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ineese Profile
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It's all going wrong


rev:



Krystyna comes to the deli every Tuesday
to buy blocks of cheese . She works her way
to speak to Asel in quick easy Russian
her fingers press against the warm window.
Bread rises, divided from meat and slaw.

Asel, my son, my dear son Teddy
is dumb as the side of a building.
How I miss him!
 это все идет в неправильном пути
He waits for me to wire funds;
I don't believe he is going to school.
My boy I wear him on my apron,
smeared like my heart the color of deer.

They walk toward a break area,
carrying cups of cider
cigarettes & a match between them.

Krystyna, the sky wrinkles
but the sun is not lost.
Your eyes are too hooded to see.
He will be fine. Take your order,
sugar and salad.
The house will be warm when she you arrive.

She jiggles the knob
as though it were pocket change.
Teddy has been sliced
from her a silver bristle,
a branch that will neither ice nor thaw.
She no longer holds him.




Russian translation: It's all going wrong.



draft:


Krystyna always came into the deli on Tuesdays
to buy her cheese in bulk. We work our way
over to the side to speak in quick easy Russian
her fingers press against the warm window
where bread rises, divided from meat and slaw.
Asel, my son, my dear son,
he is dumb as the side of a building,
how I miss him. He waits for me to wire funds;
I don't believe he is going to school

they walk toward a break area,
carrying two cups of cider
two cigarettes & a match between them.
my boy, my boy, I wear him on my apron,
he is smeared like my heart: the color of deer.
Krystyna the sky wrinkles, but the sun is not lost.
your eyes are too hooded to see.
He will be fine.

это все идет в неправильном пути

She gathers her order
sugar, salad, blocks of cheese.
The house will be warm when she arrives,
she'll jingle the knob as if it were pocket change.
Teddy, Teddy, you have been sliced from me
a silver bristle, you are a branch
that can neither ice or thaw.
I can no longer hold you.

Last edited by ineese, Sep/4/2012, 7:28 pm
Aug/11/2012, 3:10 pm Link to this post Send PM to ineese Blog
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: It's all going wrong


hi ineese,

POV confuses me. In S1: "We work our way/over to the side..." S2: "they walk toward a break area..." In S1 and S2, Krystyna is talking about her son so I assume it's the same scene.

S3 is poignant; "I can no longer hold you." Did you mean jiggle or jingle? Wonderful line in any case, "she'll jingle the knob as if it were pocket change." Something about this depiction of an ordinary woman, going about her business with a broken heart reminds me of that old Beatles song, "All the Lonely People."

Not sure about the line in a foreign language (Russian?)

Chris
Aug/12/2012, 8:34 am Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: It's all going wrong


Hi ineese,

Like Chris, I was confused by who was saying what in the poem. I thought that the Asel was the N's missing son, but then got confused at the end by the introduction of Teddy. That made me wonder if the "they" referred to the two women or their two sons? Googling, I discovered the Russian sentence has been translated in(to) the title, but I wonder how the line will work for a reader who isn't on the internet and can't look such things up.

Overall, I see potential in this poem. You are painting a vivid scene and two strong maternal characters, but you need to iron out a few rough spots that cause the reader to stumble.

Aug/12/2012, 9:36 am Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
ineese Profile
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Re: It's all going wrong


thanks both of you, it is a work in progress.


The Russian line means the title line.
"it's all going wrong"

There are two people in the poem, two ladies
who meet. The son is Teddy, the son of Krystyna.

Thank you for helping me see that more clearly!

I'm revising.
Aug/12/2012, 10:32 am Link to this post Send PM to ineese Blog
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: It's all going wrong


Hi ineese,

Wow, seems like I really missed the mark on this one! I googled and discovered that Asel is a female name, not the male name I had assumed it was. From the revision, I understand that the N is observing and eavesdropping on the two women. Now that you've clarified the situation in the first three stanzas, I don't think you need to say "Asel answers" in S4 and I think you can drop "she says" in S2 as well, and it will still be clear who is talking:

Asel, my son, my dear son Teddy

Krystyna, the sky wrinkles

Thanks for your patience in clearing this up, ineese. I think I've got it now. emoticon

Last edited by Katlin, Aug/13/2012, 7:15 am
Aug/13/2012, 7:01 am Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
ineese Profile
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Re: It's all going wrong


Katin, That's fine! A lot of people
assume I googled the entire poem but nothing could be further from the truth. ha ha. Asel
is my daughter in law and she helped me with the Russian line as well.
Aug/13/2012, 7:09 am Link to this post Send PM to ineese Blog
 
Zakzzz5 Profile
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Re: It's all going wrong


ineese,

I had the same problems the others had with the point of view, and also thought Asel was male. I see where Katlin says you don't have to change anything now that a couple of things were clarified.

However, most readers are going to take Asel as a male, at least in this country. I think something could be done to show Asel is female:

"Asel, you are a mother,
you understand my son, my dear son Teddy
is dumb as the side of a building.
How I miss him!
 это все идет в неправильном пути
He waits for me to wire funds;
I don't believe he is going to school.
My boy I wear him on my apron,
smeared like my heart the color of deer"

Something like this above could clarify it. Obviously with more time and effort, and insight, you could come up with a better solution than mine.

Other than that, the writing may be the best I've seen from you. See notes below. The writing is extraordinarily good. Zak
----------------------------------------
 b]ineese wrote:

rev:



Krystyna comes to the deli every Tuesday
to buy blocks of cheese . She works her way
to speak to Asel in quick easy Russian
her fingers press against the warm window. [I LIKE THIS.]
Bread rises, divided from meat and slaw. [I LIKE THE RAWNESS OF THE WRITING: PARTICULARLY THE "MEAT AND SLAW."]

