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queenfisher Profile
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Monsoon Beat


Don’t go
not tonight
my love the clouds
are high strung the earth
is burnt sienna and dark umber
sap green leaves unfold with envy
moths with viridian eyes on their wings
blind themselves to death florescent insects
in metallic blue purple madder mourn in hysterical
pitch fire flies give up their light on my crumpled bed.

Don’t go
not tonight
my love stars point
daggers draw tears of
blood flame of the forest
are lit the moon burns I smell
flesh singe an icy fist closes around
my heart the river is dark with deceptive
comfort a black-hole lurks in our backyard
asteroids are waiting to hit martian crabs scuttle
in spaceships frogs croak with pompous self-belief.

Don’t go
not tonight
my love dragons
wait with baited breath
to torch the fields with crimson
lake forked tongues of lightning strike
to lick the wounds of ancient rocks that look
like inca ruins the night is draped in dracula’s cloak
the rain stabs my throat with sharp pointed teeth that
glint like knives ah thank god you’re here with my drink!

Don’t go
not tonight
my love the bridge
over troubled waters
will lay you down branches
large as cleopatra’s barge race
to their doom why should I not stop
you life gets up and walks away when you
leave relax I’m only leaving tomorrow morning
cheers clink sip sigh beautiful to hold eternity in
a glass half empty and infinity in an ice cube melting...



Aug/13/2012, 4:51 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: Monsoon Beat


hi queenfisher,

This reminded me of Cole Porter : "every time we say goodbye, I die a little/every time we say goodbye, I wonder why a little/why the gods above me/who must be in the know/think so little of me/they'd allow you to go..." Or that other song with the refrain, " but baby it's cold outside..." imploring the other not to leave.

Anyhow, some of the images are terrific and the sustained tone of desperation, mixed with self-parody is funny and painful. The configuration of lines, those half-pyramids, is impressive. Don't know if it enhances the meaning but it doesn't detract. I enjoyed reading this, queen, thanks for it,

Chris



Last edited by Christine98, Aug/14/2012, 8:13 am
Aug/14/2012, 8:12 am Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: Monsoon Beat


Hi Queen,

"Monsoon Beat" is a catchy title, and the repeated "Don't go/not tonight/my love" sets up a nice, mood-setting refrain.

Like Chris, I'm not sure how well the line breaks and half-pyramid shapes are working in this poem: doesn't hurt, but it is the best way to present this material? I'm not sure.

I got a little confused reading these lines and feel they are too dense; perhaps you could cut an adjective:

. . . death florescent insects
in metallic blue purple madder mourn in hysterical
pitch

I really like this line though:

. . . flies give up their light on my crumpled bed

Did you mean flames/are lit here:

my love stars point
daggers draw tears of
blood flame of the forest
are lit the moon burns I smell

I got a bit lost in this stanza too:

. . . dragons
wait with baited breath
to torch the fields with crimson
lake forked tongues of lightning strike

Perhaps drop one modifer from "crimson/lake foked tongues of lightning strike"?

I like the way this stanza ends with tongue-in-cheek humor:

ah thank god you’re here with my drink!

Love the ending too:

beautiful to hold eternity in
a glass half empty and infinity in an ice cube melting...

This has the feel of a deliberately melodramatic bedroom romp and is fun to read. Thanks for posting!


 
 


 

Aug/17/2012, 9:07 am Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
queenfisher Profile
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Re: Monsoon Beat


hi christine

thanks for reading - glad you enjoyed!

thanks for pointing out those songs with refrain - baby it's cold outside - i think perhaps is bob dylan - if i remember rightly.

about the shape - wish i wasn't so technically challenged - would have loved to experiment different shapes - have seen some amazing ones on the net!
Aug/20/2012, 12:45 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
queenfisher Profile
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Re: Monsoon Beat


dear katlin

this was composed at my farm where i got completely rained out - have just returned from another short trip & again it rained quite a bit.

it's completely over the top! & i'm not surprised at your confusion - i agree there's too much of it! too many adjectives / adverbs / modifiers / similies / metaphors etc etc

it's a massive downpour! if i could make it look like one i would be very happy! but i just chose this format as it was easier for me - & as i'm written summer in the same style - i thought perhaps i could do all the seasons using the same format.

