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intimately unknown
The moon is hanging there with that look
like I should know – alone and wild –
she’s a blinding mass of ancient art, forgotten.
Her dark side’s vicious, grave with dream
debris and angry space.
Next door, savage voices power-up
fire shots at what their coupling means.
That’s my point he shouts
what’s it to you if I get smashed?
Beautiful and still she’s a bell
in-toning when struck hard enough.
Last edited by daisy rain, May/7/2012, 4:47 pm
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May/6/2012, 1:08 pm
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Re: intimately unknown
Careless Luna
She peaks and sways
tattling on windowspeck gleanings
leaving traces of music memories
taking in dreamers
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May/6/2012, 6:40 pm
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Re: intimately unknown
Daisy,
Very strong write. I really
don't have any suggestions
except I'd probably go with
the moon hangs there
but really, a strong poem.
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May/7/2012, 7:46 am
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Re: intimately unknown
hi daisy,
I agree, a strong write. This struck me, "grave with dream/debris and angry space."
First stanza suggests some sense of relationship between N and the moon, second stanza strikes me as a description of the dark side of some individual psyche...I'm having trouble connecting these with the last references to the "savage voices" from next door. The spacing in that last stanza, so that
it almost seems to be divided into columns is...interesting. Last line is striking, "she's a bell/in-toning---when struck hard enough."
Thought provoking read, daisy. Thanks for it,
Chris
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May/7/2012, 9:11 am
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Re: intimately unknown
Thank you all for responding ... I'm still struggling with this ... in my own mind of course it's clear but that's not the point .. if I haven't got the double scenario going on then it's not really "it" ...
Was hoping that the last stanza went with a crescent moon ... just playing really (hence my edit)
I suspect I was a musician in a previous life, probably a very rough one *heh .. trying to get non-harmony to sing with smooth ...
thank you Chris, ineese and libra .. love your song!
D
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May/7/2012, 4:54 pm
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Re: intimately unknown
Oh yes. Daisy, I do not know of many people given over to moon lore who get that the back side of the moon, symbolically, is her dark and viscious side. I think of it as her fourth order, fourth side, fourth phase, as you wish. There can be cruelty in the moon, again symbolically. She can be minus zero cold, clinically vile, enjoy her own enjoyment in pain meted out on both herself and the ones she loves. It is true. Your poem draws it out.
So that's a part of the poem I think. Last S speaks to, to me at least, a kind of madness two lovers can make when the oven is on high and they are locked inside.
Title is perfect, by the way, I think I get it.
One prosodic problem I have with the poem comes with a word choice in S1. "Forgotten." A cliche. What really does the word mean?
Anyway, yes. This is such a good poem.
Tere
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May/8/2012, 6:44 pm
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Re: intimately unknown
dear daisy
the opening is quite stunning:
The moon is hanging there with that look
like I should know – alone and wild –
she’s a blinding mass of ancient art, forgotten.
& this reminds me of sylvia plath:
That’s my point he shouts
what’s it to you if I get smashed?
Beautiful and still she’s a bell
in-toning when struck hard enough.
specially the last line: she's a bell in-toning when struck hard enough.
i like the way the moon/ the woman / the relationship merges - only to stand apart with such clarity.
both beautiful & disturbing.
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May/9/2012, 4:04 am
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Re: intimately unknown
I love this. I read it the original way and did not have time to comment. I like the revision even better.
I agree with Queen re. exactly which of your many strong lines struck me, too. Also, the word forgotten hit me funny as well. I am thinking that the moon is not so much forgotten -- at least not when she's visible -- as undervalued by so many. She has her own power that works upon all of us and yet most people seem oblivious of that magical pull, power, influence. My son, when he was very young, loved seeing the moon, thinking she was watching him, specifically, from the sky. She looks over us, doesn't she? And when we can't see her -- watch out! She's still there, darkly intoning like the woman, the bell, in your last lines. Anyway -- grand job. Thanks for it.
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May/9/2012, 8:07 am
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Re: intimately unknown
Hi daisy, some full luminary domestic violence going down next door.
Dealing with the moon is always tricky I guess. All in all I think you shined a pretty good light. I’m just thinking you could integrate this piece and drop the stanzas altogether. Just a possibility…
I played a bit (I hope that’s OK because I always love it when someone massages anything I’ve done – I mean it takes time right?)… Anyway it’s just a variation and please ignore if it violates what you’re after with this piece. If there’s anything you like about the possibility then feel free to use it as your own. I always tinker so…
Enjoyed your poem. And look forward to others...
Opie
The moon hangs there
with that look like
I should know.
That’s my point
he shouts.
What’s it to you
if I get smashed?
She’s a blinding mass
of ancient art. Her dark side is
grave with dream. Next door
savage voices open. Fire shots
at what their coupling means.