Asel, my son, my dear son Teddy
is dumb as the side of a building.
How I miss him!
 это все идет в неправильном пути
He waits for me to wire funds;
I don't believe he is going to school. [THIS IS SO REALISTIC THAT IT'S PAINFUL.]
My boy I wear him on my apron,
smeared like my heart the color of deer. [THIS IS GOOD, RAW "SMEARED" AND THE UNUSUAL USE OF "COLOR OF DEER"]

They walk toward a break area,
carrying cups of cider
cigarettes & a match between them.

Krystyna, the sky wrinkles
but the sun is not lost.
Your eyes are too hooded to see.
He will be fine. Take your order,
sugar and salad.
The house will be warm when she you arrive. [IS THIS A SLIP-UP OR DID YOU INTEND "SHE YOU"?]

She jiggles the knob
as though it were pocket change.
Teddy has been sliced
from her a silver bristle,
a branch that will neither ice nor thaw.
She no longer holds him. [MIGHT NOT NEED THE LAST LINE, AS IT IS INTUITIVE FROM THE PREVIOUS. AT LEAST CONSIDER IT.]




Russian translation: It's all going wrong.



draft:


Krystyna always came into the deli on Tuesdays
to buy her cheese in bulk. We work our way
over to the side to speak in quick easy Russian
her fingers press against the warm window
where bread rises, divided from meat and slaw.
Asel, my son, my dear son,
he is dumb as the side of a building,
how I miss him. He waits for me to wire funds;
I don't believe he is going to school

they walk toward a break area,
carrying two cups of cider
two cigarettes & a match between them.
my boy, my boy, I wear him on my apron,
he is smeared like my heart: the color of deer.
Krystyna the sky wrinkles, but the sun is not lost.
your eyes are too hooded to see.
He will be fine.

это все идет в неправильном пути

She gathers her order
sugar, salad, blocks of cheese.
The house will be warm when she arrives,
she'll jingle the knob as if it were pocket change.
Teddy, Teddy, you have been sliced from me
a silver bristle, you are a branch
that can neither ice or thaw.
I can no longer hold you.



Sep/26/2012, 6:21 am Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
vkp Profile
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Re: It's all going wrong


Krystyna comes to the deli every Tuesday
to buy blocks of cheese . She works her way
to speak to Asel in quick easy Russian [I'd put punctuation here -- you do use punc in the poem and here the abrupt run-on is confusing.]
her fingers press against the warm window.
Bread rises, divided from meat and slaw.

Asel, my son, my dear son Teddy
is dumb as the side of a building.
How I miss him!
 это все идет в неправильном пути [I loved this even before I knew what it meant. Never bugged me -- I really like other languages in a poem and always essentially trust the poet that if the line is not literally repeated in English elsewhere in the poem, at least it is probably conveyed fully in some way, or rather, ideally. I love knowing but it's cool either way, IMO.]
He waits for me to wire funds;
I don't believe he is going to school.
My boy I wear him on my apron,
smeared like my heart the color of deer. [This line is absolutely incredible -- these last two lines actually. So incredibly nothing-ever-done-before -- at least I don't think so. Wow. It is mother love-anguish in its rawest form.]

They walk toward a break area,
carrying cups of cider
cigarettes & a match between them.

Krystyna, the sky wrinkles
but the sun is not lost. [To me this has the feel of an aphorism, something old and wise, passed down. If it isn't -- congrats for making it seem as if it is. If it is -- well done using it here.]
Your eyes are too hooded to see.
He will be fine. Take your order,
sugar and salad.
The house will be warm when she you arrive. [typo here -- you forgot to delete "she" when you put into second person]

She jiggles the knob
as though it were pocket change. [love it]
Teddy has been sliced
from her a silver bristle, [comma after her?]
a branch that will neither ice nor thaw.
She no longer holds him. [Again -- amazing stroke for depicting the prickly sorrow of a mother whose son needs her but should not, a son, I imagine, she wants only to help but knows it is the wrong thing to do.... Something close to universal, if not experienced by every parent, certainly understood by them.]


Sep/28/2012, 3:19 pm Link to this post Send Email to vkp   Send PM to vkp Blog
 
mojave1959 Profile
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Re: It's all going wrong


I---


clear enough to me. a mother seeks advice in russian from a local, he advises tough love. drop your son, he's beyond help just now.

the mother takes his advice.

what a nice detail, a cigarette and one match between them. almost romantic, certainly opens the door for a sypathetic reading of the poem.

softens the bitter close.

i liked the poem.


mojave
Sep/29/2012, 10:11 am Link to this post Send Email to mojave1959   Send PM to mojave1959 Blog
 
ineese Profile
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Re: It's all going wrong


Thank you all. So sorry I haven't been around.
Have had a very ill fam. member. all suggestions noted and appreciated !
Sep/29/2012, 4:58 pm Link to this post Send PM to ineese Blog
 
Katlin Profile
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Hi ineese,

I'm sorry to hear about your seriously ill family member. Wishing you all, all the best.
Oct/5/2012, 11:37 am Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: It's all going wrong


I did not have the afrorementioned narrative problem. Narrative line straight and clear, that or I am just as crooked. Story line good. Scene intimate. So how does a mother face the blown promises of maturity in her own son?

Tere
Oct/13/2012, 10:42 am Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 


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