i will eventually pare it off & try not to go so overboard with all the adjectives etc.

flame of the forest is the name of a tree with fiery orange / red flowers - that look like flames burning - perhaps it should be - flames of the forest are lit - & not the singular.

crimson lake - is an oil-paint color - like purple madder, sap green, burnt sienna etc.
when i'm at the farm i paint a lot - oil on canvas & hence the refrence. you're right about the line breaks - crimson lake - should have come in the same line - for it not to be confusing - esp. as there are no punctuations.

thanks for the close read - i really like your definition of the poem :
a deliberately melodramatic bedroom romp!
glad it was fun!
Aug/20/2012, 1:05 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: Monsoon Beat


Hey Queen,

Thanks for the explanation about the oil paint colors. Now I get what you were saying/doing with those descriptive words. Yeah, I think moving lake up with crimson would help, and perhaps adding an "and" or "&" between metallic blue "and" purple madder would also help in lieu of punctuation. But then again, that would probably mess up your line breaks, so I don't know.

Thanks, too, for the reminder about the flame of the forest treees. I had forgotten about them! Even though it caused me to stumble, I can now see that the way you have it is correct, given the context.

Last edited by Katlin, Aug/20/2012, 9:02 am
Aug/20/2012, 8:59 am Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
Zakzzz5 Profile
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Re: Monsoon Beat


queenfisher,

Really liked this. I have no problem with the inverted syntax you sometimes use. I've learned to read this type of poetry over the last thirty years or so. Modern or Postmodern poetry will often require us to read a whole section, or at least a whole sentence before announcing to ourselves what it might mean or want to say. Anyway, that's how I read it, and enjoyed it. For some reason, I didn't delve deeply into the symbols or to what it might mean. I seemed to take it as it was.

I'm glad you wrote this; I had been wondering why there is so little love poetry in our era. Zak

quote:

queenfisher wrote:

Don’t go
not tonight
my love the clouds
are high strung the earth
is burnt sienna and dark umber
sap green leaves unfold with envy
moths with viridian eyes on their wings
blind themselves to death florescent insects
in metallic blue purple madder mourn in hysterical
pitch fire flies give up their light on my crumpled bed.

Don’t go
not tonight
my love stars point
daggers draw tears of
blood flame of the forest
are lit the moon burns I smell
flesh singe an icy fist closes around
my heart the river is dark with deceptive
comfort a black-hole lurks in our backyard
asteroids are waiting to hit martian crabs scuttle
in spaceships frogs croak with pompous self-belief.

Don’t go
not tonight
my love dragons
wait with baited breath
to torch the fields with crimson
lake forked tongues of lightning strike
to lick the wounds of ancient rocks that look
like inca ruins the night is draped in dracula’s cloak
the rain stabs my throat with sharp pointed teeth that
glint like knives ah thank god you’re here with my drink!

Don’t go
not tonight
my love the bridge
over troubled waters
will lay you down branches
large as cleopatra’s barge race
to their doom why should I not stop
you life gets up and walks away when you
leave relax I’m only leaving tomorrow morning
cheers clink sip sigh beautiful to hold eternity in
a glass half empty and infinity in an ice cube melting...






Aug/23/2012, 1:11 pm Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
arkava Profile
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Re: Monsoon Beat


echoing the other thoughts here, playful and well-executed. enjoyed!-arka
Aug/25/2012, 3:20 am Link to this post Send Email to arkava   Send PM to arkava Blog
 
queenfisher Profile
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Re: Monsoon Beat


dear zak

thanks for liking - taking it as it is - & enjoying! as tere said - couldn't get better!

you did well by not delving deeply into any symbols - & what it might mean! that makes me smile! glad you caught the spirit that was merely trying to go off her rocker!

hmmmm...about people not writing many love poems in our era...but sometimes i feel all poems are love poems!!

i've written some crazy ones...which i shall proceed to post one by one!

thanks very much for your very encouraging & motivating comments - i shall pull out all those crazy poems now! hoping you take it as it comes & enjoy!
Aug/27/2012, 11:31 pm Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
queenfisher Profile
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Re: Monsoon Beat


thanks arka - glad you enjoyed!
Aug/27/2012, 11:33 pm Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: Monsoon Beat


