey worthwhile. Hope is intrinsically part of being human.
I really appreciate your close reading.
Maria
|
Apr/3/2012, 3:59 pm
|
Link to this post
Send Email to Maria Divina
Send PM to Maria Divina
|
|
Re: During meditation
Hi Maria,
I tweaked my previous comment to you just as your were posting your comment, so I hope you see it!
|
Apr/3/2012, 4:04 pm
|
Link to this post
Send Email to Katlin
Send PM to Katlin
|
|
Re: During meditation
Yes, Katlin, it is a lot about failing to live up to one's own expectations, and perhaps even wanting to conceal this failure. The failure also has a lot to do with meditation. Sometimes, although difficult, we do need to focus wholeheartedly on self.
Thanks again for comments, I will try to revise.
Maria
|
Apr/4/2012, 12:16 pm
|
Link to this post
Send Email to Maria Divina
Send PM to Maria Divina
|
|
Re: During meditation
I think you’re touching on the fact that will live in a time dominated
but the totality of BS. If so. I’m like totally on-board.
The end immediately struck me as a kind of Blake tip of the hat:
To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour.
For me, “eternity in a dewdrop” is a bit too hung-out on its own
and isn’t supported or developed.
But that's probably just me...
Just a thought, you could engage the similarity with Blake
and to explore that…
My overall impression is yea – you could expand this and
maybe just a few tweaks and this could be really killer.
I enjoyed your poem.
Opie.
|
Apr/4/2012, 12:46 pm
|
Link to this post
Send Email to Opie DeLetta
Send PM to Opie DeLetta
Blog
|
|
Re: During meditation
Thoughts at random:
*I like the rhymey parallelism of echo and eco.
*Riffing on what Opie said about the last line -- it was the only one that bugged me as it seemed a bit trite, but maybe if you made a clearer or more extended reference to (perhaps) Blake or something from which you are extrapolating...?
*There's a kind of stream of consciousness element to the poems of yours that I have read and I enjoy making the leap from section to section and seeing if my mind can retrace the steps made by yours....
|
Apr/4/2012, 3:49 pm
|
Link to this post
Send Email to vkp
Send PM to vkp
Blog
|
|
Re: During meditation
Maria,
for me, this is the spirit of the poem.
It truly made sense and was a joy to read:
while I try to forget,
without success,
that the world is a lie.
It isn't enough to believe
summer will be back soon,
|
Apr/6/2012, 6:38 am
|
Link to this post
Send PM to ineese
Blog
|
|
Re: During meditation
I can't help but notice how the poem starts from the particular, goes to the general, circles back to the particular. Intended or not, that is how the poem reads.
I cannot find a problem with the poem and I've tried several times.
Tere
|
Apr/7/2012, 6:37 pm
|
Link to this post
Send Email to Terreson
Send PM to Terreson
|
|
Re: During meditation
Maria D.,
Since poems that include poems are generally frowned up, and because it would be more personal (and therefore matter more), and because logically if the world is a lie, then your life might be a lie, I would experiment with changing the first line to "My life", as in:
My life
flies in echo -
strips of pink
or maybe even,
My life of poems
flies in echo -
strips of pink
Of course, generally when people recommend a radical change like this it doesn't work. So you can discard this, shred it or ROTFLYAO.
But it makes it harder to type
"that the world is a lie"
if you have to replace it with
"that my life is a lie."
I myself wouldn't be willing to do it, so I don't recommend it for you. But those lines do make this reader think about it.
Thanks for posting. Enjoyed. Zak
quote: Maria Divina wrote:
A parade of poems
flies in echo -
strips of pink
paper I bought
at an eco-friendly shop -
global problems,
traces in morning sky
while I try to forget,
without success,
that the world is a lie.
It isn't enough to believe
summer will be back soon,
trees full of green
like my thoughts
of discovering
eternity in a dewdrop.
.
|
Apr/8/2012, 6:10 am
|
Link to this post
Send Email to Zakzzz5
Send PM to Zakzzz5
|
|
Re: During meditation
Opie
I was thinking more on the lines of Zen rather than Blake, although I do find similarities between the two. I may just add the word Zen somewhere. Thanks for your take on this and your thoughtful comment.
ineese
Initially I had spring instead of summer, but on second thoughts perhaps it is summer the season that we look forward to in order to change something in our lives. It must be the sun. Thank you.
Tere
Thanks for your comment. I'm sort of torn between technology - reading and writing on a screen - and the handwritten word. I want to have the feeling that I am never actually writing the poem, only thinking about doing it, and in the meantime letting my thoughts lead me to places I may like to be. Yes, I'm going to add Zen as a thought and therefore not reality.
Zac
Well, my life may be a lie, in the sense that I'm not too happy with certain things in my life, but that is not exactly what I intended. I'm going to leave poems for now and try to avoid writing about poems in future poems. Ha! I appreciate your time with this.
Best
Maria
|
Apr/10/2012, 9:20 am
|
Link to this post
Send Email to Maria Divina
Send PM to Maria Divina
|
Add a reply
You are not logged in ( login)
|