She’s a bell when struck
hard enough.
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May/9/2012, 12:59 pm
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Re: intimately unknown
Hi Daisy,
"intimately unknown" is a wonderful title. There's a lot going on in and between the stanzas in this poem, and despite all the specific details, it is left up to the reader to make a wide sweep of connections. In that way, I think the reader feels a bit like the N: "like I should know." It's a haunting/daunting, truth-telling poem on many levels. Very strong write. Thank you for posting.
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May/11/2012, 2:39 pm
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Re: intimately unknown
daisy rain,
You talk about the other side of the moon. It's a side I never much contemplated. It's interesting, maybe provocative, to talk about. I never thought of it as vicious though, so this is a new perspective for me. That idea doesn't come easily to me.
I'm somewhat confused by Libramoon's version. Was that how you had it originally? If so, it might help to keep the original there just for continuity, for the readers like myself. Original, Rev. 1, Rev. 2, etc. or some other sequence. Not mandatory, obviously. Also, Opie DeLetta had another version which threw me off. Is that just a recommendation, or another version? Seems like a recommendation.
There appears to be an effort to relate the moon itself with the domestic quarrel at the end. For me, the tie-in is weak. It needs either more focus or more development to tie the two pieces together.
Thanks for posting. Zak
quote: daisy rain wrote:
The moon is hanging there with that look
like I should know – alone and wild –
she’s a blinding mass of ancient art, forgotten.
Her dark side’s vicious, grave with dream
debris and angry space.
Next door, savage voices power-up
fire shots at what their coupling means.
That’s my point he shouts
what’s it to you if I get smashed?
Beautiful and still she’s a bell
in-toning when struck hard enough.
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May/12/2012, 7:11 am
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Re: intimately unknown
Zak
Vicious may not be the right word; I hoped the moon’s symbolic duality would carry my attempt to reflect on the spiritual/emotional dark that’s an innate part of (our) nature alongside the lovely stuff.
Diana’s characterized as a hunter, not to mention influencing/causing lunacy, the supernatural and dark forces. Not unlike our own minds with all those un/conscious layers. When in harmony everything ticks along splendidly, when not … boom …
But that’s the anthropomorphic pitfall, isn’t it? we imbue planets, teddy bears with our own stuff and who knows what’s real or not; or even if it’s all real. Do the gods act on us just to watch the fireworks or are we creatures with free will hanging around with a lot of bad inner influences? lol
I truly am saying all this light-heartedly, you know this, right?
The couple next door are fine, btw, it was a flare-up during which “things were said.” It happens to everyone and later you wonder where that urge to hurt came from, how you could have said or done whatever in that deliberately brutal way. There’s a choice right there and it goes beyond the “who stayed out too late” issue that started the whole thing.
The cosmos and human nature are mysterious and surprising. Perhaps I was trying to make a few words do too much? I don’t seem to have the wherewithal to write more extended-ly these days … then I create a poetic black-hole micro-dot lol … so your comments are well founded, Zak – I just have no ideas what else to do with this - not really wanting it to be a narrative on relationships or even that row.)
Libramoon responded with a song of his/her own, Opie had a go at editing to cut out unnecessaries and vkp saw the original on another site. This is the only version on here. I'm happy to post the original version 1 if you would like ... see where this piece has travelled to get to here ...
Thanks!
D
Last edited by daisy rain, May/12/2012, 9:17 am
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May/12/2012, 9:14 am
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Re: intimately unknown
Katlin – I’m thrilled that you got what I was trying to describe by way of tone and oblique hinting lol … yes, that phrase really is the core of it all.
Opie – love what you did with this though i’m not keen on how it “looks” in your version, but yes! please do play around with anything I post, it’s a very visual way to say stuff and appeals to my imagination directly. Thank you!
vkp – yes, forgotten was properly right only for rhythm really – unconscious just made me think of roadkill *heh and other terms like buried/supernatural/ seemed to go places I didn’t have on the map.
queenfisher – yes yes yes – beautiful and disturbing is so it/Life! Thank you!
Terreson – I loved your response! As well as being supportive of this poem with a headache lol you reminded me of what I was trying to do with it in the first place. You know that feeling when a piece has taken over its reins and you’re never sure whether to let it or wrestle back some sense of authorship??
ineese – such a lovely response, thank you!
Christine – yes, you also have found weaknesses here and I’m grateful, albeit clueless as to how to "fix" lol
I never expected so much response to this and find it interesting that some see it purely as a moon poem, others as only describing abuse. Both are true of course and I think what I’m trying to describe is duality … maybe … arrgghh! don’t know any more but I really am thrilled that you’ve all given me so much to work with … I am a very flawed writer and I hope none of you felt your time with this was wasted.
In appreciation,
D
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May/12/2012, 9:27 am
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