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Harvesting Moonlight


Harvesting Moonlight
 
 
Today the dark approaches, loosens veils of entropy.
Pixel colors whisper, hum of trails diminishing.
Lumbering, tales sweaty from slumber sweep
crumbling crusts, twigs and dust,
unencumber twinkling.
Luscious Moon, brilliant, rises
like a sacred flower unbinds, radiant,
smiling indulgence.
Celestial song, deep-breath effulgence,
wise spirit. All we who hear it open our wings.
This night we fly over poignant fields of work requited,
imbibe euphorious mystery of peace. Sweet day’s release,
rewards of harvest, ritual feast of play.
Uproarious dance with moonlight; voice, arms, lift
in embrace so strong, complete.
 
 
 
September 29, 2012

---------------------------


Harvesting Moonlight


Today the dark approaches, loosens webs of

entropy.
Pixel colors whisper, humming trails

diminishing.
Lumbering, tales sweaty from slumber sweep
bits of crumbling twigs and dust,
unencumber twinkling.
Luscious Moon, brilliant, rises
like a sacred flower unbinds, radiant,
smiling indulgence.
Inspires song, deep-breath effulgence,
wise spirit. All we who hear it open our wings.
This night we fly over fields of work requited,

rewards of harvest,
imbibe euphorious mystery of peace. Sweet

day’s release,
ritual feast of play.
Uproarious dance with moonlight; voice,

arms, lift
in embrace so strong, complete.



September 28, 2012

Last edited by libramoon, Sep/30/2012, 4:39 pm
Sep/28/2012, 3:43 pm Link to this post Send Email to libramoon   Send PM to libramoon Blog
 
vkp Profile
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Moonlight


Libra: I just saw this pop up as I went onto the forum! Thank you.... Here are my spontaneous thoughts.

quote:

Today the dark approaches, loosens webs of

entropy.

This seems so very abstract – loosens webs – great start, but when I read “of entropy” I felt let down because it was not something I could grab onto. Loosens webs of light, maybe, or webs of light loosen as dark approaches. I don’t usually suggest – but that is where I thought it was going!
quote:

Pixel colors whisper, humming trails

diminishing.

I'm thinking to keep the parallel feel of the verbs, it would sound better if it were: Pixel colors whisper, humming trails/diminish. I can see how the coming of dark would make trails dim. I've been in the woods as darkness falls and the paths dwindle into uniform blackness... until the moon rise!


quote:

Lumbering, tales sweaty from slumber sweep
bits of crumbling twigs and dust,
unencumber twinkling.

Had questions that stopped me here. Do you mean "tails" which I can imagine being sweaty more than "tales" but not sure. I am also not sure what you mean by "unencumber twinkling"? Is twinkling what is being unendumbered? I've never heard that verb being used that way! Usually reflexive, I think. But this is cool. Not sure how to unencumber twinkling though. Just got stuck there. Sorry!
quote:

Luscious Moon, brilliant, rises
like a sacred flower unbinds, radiant,
smiling indulgence.
Inspires song, deep-breath effulgence,
wise spirit. All we who hear it open our wings.

Love this paean to the moon. The sacred flower, the smiling indulgence. (My son as a toddler would watch the rising moon from his swing and tell me "She's watching me" and once, "She is smiling at me." Such a benevolent celestial body.)
quote:

This night we fly over fields of work requited,

rewards of harvest,
imbibe euphorious mystery of peace.

These last lines I can't sink my teeth into -- not sure what is happening.
quote:

Sweet

day’s release,
ritual feast of play.
Uproarious dance with moonlight; voice,

arms, lift
in embrace so strong, complete.

Strong ending.

So much great stuff here. I am very excited about this -- I love moon poems!



September 28, 2012
Sep/28/2012, 3:57 pm Link to this post Send Email to vkp   Send PM to vkp Blog
 
Zakzzz5 Profile
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Re: Harvesting Moonlight


Libra,

Do you think of the moon as male or female? In any case, when you said "luscious moon" I got the image of a female moon; that's why I asked. I suppose a woman could think of a luscious man, but it's more rare?

