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The French Lieutenant's Woman
You seduce me with words
drop my clothes one by one
shake my hair loose shut
the lights light candles
open the wine clink glasses
jump into bed: make love.
Is that how it’s done in your part of the world?
In the movies they do
so softly you hold me
so gentle so tight so
hard when you leave
in the morning I feel
like a one-night stand
but with class:
Meryl Streep in the French Lieutenant’s Woman
waiting…
at my window
overlooking the hills
blue sky white clouds
hang like grapes to be
plucked.
I’m in a brothel now
sordid…wasted...behind
caged bars waiting…
to be picked up at any cost.
The price I pay, for just…
...a few words.
Last edited by queenfisher, Apr/10/2012, 5:12 am
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Apr/10/2012, 5:08 am
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Re: The French Lieutenant's Woman
Like a movie, this piece jumps from scene to scene… IMO a bit choppy in the process. Tho I was unfamiliar with the movie so after a Wickedpedia moment I caught up a bit. Still the piece seems “spliced” to me, and I dig that kind of technique but unsure it’s serving well here?
I think you could compress and perhaps provide some form of transitional marker (e.g., italics or something…) that helps the reader distinguish the movements… But I always reserve the right to be wrong.
I played around a bit. Most likely trash so feel free to ignore. If there’s anything you like feel free… I enjoyed the read and hope my feedback is helpful in some way.
Opie.
you seduce with words
drop my clothes shake
my hair shut the drapes
light candles uncork
the wine glasses clink
jump into bed
In the movies they hold so
gentle, tight and hard when
they leave in the morning
at my window
overlooking the hills
blue sky white clouds
hang like grapes to be
crushed
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Apr/11/2012, 10:06 am
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Re: The French Lieutenant's Woman
dear opie
not trash at all!
in fact it's a trashy piece (the poem if i can call it one!) & i'd like to keep it that way!
all excellent suggestions - glad you enjoyed the read!
thanks a lot - very helpful with revision.
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Apr/12/2012, 3:25 am
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Re: The French Lieutenant's Woman
hi queenfisher,
I am familiar with The French Lieutenant's Woman, both the book and the film, and the poem works for me. I like the way the wording in S1 starts out slowly and then picks up speed as the seduction escalates. I also like the subtle humor in S2.
I was a little confused, at first, at the beginning of S3. Maybe tweak the line breaks there since there is no punctuation:
In the movies
they do so softly
you hold me so gentle
Great lines:
in the morning I feel
like a one-night stand
but with class:
This turn of events seems to happen abruptly:
I’m in a brothel now
sordid…wasted...behind
caged bars waiting…
but maybe that's the point? I'm not sure sordid is the best word to express how the N would feel about herself. It may be.
At first the last stanza puzzled me, "a few words"?, but then I reread the first stanza and got it. Doh!
I enjoyed this poem, qf, and enjoyed thinking about it in the context of other poems you've posted here.
FWIW, on about the third read, I was reminded of the movie Water:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Water_(2005_film)
Do you know it?
Last edited by Katlin, Apr/12/2012, 9:28 am
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Apr/12/2012, 9:19 am
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Re: The French Lieutenant's Woman
Makes me want to resee the movie -- or maybe not. So tough.
I love the beginning especially and the tumbling of words like the tumbling into love and into bed:
quote:
You seduce me with words
drop my clothes one by one
shake my hair loose shut
the lights light candles
open the wine clink glasses
jump into bed: make love.
I agree with Opie a little on the suddenness of transition at the end but am so curious and hopeful about seeing a rewrite if there is one. Very intriguing.
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Apr/13/2012, 7:23 pm
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Re: The French Lieutenant's Woman
I rarely do this sort of thing, what almost, if it doesn't, amount to bad taste. I'm going to mess with the poem structurally. Objective being to draw out the narrative in a cleaner fashion.
~You seduce me with words
drop my clothes one by one
shake my hair loose shut
the lights light candles
open the wine clink glasses
jump into bed: make love.
Is that how it’s done in your part of the world?
In the movies they do
so softly you hold me
so gentle so tight so
hard when you leave
in the morning I feel
like a one-night stand
but with class:
waiting
at my window
overlooking the hills
blue sky white clouds
hang like grapes to be
plucked.
Or am I in a brothel instead,
sordid…wasted...behind
caged bars?
That way waiting.
To be picked up at any cost.
The price I pay, for just…
...a few words. ~
Pardon the liberty taken. As the poem stands it works against itself, vitiates against its own momentum.
Tere
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Apr/14/2012, 12:55 pm
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Re: The French Lieutenant's Woman
Hi again,
I like Tere's suggestion about having alternative endings (like the book & movie!), and you could achieve that with a small change:
Meryl Streep in the French Lieutenant’s Woman
waiting…
at my window
overlooking the hills
blue sky white clouds
hang like grapes to be
plucked.
Or I’m in [Or am I in] a brothel now
sordid…wasted...behind
caged bars waiting…
to be picked up at any cost.
The price I pay, for just…
...a few words.
Some possibilities to play around with perhaps.
