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mojave1959 Profile
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Heart with no Permanent Address


The sun has slipped the ecliptic
igniting yellow banners across
our roofs and flooding the windows
with daylight.

The car is hot by 9 o’clock.
I return my son to his mother.
He sticks his nose out the window
like a dog.

The tugging book bag;
ragged sweet roll.
Jacket tied at his waist
like a drowning man.

Last night we did backyard astronomy,
our Schmidt-Cassegrains pointed
at faint Spica shy as a heavy girl.

Cocoa on his upper lip reminding me
of his mother.

Love’s melancholy nomenclature
illuminated like a sailor’s tattoo.


Last edited by mojave1959, Oct/5/2012, 11:23 am
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Christine98 Profile
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Re: The Heart with no Known Permanent Address


hey mojave,

Welcome! Just a fly-by from me as I'm having
mucho computer headaches. Just to say it's good to see you here, hope your taking a leisurely look around and making yourself comfortable,

Chris
Sep/29/2012, 2:02 pm Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
pastel Profile
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Re: The Heart with no Known Permanent Address


Bernie,

a great atmospheric poem, which I couldn't resist fiddling with:

The Heart with no Known Permanent Address

The sun slips
yellow banners across
our roofs, flooding windows
with daylight.

The car is hot by 9 o’clock.
I return the hostage to his mother.
He sticks his right thumb out the window
like a dog's nose.

The tugging tog bag;
ragged sweat band.
Tracksuit tied at his waist
like an exhausted athlete.

Last night we ate fish & chips
wrapped in a front page
of the Edinburgh Times.

Bournville Cocoa on his upper lip
reminding me that I needed
to change my colostomy bag.

Love’s melancholy nomenclature
illuminating
like a prisoner’s tattoo.


Use or lose.

Bye Bye Bernie.
Sep/30/2012, 3:23 am Link to this post Send Email to pastel   Send PM to pastel
 
libramoon Profile
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Re: The Heart with no Known Permanent Address


"Love’s melancholy nomenclature" indeed.
This chills me like a sudden cloud in a warm sky of sunlight, when the cloud observed is a brief skit of fairy kings and fields of gold.
Sep/30/2012, 3:00 pm Link to this post Send Email to libramoon   Send PM to libramoon Blog
 
mojave1959 Profile
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Re: The Heart with no Known Permanent Address


C---


thanks for the comment, stop back anytime.


Pastel---


i like the compression you suggest.

as you know, in the US fish and chips is like a hamburger and fries from macdonalds.

the reference to Bournville Cocoa---

i would like to save for a second poem---a stuffy man likes the idea of african hands becoming even blacker as his cocoa beans are threaded into bitter Bournvilles.

now that colostomy bag---you made me laugh.

I also liked the front page of the Edinburgh Times---but will use it to lampoon my stuffy dilettante who is only interested in the shipping channel weather report and the maritime embarkations from Glasgow.
thanks again.

bernie




 

Last edited by mojave1959, Oct/1/2012, 2:46 pm
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Zakzzz5 Profile
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Re: The Heart with no Known Permanent Address


mojave (which Bernie?),

Good job. See notes. Zak

]mojave1959 wrote:

The sun has slipped the ecliptic [Not being astronomy-oriented, I had to see how this word "ecliptic" related to "eclipse"]
igniting yellow banners across
our roofs and flooding the windows
with daylight. [This is all very visual, very good]

The car is hot by 9 o’clock.
I return my son to his mother.
He sticks his nose out the window
like a dog.[It's refreshing to see punctuation. Interesting use of the senses: hot car, tactile touch of the nose on the car window -- all this added to the visual.]

The tugging book bag;
ragged sweet role.
Jacket tied at his waist
like a drowning man. [Good images. Do you mean "sweet roll" or do you really mean he is playing a role?]

Last night we did backyard astronomy,
our Schmidt-Cassegrains pointed
at faint Spica shy as a heavy girl.

Cocoa on his upper lip reminding me
of his mother. [I get the image of a youngish man with a young child, probably has the kid for the weekend from his divorced wife. Melancholy is the right word, but rather ambiguous.]

Love’s melancholy nomenclature
illuminated like a sailor’s tattoo. [The effort here is good because, at least to my mind, I get an image of astronomy -- you know, the night sky -- superimposed on the tattoo.]



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Christine98 Profile
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Re: The Heart with no Known Permanent Address


hi Bernie,

I appreciate the atmosphere as others have but
found myself distracted by too many mismatched similes:

like a dog
like a drowning man
as a heavy girl
like a sailor's tattoo


Dunno, Bernie, it's just too much. I'm trying to glean how all of these images relate to the title, to one another or the general sense of unfit or impermanence...and they're not coming together for me.

