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She Was Me
She Was Me
There was a chap-clad, mud-love girl I lost.
She languishes here in the purple walls.
I got scared. I can’t tell you what it cost.
Fading light girl: time like a creeping frost.
She set up toy horses each in their stalls.
She was the chap-clad, mud-love girl I lost.
A drawing in moonlight darkness, page tossed
With color: starburst reds, tear-blue scrawls.
I got scared. I can’t tell you what it cost.
I wonder if this room can catch time, cross
Her stars with mine, bend space and unwind, call
Her back to me—chap-clad, mud-love girl lost.
Sweet girl: dark-eyes, the shade of summer moss,
A stranger now who painted these violet walls.
I got scared. I can’t tell you what it cost.
Here is what I gained: love with fear embossed,
Distrust, caution after so many falls.
She was me—chap-clad, mud-love girl I lost.
I got so scared. But just look what it cost.
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Apr/24/2012, 4:19 pm
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Re: She Was Me
This is a strong villanelle, a tough form to contend with. The repetition has to really work and the syllabics as well as the rhymes need to work without being forced. It seems you do well with that.
So much to enjoy here. The repeated lines work, especially
quote:
There was a chap-clad, mud-love girl I lost.
This line, too, is gorgeous:
quote:
A drawing in moonlight darkness, page tossed
With color: starburst reds, tear-blue scrawls.
The sense of loss of childhood and I guess the purity of trust one has as a child -- it's palpable here.
Very cool! Thanks for posting.
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Apr/25/2012, 3:06 pm
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Re: She Was Me
M,
It's beautiful (to me) and I would not
change anything here. The voice is tender
and real.
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Apr/25/2012, 6:04 pm
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Re: She Was Me
Thanks for the feedback, vkp! Glad you enjoyed the poem!
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Apr/25/2012, 11:16 pm
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Re: She Was Me
Thank you so much. I'm glad you enjoyed the poem. 
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Apr/25/2012, 11:16 pm
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Re: She Was Me
Hi Magy,
Ah, a villanelle (thanks, vkp). I knew this was using a form, but couldn't remember which one.
I love the phrase "chap-clad, mud-love girl." I also like "Fading light girl" and S4 is wonderful:
"I wonder if this room can catch time, cross
Her stars with mine, bend space and unwind, call
Her back to me—chap-clad, mud-love girl lost."
"love with fear embossed" is one of those phrases I wish I had thought of first. The voice in the poem is tender and real as ineese points out. Also wistful as is appropriate for the described loss. The voice here also reminds me of the voice in your poem about Keats. I feel it is one I can trust.
Thank you for posting.
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Apr/26/2012, 7:37 am
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Re: She Was Me
Got to be honest. If the poem works for me, which it does, reason has nothing to do with that it is a villanelle. Poem just might work in spite of the form. I see this girl. I see her muddiness. And her first born fears. Convincingly. I can't help but wonder, however, where the poem might have gone, the girl for that matter, had the poet committed herself to a form of her own devising. Could be a fun game to play.
Tere
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Apr/27/2012, 8:09 pm
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Re: She Was Me
Katlin--
Thank you so much for the feedback! I didn't notice before, but the voice is similar to the one in the Keats poem. I wonder what made a similar voice come for both poems. It makes me look for other similarities between the poems...
-Magy
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Apr/29/2012, 7:32 pm
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Re: She Was Me
Terreson--
Your comment made me think about why I chose to write this particular poem as a villanelle. I wanted to see if it would be worth undoing the form and writing it as something different--free verse, perhaps. But I've decided that, though the choice may have been unconscious, in this case, the strict villanelle form reinforces the meaning of the poem. The repeating lines echo the inevitability of lost innocence. The narrator cannot undo time anymore than she can undo the villanelle form. She is trapped by its form just as she is trapped, to a certain extent, as this newly fearful, cautious person.
Thank you for the comment! It's always worth while to figure out exactly why you did something the way you did it, or if it's worth doing it a different way...
-Magy
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Apr/29/2012, 7:37 pm
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Re: She Was Me
Excellent thoughts, Magy. Reasoning persuades me of its logic. Maybe one thought comes to mind. All poetry has form. Even open-form poetry has form. And the prose poem. Even in rock n roll poetry there is a form, strict and rhythm bound. Just thinking out loud.
Tere
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Apr/30/2012, 1:25 pm
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