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ineese Profile
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A Different Lane


You rattle my cage when all I choose to see
is the rose dawn over a six-lane highway
not the nose pickers, the mother slapping her child
across the face, the masturbators who ignore
the green light.
I see more than you know. I've lingered at the prison
with a sack lunch for Marie. Mike holds the
record for going without a bath, knows my perfume
under the bridge near White River.
You can douse me with judgment, but you can't
wreck my four wheel drive.
I am on the right course. The little boy in Indonesia
remembers me when the bandages are removed.
And though he sees, and I barely do, I'm okay with that.
Somethings are better left to fog, some figures
better left to atrophy.
Jul/13/2012, 9:27 am Link to this post Send PM to ineese Blog
 
vkp Profile
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Re: A Different Lane


Ineese: Incredible and incredibly good. Raw and real and it has momentum, for sure. There's a tone of defiance that I love a LOT and the insistence on the idea of SEEING -- what you choose to see, what you choose not to see, and what you see in spite of it all. And then, of course, what you are unable to see.

The details, the names dropped in -- Marie and her lunch at the prison, Mike and his unwashed state -- whoever they are (or aren't) they are grist for this gritty, real poem.
Jul/13/2012, 3:31 pm Link to this post Send Email to vkp   Send PM to vkp Blog
 
ineese Profile
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Re: A Different Lane


vkp,

that's what I was going for: reality.

You've been a huge encouragement. This is not my usual fare but I enjoyed writing it.
Jul/13/2012, 7:12 pm Link to this post Send PM to ineese Blog
 
Zakzzz5 Profile
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Re: A Different Lane


ineese,

Oddly, I found myself looking at the protagonist through the eyes of the accuser. Perhaps its because many times I've made judgments about people only to be disabused later on finding out more about that person. I was very critical of a man who kept his dogs penned and never walked them, until I discovered he did spend time with them but it was later in the day. Found out he did love his penned up dogs.

Your accuser here wants the protagonist to notice the bad side of society, and hammers her with it. She responds that she is selective about it, and then gives examples of her selections, such as the story about the bandages. So it can be a poem about controlling your vision of the world, or it can be about the accuser's narrow vision. Both work. Excellent poem, and I agree: gritty.

Zak

quote:

ineese wrote:

You rattle my cage when all I choose to see
is the rose dawn over a six-lane highway
not the nose pickers, the mother slapping her child
across the face, the masturbators who ignore
the green light.
I see more than you know. I've lingered at the prison
with a sack lunch for Marie. Mike holds the
record for going without a bath, knows my perfume
under the bridge near White River.
You can douse me with judgment, but you can't
wreck my four wheel drive.
I am on the right course. The little boy in Indonesia
remembers me when the bandages are removed.
And though he sees, and I barely do, I'm okay with that.
Somethings are better left to fog, some figures
better left to atrophy.



Jul/14/2012, 6:01 am Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: A Different Lane


hi ineese,

First read through, I couldn't see what nose picking and masturbation were doing in the same poem with prisoners, homeless people and an Indonesian child who needs sight-saving surgery. I also didn't get, "Somethings are better left to fog, some figures/better left to atrophy." But now I think it's about orders of concern; prioritizing and short-sightedness. Focus.

and I think zak's observations re: the observer hit the nail on the head.

Chris
Jul/14/2012, 3:01 pm Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
queenfisher Profile
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Re: A Different Lane


dear ineese

a powerful write - hits where it's meant to -
i see N as a person whose undergone much - & is still very vulnerable - even tho she chooses to see: the rose dawn... she's not blind to reality & the ugly side of life - which she has both undergone & experienced but chooses to rise above.

love the lines:

You can douse me with judgment, but you can't
wreck my four wheel drive.
I am on the right course

carries further you metaphor of the highway
& the quiet confidence of N -

your poem - as many others - offers solution - to the common ills / suffering / pain etc. which is so universal.

there's a strength of character that emerges
Jul/16/2012, 2:02 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: A Different Lane


Hi ineese,

The first thing that came to mind when I read your poem was this quote (although I couldn't remember who said it): "We make out of the quarrel with others, rhetoric, but of the quarrel with ourselves, poetry." (Yeats)

In this poem the N is addressing a disturbing argument with the "You" who starts off the poem, the person Zak has referred to as "the accuser." This accuser "rattles" the N's "cage." It's a cliche, sure, but it got me thinking about how our perspectives are indeed cages.

While I appreciate the strength of the N's voice and the grittiness of the poem, overal the poem doesn't work for me as well as it has for others, and I'm not sure why. Maybe I'd like to know more about the "you" or more about the N's inner quarrels. (Is s/he really so certain "I am on the right track?" How does s/he know "The little boy in Indonesia/remembers me when the bandages are removed."?) Or maybe this poem just rattled my cage! Could be. emoticon

Thanks for posting, ineese. I enjoyed thinking about what was for me a challenging poem.

Jul/18/2012, 8:08 pm Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
ineese Profile
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Re: A Different Lane


Thank you each for taking a look at this and for the great feedback. I've been amiss
at keeping up with replies as life has thrown
a ton at me but I will rebound soon!
Jul/26/2012, 10:40 am Link to this post Send PM to ineese Blog
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: A Different Lane


Hi ineese,

I've been thinking about this poem and wanted you to know that if I read as someone who knows you a little from this board, it works better for me than if I read it as someone who doesn't know the author.

Hey Life, quit throwing a ton of stuff at ineese, will you?!? Hope things settle down for you soon!
Jul/26/2012, 8:00 pm Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
ineese Profile
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Re: A Different Lane


K, thanks. Things are settling down
quite nicely. Now, if I read your comment
I think you mean that the style you found comfortable b/c you've read previous poems
by me? Well, I hope newbies (if they are here) will find something they can understand as well! Thank you so much.
Jul/27/2012, 3:36 pm Link to this post Send PM to ineese Blog
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: A Different Lane


Poem is jarring which, I assume, is intentional. So my first question is why? Second question: who needs to be jarred or, perhaps, taken out of a comfort zone of sorts? Prosodically I think the poem would be more effective if it limited itself to one instance of what the narrator is after, perhaps involving the Indonesian boy, focused on it, further developed it.

Tere
Aug/5/2012, 12:54 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
Maria Divina Profile
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Re: A Different Lane


Kathleen,

This seems a bit different from you, but then again why not, I mean, why not experiment with different voices, ideas, places etc.

I find the rawness of the words and emotions conveyed quite poignant.


Just a few suggestions. First of all I'd break the poem into strophes - maybe three - I think this would enhance the messages/meanings/story.

I question the use of the verb 'choose' in line 1. I like the opening, but maybe a different one would work better ... maybe even 'want' ... anyway something stronger than 'choose' to fit 'you rattle my cage' better.


Always enjoy reading you.


Hope you're doing fine.


Maria
Dec/2/2012, 2:22 pm Link to this post Send Email to Maria Divina   Send PM to Maria Divina
 
vkp Profile
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Re: A Different Lane


Dissenting voice -- "choose" is vital to the poem IMO. I think I said that in an earlier comment. I agree with Maria about the strophes -- that would be an asset.
vkp
Dec/4/2012, 10:34 am Link to this post Send Email to vkp   Send PM to vkp Blog
 
ineese Profile
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Re: A Different Lane


Tere, not sure why. This turned out not
to be one of my favorite voices. but I may
develop something from it. thanks so much for
feedback.

Maria, true! Thanks for reading. good to branch
out and see what works and what doesn't, I guess.

vkp, I agree. Thank you for reading this!
Dec/4/2012, 11:30 am Link to this post Send PM to ineese Blog
 


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