Poem read smoothly for me through S3; then began to grate. I don't know if the individual similes stopped working for me at that point or the sheer number of them (each presenting a strong association) in such short order was the problem. fwiw, the sailor's tattoo is my least favorite.

cheers,

Chris



Last edited by Christine98, Oct/5/2012, 8:59 am
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mojave1959 Profile
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Re: The Heart with no Permanent Address


Chris---

thanks for the clear and thoughtful response. here is my first revision:


The sun has slipped the ecliptic
igniting yellow banners across
our roofs and flooding the windows
with daylight.

The car is hot by 9 o’clock.
I return my son to his mother.
He sticks his nose out the window
like a dog.

Ragged sweet roll;
cocoa on the upper lip;
jacket tied off at the waist.

Last night
we did backyard astronomy,
our Schmidt-Cassegrains pointed
at faint Spica shy as a heavy girl.

His teacher wants a word
this afternoon about his grades.
At that age they could have taught
me anything.

Love’s melancholy voice
spoken in an empty room.



bernie

Last edited by mojave1959, Oct/5/2012, 10:50 am
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Katlin Profile
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Re: The Heart with no Known Permanent Address


Hi Bernie,

Yes, to the revision being an improvement over the original. Especially glad you dropped "like a drowning man" which I felt was over the top. Come to think of it, I like what you've done with all of S3. Enjoyed "ragged sweet roll." Won't have thought to use that adjective myself but it's just right.

A few tweaks for you to consider (or not):

drop "The" from the title

drop "about his grades" from S5

drop "voice" in the last stanza

Poem reads as the portrait of two lives conveyed with a few deft strokes. Thanks for posting, Bernie.
  
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mojave1959 Profile
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Re: Heart with no Permanent Address


hi K---


delicious. here is my second revision:


The sun slips the ecliptic
igniting yellow banners across
our roofs and flooding the windows
with daylight.

The car is hot by 9 o’clock.
I return my son to his mother.
He sticks his nose out the window
like a dog.

Ragged sweet roll;
cocoa on the upper lip;
jacket tied off at the waist.

Last night
we did backyard astronomy,
our Schmidt-Cassegrains pointed
at faint Spica shy as a heavy girl.

His teacher wants a word
this afternoon. At that age
they could have taught me anything.

Love’s melancholy voice in corridors
and empty rooms.



thanks so much. still, working on this so any further mods greatly appreciated.

bernie



Last edited by mojave1959, Oct/5/2012, 11:27 am
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Christine98 Profile
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Re: Heart with no Permanent Address


hey Bernie,

Big thumbs up on the edits...I'm with Libra re:
"loves melancholy nomenclature." How about that for the last line?

Chris
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pastel Profile
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Re: Heart with no Permanent Address


Bernie,

You don't seem to be making too much progress. A further workshop suggestion:


Heart of a Currency Trader with no Permanent Address

The sun slips the ecliptic
igniting yellow banners across
roofs and flooding windows
with daylight.

The ambulance is hot by 9 o’clock.
My mother squeezes my hand
when the Dodge stalls at the intersection
and backfires: the timing is out.
 
Ragged sweat roll;
dried mucous on my cheek;
gown bulging with longing
like a heavy girl.

My teacher wanted a word
this afternoon. At this age
they were unable to teach me
anything.

Love’s melancholy voice in empty rooms
reverberates through my hearing aid
as the wheelchair squeaks
over shimmering corridor floors
in ICU.
Oct/5/2012, 2:37 pm Link to this post Send Email to pastel   Send PM to pastel
 
mojave1959 Profile
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Re: Heart with no Permanent Address


Pastel---


what a rascal, you make me laugh----



Love’s melancholy voice in empty rooms
reverberates through my hearing aid
as the wheelchair squeaks
over shimmering corridor floors
in ICU.






bernie

Last edited by mojave1959, Oct/5/2012, 4:01 pm
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mojave1959 Profile
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Re: Heart with no Permanent Address


C---


well, i love love's melancholy nomenclature.


so i need no encouragement...LOL.

The sun slips the ecliptic
igniting yellow banners across
our roofs and flooding the windows
with daylight.

The car is hot by 9 o’clock.
I return my son to his mother.
He sticks his nose out the window
like a dog.

Ragged sweet roll;
cocoa on the upper lip;
jacket tied off at the waist.

Last night
we did backyard astronomy,
our Schmidt-Cassegrains pointed
at faint Spica shy as a heavy girl.

His teacher wants a word this afternoon.
At that age they could have taught me anything.