Last edited by Katlin, Apr/15/2012, 7:15 am
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Apr/14/2012, 4:42 pm
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Re: The French Lieutenant's Woman
hi queenfisher,
I needed to read others' comments to get a handle on this one. The parts do settle into a more coherent whole (for me)when jiggled a bit. If that makes any sense at all...2 cents at best,
Chris
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Apr/15/2012, 1:58 pm
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Re: The French Lieutenant's Woman
hi katlin
glad you're familiar with the movie & novel -both are great works of art - meryl streep lights up the screen!
yes stanza 2 - that's how it happens in hollywood - most times - so predictable the love scenes! the first stanza just leads to that little personal dig i couldn't help making!
sordid was more to denote the brothel - wasted...N's feeling.
glad the poem worked for you in some ways.
originally to show the time lapse i had a longer gap between the stanza's
yes i do like the different options & will work on it.
again the original had:
i feel i'm in a brothel now
perhaps that could work.
thanks for your feedback & interest - i was afraid it might be dismissed as just a 'trashy' piece!
i was a bit more specific about that one-night stand in the original:
in the morning I feel
like a one-night stand
a whore, but with class:
Meryl Streep in the French Lieutenant’s Woman
yes deepa mehta's water - i've seen the movie - she's one of the bolder woman directors - Earth was the first then Fire then Water.
i'm a great movie buff!
Last edited by queenfisher, Apr/16/2012, 5:20 am
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Apr/16/2012, 5:15 am
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Re: The French Lieutenant's Woman
dear vkp
thanks for reading - you must re-see the movie again - def. worth it!
glad you liked the beginning - i'll try & re-work the transition.
hi terreson
please feel free to mess around - but you haven't really changed much. i wouldn't delete meryl streep - she's the keynote, the epitome of the ultimate mysterious woman who nobody knows till the end whether she was good or bad & whom everybody passes a judgement on.
reminds me of another movie: Ryan's daughter again a great classic & a novel by daphne- de - mourrier - My Cousin Rachel
i would like to differentiate between the time then & the time now - 2 completely different feelings: a one-night stand but with class - dim lights, wine etc - a more heady, free kind of feeling as opposed to the brothel behind caged bars.
I have to work in the transtion.
or am i in a brothel instead - could denote N feeling that way from the beginning. don't know if i'm making any sense - but there has to be a difference between feeling like a good wholesome whore with blue skies & white clouds hanging like grapes & a wasted one in
a sordid brothel behind caged bars waiting to be picked up at any cost.
i thought the irony in the last line about such a woman paying instead of the other way around - might work well. after all they do pay a much heavier price than what they get.
but thanks so much for looking into it & giving me ideas to work on which certainly i will - only i like to give my side of the story
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Apr/16/2012, 5:54 am
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Re: The French Lieutenant's Woman
hi chris
thanks for looking in - i'm afraid there's not much of a handle here to hold on to - i will try & re-work a bit to rectify.
but please do give your comments - whenever you feel like it. what it means to the reader is the exciting part - no matter what - otherwise it's a dead thing!
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Apr/16/2012, 6:08 am
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Re: The French Lieutenant's Woman
Hey queenfisher
There's some pretty good stuff here, but i think the poem goes on a bit too long.
You seduce me with words
drop my clothes one by one
shake my hair loose shut
the lights light candles
open the wine clink glasses
jump into bed: make love.
i like the line breaks here, they add a jumpy skitterish quality to it. The colon in the last line doesn't quite seem right, perhaps you could do this?-
open the wine clink glasses
jump into bed
make love.
Is that how it’s done in your part of the world?
In the movies they do
so softly you hold me
so gentle so tight so
hard when you leave
in the morning I feel
like a one-night stand
but with class:
good. To me the poem feels complete here.
(Meryl Streep in the French Lieutenant’s Woman
waiting… )
not needed
at my window
overlooking the hills
blue sky white clouds
hang like grapes to be
plucked.
quite good- you could also finish with this
I’m in a brothel now
sordid…wasted...behind
caged bars waiting…
to be picked up at any cost.
The price I pay, for just…
...a few words.
the final couplet is ok, but the brothel stuff gets a bit too obvious. Better to lead your audience in that direction with more subtlety.
Thanks for the read
sb
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Apr/16/2012, 6:13 am
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Re: The French Lieutenant's Woman
Queenfisher,
For me, I wouldn't use a movie title for
the title. I'd feel the reader would think
more about the movie, than the poem.
But I wanted to add a thought for you.
Here, for instance:
You seduce me with words
drop my clothes one by one
shake my hair loose shut
the lights light candles
open the wine clink glasses
jump into bed: make love.
Is that how it’s done in your part of the world?
It's completely telly,
the entire 6 line stanza
because I think by the middle
the reader already knows.
Now, I love the line
Is that how it's done in your part of the world?
and think you could simply say this:
You seduce me with words,
Is that how its done in your part of the world?
and then go on to the rest of the poem.
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Apr/17/2012, 12:47 pm
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Re: The French Lieutenant's Woman
hi sam
thanks for your detailed crit - makes me see the poem with more clarity.
glad that most of it did work for you!
i guess i have to throw the french lieutenant's woman out of the window!
will try & work the last bit.
thanks a lot!
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Apr/19/2012, 1:24 am
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Re: The French Lieutenant's Woman
dear ineese
thanks for your input
yes the title! i suppose if there's no 'Meryl Streep in the French Lieutenant’s Woman' - then the title goes too!
i thought i would 'tell' just to get the last dig in - the whole enchalada!
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Apr/19/2012, 1:31 am
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