I would have preferred it if you had worked to develop one strong, coherent image. I didn't get that feeling. You've got a lot of strong adjectives, maybe too many. Also, you might think about finding an alternative to "fields of work" and "fields of play." Not only have you reached back to an image that was popular during the romantic period, but you have borrowed their devices. Do you want to do that?

I was left wondering about the character, social position, even the gender of the observer. Maybe I'm asking too much of the poem. Probably so. Zak



 b]libramoon wrote:

Harvesting Moonlight (take two)


Today the dark approaches, loosens veils of entropy. [NOT SURE HOW YOU'RE USING ENTROPY HERE]
Pixel colors whisper, hum of trails diminishing. [DIMINISHING AS IN THE TAIL OF A COMET?]
Lumbering, tales sweaty from slumber sweep
bits of crumbling twigs and dust,
unencumber twinkling. [NOW IT'S ON A HUMAN SCALE]
Luscious Moon, brilliant, rises
like a sacred flower unbinds, radiant,
smiling indulgence. [FINALLY I GOT THE IDEA OF HARVESTING MOONLIGHT]
Celestial song, deep-breath effulgence,
wise spirit. All we who hear it open our wings.
This night we fly over fields of work requited, rewards of harvest,
imbibe euphorious mystery of peace. Sweet day’s release,
ritual feast of play. ["FEAST OF PLAY" SEEMS OVERLY PACKED, KIND OF VICTORIAN]
Uproarious dance with moonlight; voice, arms, lift
in embrace so strong, complete.

---------------------------


Harvesting Moonlight


Today the dark approaches, loosens webs of

entropy.
Pixel colors whisper, humming trails

diminishing.
Lumbering, tales sweaty from slumber sweep
bits of crumbling twigs and dust,
unencumber twinkling.
Luscious Moon, brilliant, rises
like a sacred flower unbinds, radiant,
smiling indulgence.
Inspires song, deep-breath effulgence,
wise spirit. All we who hear it open our wings.
This night we fly over fields of work requited,

rewards of harvest,
imbibe euphorious mystery of peace. Sweet

day’s release,
ritual feast of play.
Uproarious dance with moonlight; voice,

arms, lift
in embrace so strong, complete.



September 28, 2012



Sep/29/2012, 12:42 pm Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
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Re: Harvesting Moonlight


Thanks so much for these two responses, which show considerable thought and time from each of you. I hope you enjoy the poem as it has become, a devotional to the Harvest Moon.
Sep/30/2012, 4:44 pm Link to this post Send Email to libramoon   Send PM to libramoon Blog
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: Harvesting Moonlight


hi libra,

Engaging title. I prefer the line and stanza breaks in the original version of this poem and wondered why you changed them? I like the way the first version looks and reads on the page, because it is less conventional, less condensed and seems to suit the subject more. Or perhaps a compromise combination of both versions might work better?

You know me and my one word tweak suggestions. Here's one that comes to mind:

Luscious Moon, brilliant, rises
like a sacred flower unbound, radiant,
smiling indulgence.

Also, I like "webs of entropy" better than "veils" because webs feels like something one can get caught up/trapped in.

The poem does make me to want to follow the moonlight, build a bonfire, go outside some chilly autumn night and play. emoticon

Last edited by Katlin, Oct/8/2012, 7:53 am
Oct/7/2012, 9:54 am Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
libramoon Profile
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Re: Harvesting Moonlight


Thanks, Kat. I changed the line breaks for convenience as I sent this piece to a variety of groups and networks.

I did keep going back and forth between "webs" and "veils". Ultimately, the vision painted looked more like a flimsy layering of veil than a web; but I could probably still be convinced otherwise.
Oct/7/2012, 2:42 pm Link to this post Send Email to libramoon   Send PM to libramoon Blog
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: Harvesting Moonlight


Language throwing interference for me. What is a veil of entropy? Not something my senses can attest to. Pixel as image not carrying over for me. Euphorious, uproarious, unrequited, effulgence...again, not connecting me in my body to much of anything, certainly not to the moon.

Tere
Oct/13/2012, 11:06 am Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 


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