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arkava Profile
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this is where i start leaving out lines so you understand where i am

           coming from with gusts of “speech assimilated during

sleep”

between you and me is

         a sky w/o inspiration—morning talc and

mountains dropping off—the flowering afterimages on the street

dubbing.................................. —as a second thought everything

troubles me

           .......image trailing exposure

           .......................“often so tenuous that open eyes drive it away”

 
“the more we appreciate our present psychological state of sleep, the more we
appreciate our present psychological state of sleep, the more we appreciate our
present psychological state of sleep, the more we appreciate our present
psychological state of sleep, the more we appreciate our present psychological
state of sleep, the more we appreciate our present psychological state of sleep,
the more we appreciate our present psychological state of sleep, the more we
appreciate our present psychological state of sleep, the more we appreciate our
present psychological state of sleep, the more we appreciate our present
psychological state of sleep, the more we appreciate our present psychological
state of sleep, the more we appreciate our present psychological state of sleep,”
 

           ................................... the habit-energy of karma

Last edited by arkava, Aug/26/2012, 8:43 pm
Aug/25/2012, 2:35 am Link to this post Send Email to arkava   Send PM to arkava Blog
 
Christine98 Profile
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I love this, arka. It can't be paraphrased or even commented upon: "so tenuous that open eyes drive it away" The block of repeating lines at the bottom. This is stunning.

Chris
Aug/26/2012, 8:59 am Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
arkava Profile
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hey thanks Chris! the best part was when i typed this on word the first time round, i did not consciously count/decide on the number of repetitions and did the lineation in the text block just to ensure the lines stay within the page. but it turned out the mesg got repeated by takin the sentence fragments at the end of each line togetehr.(noticed this when i copy pasted the text here) what can i say i was happy that it wasn't contrived.

thanks emoticon
arka
Aug/26/2012, 8:05 pm Link to this post Send Email to arkava   Send PM to arkava Blog
 
queenfisher Profile
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dear arka

the repititions are very hypnotic!

like: gusts of speech assimilated during sleep - & the thought that everything troubles me! also the concept about leaving lines - so you understand where i am - like the format & the gaps are very effective

           .......image trailing exposure

           .......................“often so tenuous that open eyes drive it away”

the gaps & spaces speak for themselves.

great style!
Aug/27/2012, 11:41 pm Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
arkava Profile
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hey. thanks so much queenfisher. emoticon this was one of those times i just had to indent.you know the feeling.glad you liked this!!

arka
Sep/1/2012, 3:47 am Link to this post Send Email to arkava   Send PM to arkava Blog
 
Katlin Profile
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Hi arka,

This poem is immediate and intimate, starting as it does in the midst of a conversation "between you and me" but neither the immediacy nor the intimacy feels forced.

I like the way the first reference to "sleep" and to "open eyes" seems straightforward until the R gets to the repeated references to "our present psychological state of sleep." The total effect of this subtle shift in emphasis works to reinforce the often dream-like quality inherent in much of waking life, especially when habit-energy of any type is involved. I also like the way a number of the lines can be read in multiple ways due to the line breaks you've employed. All of this is quietly and gently done and done well.

I love the language and imagery of:

morning talc
mountains dropping off
flowering afterimages
as a second thought everything/troubles me

Your previous poem evoked the sense of shifting sands, and I find this poem captures something just as tenuous, a shimmering tentativeness. . . .
 

 
Sep/2/2012, 1:35 pm Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
arkava Profile
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quote:

Hi arka,

This poem is immediate and intimate, starting as it does in the midst of a conversation "between you and me" but neither the immediacy nor the intimacy feels forced.

I like the way the first reference to "sleep" and to "open eyes" seems straightforward until the R gets to the repeated references to "our present psychological state of sleep." The total effect of this subtle shift in emphasis works to reinforce the often dream-like quality inherent in much of waking life, especially when habit-energy of any type is involved. I also like the way a number of the lines can be read in multiple ways due to the line breaks you've employed. All of this is quietly and gently done and done well.

I love the language and imagery of:

morning talc
mountains dropping off
flowering afterimages
as a second thought everything/troubles me

Your previous poem evoked the sense of shifting sands, and I find this poem captures something just as tenuous, a shimmering tentativeness. . .



very grateful for the close read kat :-)) it started out as somethin between a half formed conversation and a dream. the repeated line i picked up from this old collection of studies on altered states of consciousness. after reading your comment about this as an extension of the previous post i went bck and wonderfully there's "between you and me" again. wonderful not because it's good or not good but it's like i recorded that voice in my head.
thanks emoticon
arka
Sep/6/2012, 8:05 am Link to this post Send Email to arkava   Send PM to arkava Blog
 
sambyfield Profile
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Howdy Arkava

this is good stuff - the first line is just perfect and everything after that keeps me hooked. I'd get rid of the block at the end, though, and the karma line - the poem before that stands alone. If you wish to publish it send it to Tammy at Cha- i think there's a sensibility here that'd be right at home there.
http://asiancha.com/

sam

quote:

arkava wrote:

this is where i start leaving out lines so you understand where i am

           coming from with gusts of “speech assimilated during

sleep”

between you and me is

         a sky w/o inspiration—morning talc and

mountains dropping off—the flowering afterimages on the street

dubbing.................................. —as a second thought everything

troubles me

           .......image trailing exposure

           .......................“often so tenuous that open eyes drive it away”

 
“the more we appreciate our present psychological state of sleep, the more we
appreciate our present psychological state of sleep, the more we appreciate our
present psychological state of sleep, the more we appreciate our present
psychological state of sleep, the more we appreciate our present psychological
state of sleep, the more we appreciate our present psychological state of sleep,
the more we appreciate our present psychological state of sleep, the more we
appreciate our present psychological state of sleep, the more we appreciate our
present psychological state of sleep, the more we appreciate our present
psychological state of sleep, the more we appreciate our present psychological
state of sleep, the more we appreciate our present psychological state of sleep,”
 

           ................................... the habit-energy of karma



Sep/14/2012, 3:46 am Link to this post Send Email to sambyfield   Send PM to sambyfield
 
arkava Profile
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Hey Sam, thanks so much for the read. i'll send it along to cha then. but not letting go of the text block/habit energy though. no wonder i can never get close to nirvana. emoticon-arka
Sep/14/2012, 8:20 am Link to this post Send Email to arkava   Send PM to arkava Blog
 
Terreson Profile
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I must agree with Sam. Poem's energy in first portion, before the block of repitition. If anything I would end with "the more we appreciate our present psychological state of sleep, the more we appreciate our present psychological state of sleep." In other words, one repeat. There is humor there.

Tere
Oct/13/2012, 9:55 am Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 


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