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ineese Profile
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l'ombre



Shadows are stages where we go to dry off,
dark spaces beneath and below our light.
Secrets. Comforting in a friend kind of manner,
childlike, diminished toward mid-afternoon.

Porch spots to curl up inside.
When we can no longer stand, or run.
Before life, it was all there was.
Small thumbs inside small thumbs.
There must be purpose to their fragments that travel with us.
I'll invite them all into my life as guests,
or simply keep them on the windowsill.
Look, another beginning outside these bright
rooms of rain. Doors open and close
like a robin's breast. I never want to be
satisfied, or walk so straight
I miss the last season's face.
I never want to miss
those shapes I don't recognize,
those soft cloths that stay
and stay.

Last edited by ineese, Jul/17/2012, 10:05 am
Jul/16/2012, 6:44 pm Link to this post Send PM to ineese Blog
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: l'ombre


hi ineese,

When I read this, I kept thinking of the expression, beyond the veil, which actually means: the unknown state of being after death. This poem refers to life before life as well. Did you mean to break the line here:"...fragments t/hat travel with us"? Interesting.

I am confused by the first line, It's the shadow I avoid... followed by descriptions of the comforting nature of shadows, Porch spots to curl up inside.I wonder why the narrator avoids them. Also confused by, Shadows are wetting stages where we go to dry off,
I'm completely at a loss here.

I love, love this: outside these bright/rooms of rain

I wonder if these shadows and lights are also a description of physical, visual distortions--or whether the poem has taken a physical phenomenon as it's starting point.

The cloth that stays/and stays takes me back to my "veil" associations. Thanks for this, ineese,

Chris


Jul/17/2012, 8:25 am Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
ineese Profile
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Re: l'ombre


Chris,

I had a bit of a typo on that one line there
with the fragments.

I think its more about visual distortions
and you know, I need to give more thought
to the piece. I myself agree, the first
line and then the lines that follow
making the shadows sound so appealing
are confusing.

I probably should have dived into this
a lot more before posting but depending
on the astute reader (such as those like you)
it really helps me know what to toss or keep.

So I'm going to revise, (of course) and I think edit out some of my confusion!

Thank you so much for the great feedback.

Jul/17/2012, 10:02 am Link to this post Send PM to ineese Blog
 
vkp Profile
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Re: l'ombre


Ineese, In your work there is invariabley something (or more than one something, indeed) that makes me go: "Now THAT is cool." Here, there is plenty, but I have to say that "Small thumbs inside small thumbs" is the one that I keep hearing, like the repeating tinkle of a wind chime in my head.

quote:

Shadows are stages where we go to dry off,
dark spaces beneath and below our light.

Excellent that though we are solid and shadows are made of light (paradoxically), in this line it is us who are made of light. Of course!
quote:

Secrets. Comforting in a friend kind of manner,
childlike, diminished toward mid-afternoon.

The phrase "in a friend kind of manner" seems stilted to me. What I relate to here is the very natural connection you've made between shadows and secrets and the childlike nature of both. Shadows cavort, or if they are still, they are like cartoons, almost, or cariciatures of the solid thing they emulate. Why is it that children are so fascinated by shadows? Children have an easier time penetrating the veil (the one Chris mentions) and maybe they see shadows for what they really are....

quote:

Porch spots to curl up inside.
When we can no longer stand, or run.
Before life, it was all there was.
Small thumbs inside small thumbs.
There must be purpose to their fragments that travel with us.

Yes, I think there is purpose. Probably to everything if we just could realize it. You are moving here beyond this realm into what was here before us. Or before life, period. You evoke contemplations on the nature of reality. Not bad for a Tuesday morning.
 
quote:

I'll invite them all into my life as guests,
or simply keep them on the windowsill.
Look, another beginning outside these bright
rooms of rain. Doors open and close
like a robin's breast. I never want to be
satisfied, or walk so straight
I miss the last season's face.
I never want to miss
those shapes I don't recognize,
those soft cloths that stay
and stay.