Hey queenfisher,

Looking forward to your crazy love poems. Bring 'em on! emoticon
Sep/3/2012, 8:03 am Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
queenfisher Profile
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Re: Monsoon Beat


dear katlin

sorry for the delay! have been busy

will get on the job - right away & see if i can post one today!
Sep/14/2012, 3:31 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
mojave1959 Profile
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Re: Monsoon Beat


Queenfisher---

sure liked the openng flood of colors, i suppose the lines are almost over the top, but you stopped short---great for the poem and for this reader.

i particularly enjoyed:


the earth
is burnt sienna and dark umber
sap green leaves unfold with envy



alas, melodrama replaces the heartfelt originality of the open:



daggers draw tears of
blood flame of the forest


yipes!


take the imagery that follows in this verse to a nunnery, seek forgiveness from the poetry gods.

he imagery

Don’t go
not tonight
my love stars point
are lit the moon burns I smell
flesh singe an icy fist closes around
my heart the river is dark with deceptive
comfort a black-hole lurks in our backyard
asteroids are waiting to hit martian crabs scuttle
in spaceships frogs croak with pompous self-belief.




and forked tongues....haven't heard that since tonto passed away.

Don’t go
not tonight
my love dragons
wait with baited breath
to torch the fields with crimson
lake forked tongues of lightning strike
to lick the wounds of ancient rocks that look
like inca ruins the night is draped in dracula’s cloak
the rain stabs my throat with sharp pointed teeth that
glint like knives ah thank god you’re here with my drink!


incas and dracula---glint like knives, sounds like the drink that arrives in the last line, shaken not stirred.

The sunburnt terraces which swans make home
with water purling, Macchu Pichu died
like Delphi long ago

—Berryman



and you didn't, but you did---


my love the bridge
over troubled waters


your companion is justified in clearing out on the basis of excessive cliche...LOL

but here, such clear and poignant statement:


in an ice cube melting...



the core poem and idea i like very much, why try the patience of a sympathetic reader?


mojave

Sep/29/2012, 10:04 am Link to this post Send Email to mojave1959   Send PM to mojave1959 Blog
 
queenfisher Profile
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Re: Monsoon Beat


hi mojave

yes it is pretty yikes! must reduce to 2 stanzas at best - worst 3.

might ask forgiveness but not for martian crabs & frogs!

neither to the nunnery go! never listen to male chauvinists!

as for my companion - i'm stuck! never cleared out!

i love forked - don't writers write with forked tongues?

but seriously lots of stuff needs to go!

thanks

Oct/3/2012, 2:27 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: Monsoon Beat


What a very good poem. The naivety, lack of self-consciousness in a lover's honest plaint, is what works most for me. And then the surprise, denouement, when reader learns of the speaker's pending departure. It can mean anything I suppose. But the lyrical voice is strong.

If I have a qualm, some degree of contrivance in line-image creeps in towards the end.

Tere
Oct/13/2012, 10:21 am Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
vkp Profile
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Re: Monsoon Beat


I love it. I love the imagery, the colors, the verbs, the rhythms (partly created -- maybe-- by the contrivance of shape, but somehow the sound of this poem works hugely for me), the humor, the universality of a moment. The vivid specificity of everything here is what makes it universal. So many writers don't get that. This poem proves it soundly, if it needed proving. Thank you so much for this.

Nit picks: fluorescent is, I think, how that word is spelled, and I'd make firefly one word to avoid a hiccup there.

Brava.
vkp
Oct/14/2012, 9:37 am Link to this post Send Email to vkp   Send PM to vkp Blog
 
queenfisher Profile
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Re: Monsoon Beat


dear tere

thanks for enjoying the poem!

i will pare it off - as i should!


dear vkp

thanks a lot - i'm so so happy you loved it!
very encouraging comments vkp - huge thanks! keeps me going! there's another over the top - totally overboard - love poem - also pretty long - which i enjoyed writing immensly - have been meaning to pare it down before posting- never got around it - maybe i could just post it the way it is & revise later - i like for people to enjoy reading - gives me great pleasure!

thank you so much!
Oct/26/2012, 1:00 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 


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