In addition to the "small thumbs" line, this is my favorite section of the poem. Much is made of the strong ending. Well, I feel that you have one. I agree with Chris that the "bright/rooms of rain" is fantastic and also respond to the rather quirky "Doors open and close/like a robin's breast." In the next lines, I think you are using the word "miss" twice, but with different meanings. In the first, you miss something that has passed, is gone now. In the second, you say you don't want to miss "those shapes I don't recognize", and I take that to mean that you don't want them to pass you by without notice. We often look upon things that we do not recognize. Do we actually see them? If they don't hook up to our scaffolding of the familiar, do they slide off our consciousness leaving no residue?

Well if getting a person to think is an honorable goal for a writer, you've done that. And delightfully.
vkp
PS I am just now taking in the title and wondering about it. Hmmmmmm.



Last edited by vkp, Jul/18/2012, 8:08 am
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Katlin Profile
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Re: l'ombre


Hi ineese,

I love the title, which pulls me into the poem. I'm not sure about the first stanza. I agree with vkp that "Comforting in a friend kind of manner" feels stilted, and I think unnecessarily draws attention to itself. Perhaps consider: "Comforting in a friendly kind of manner."

In S2, the poem picks up for me. I like the line: "Porch spots to curl up inside." which I can both see and feel. I really like these lines, right through to the ending, which resonate with me:

I'll invite them all into my life as guests,
or simply keep them on the windowsill.
Look, another beginning outside these bright
rooms of rain. Doors open and close
like a robin's breast. I never want to be
satisfied, or walk so straight
I miss the last season's face.
I never want to miss
those shapes I don't recognize,
those soft cloths that stay
and stay.

This is a interesting take on an interesting topic. I enjoyed the read.

Jul/18/2012, 8:29 pm Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
ineese Profile
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Re: l'ombre


vkp, thank you for your indepth
feedback on this. Truly appreciated.
I'm still working the stanzas out in my mind, thinking they could be adjusted.
I'm so glad you found the poem thought provoking!

Jul/19/2012, 7:01 am Link to this post Send PM to ineese Blog
 
ineese Profile
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Re: l'ombre


Katlin,

Yes, that line may be awkward here.
Thanks for the great feedback and for helping
me to sort through this one. I struggled with the title, thinking the french wasn't explained but am glad it drew you in.
Jul/19/2012, 7:03 am Link to this post Send PM to ineese Blog
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: l'ombre


A wonderful idea! Extension of metaphor working for me, in measure because of how it gets treated. Shades, shadows, penumbras... To me it all amounts to a philosophical idea poets, never philosophers, nor rationalists, are adequate too. I find the ending satisfies my senses, especially my sense of things.

Tere
Jul/28/2012, 11:29 am Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: l'ombre


hi ineese,

I just read your edited version and think it is a great improvement (although the original is gone so I'm working from memory.)

I would love for this poem to end with, "Look another beginning/outside these bright rooms of rain." (I know, I changed the line break) The part I'd cut hammers home a point, whereas what precedes it is open, ambiguous and intriguing.

Also, there are two POETIC lines that are working wonderfully, "Small thumbs inside small thumbs," and, "...bright rooms of rain."

"Doors open and close/like a robin's breast,"
isn't working for me.

FWIW...I'm sure I'm in the minority and no hard feelings. Thanks for the poem, ineese,

Chris



Aug/11/2012, 9:23 am Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
ineese Profile
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Re: l'ombre


Chris, I value your input! I'm trying to revisit what I did here and why I would omit an original. Give me some time to figure out what I did! It could be that I posted it and it had typos. I'm not sure. I know better than to edit out an original with the revision so I'm not sure why I would have done that. oh no.

You bring up some valid points and I like the areas you mention. I am revising.
Aug/11/2012, 3:14 pm Link to this post Send PM to ineese Blog
 


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