Love’s melancholy nomenclature.


it might not be evident from this poem, but i also love lines unemcumbered with clauses and run-on images---in fast with a striking declarative, a provocative image and allow the reader time to use his/her intelligence to accept or reject.


thanks again.

bernie



Last edited by mojave1959, Oct/5/2012, 4:19 pm
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pastel Profile
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Re: Heart with no Permanent Address


Bernie,

Forgive me. I couldn't resist more fiddling:

Heart of a Currency Trader on Parole
with no Permanent Address


The sun has slipped the ecliptic
igniting yellow banners across
our roofs and flooding the windows
with daylight.

The car is hot by 9 o’clock.
My father returns me to the single room apart-
ment, my mother furnished for me.
I roll down a window overlooking a dumpster
stick my nose in the air
like Pinocchio on steroids.

The tugging book bag; prison-washed
white shirt and flannel trousers.
My threadbare alumni tie hanging
from a blazer pocket
like a leash.

Last night from the fire-escape steps
I did backyard astronomy with an old cellmate.
the Schmidt-Cassegrains had been dropped,
the lens shattered. A blonde teenage girl
giggled at us, from an upstairs window.

Cocoa on my father’s upper lip reminding me
of the upset I’d caused my family.

Love’s melancholy nomenclature
illuminated like a prison tattoo.


Last edited by pastel, Oct/6/2012, 8:13 am
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Katlin Profile
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Re: Heart with no Permanent Address


Pastel,

Bernie has been a good sport about your so-called humorous rewrites, but enough is enough. If you want to offer critiques in a respectful, helpful manner, please do so. If not, please move on. Your trollish behavior is tiresome and will not be tolerated on DM. Capiche?
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pastel Profile
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Re: Heart with no Permanent Address


quote:

Katlin wrote:

Pastel,

Bernie has been a good sport about your so-called humorous rewrites, but enough is enough. If you want to offer critiques in a respectful, helpful manner, please do so. If not, please move on. Your trollish behavior is tiresome and will not be tolerated on DM. Capiche?




Katlin, Bernie has ripped up enough of my poems in the past, offering "so called" agenda motivated critique, and incidentally, so did you with my last post here about a year ago, where you "failed" to see a connecting theme... even though the whole poem exuded references. Whereupon, I requested you to delete my name from your membership list... which you have failed to do.

So, please, don't lecture me on "trollish" behavior. If you want to ban me, be my guest. Please go ahead...

Capiche?

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Katlin Profile
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Re: Heart with no Permanent Address


Pastel,

I have removed you from the membership list.

Last edited by Katlin, Oct/6/2012, 12:20 pm
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Re: Heart with no Permanent Address


Hi Bernie,

I like the latest revision of this poem very much. I didn't actually cotton to "Love’s melancholy nomenclature" in the original, but I like it now sans the prisoner's tattoo. Fun to watch the poem come to life and strengthen throughout the various rewrites.

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Re: Heart with no Permanent Address


Poem's strength is in its lyrical voice. Poem's weakness is in its deliberate(?) distancing from its subject and the moment. In original the distancing is effected in the language. In the revision the same is effected in its terseness. Maybe too much of the head, not enough of the heart. That said, there are lines I wish I had gotten to first.

Tere
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Re: Heart with no Permanent Address


I'm glad I read through all the posts to see the revisions you made, Mojave. I like this poem very much.
quote:

The sun slips the ecliptic
igniting yellow banners across
our roofs and flooding the windows
with daylight.

I love the imagery here. But in this opening, I am stopped -- the lack of punctuation after "ecliptic" makes the verb "slips" the primary verb (as I read it) and thus when I get to "flooding" I don't refer back to "igniting" but "slips" -- and it does not seem like consistent verb usage. When I reread I get it -- Ah, igniting and flooding go together. Solved with a comma after ecliptic. You do use punc in the rest of the poem, so maybe not such a big deal to add a comma there?

quote:

The car is hot by 9 o’clock.
I return my son to his mother.
He sticks his nose out the window
like a dog.

This is an excellent snapshot and says so much about a a child's desire to be with his father a moment longer, without a shred of sentimentality.

quote:

Ragged sweet roll;
cocoa on the upper lip;
jacket tied off at the waist.


I'm glad you took the drowning man reference out. As it is now, an exact snapshot.

quote:

Last night
we did backyard astronomy,
our Schmidt-Cassegrains pointed
at faint Spica shy as a heavy girl.

"...shy as a heavy girl" -- tender observation, good choice in language (heavy is gentle and true).

quote:

His teacher wants a word this afternoon.
At that age they could have taught me anything.

I am not sure I'm getting this. It almost feels like a veiled criticism of the N's son. As if the N. is wondering why the teacher wants a word -- after all, when he was young (the N) they could have taught him anything.... But I'm not at all sure I'm reading this correctly. (?)

quote:

Love’s melancholy nomenclature.

Interesting close.

Thank you for this.
vkp




Last edited by vkp, Oct/14/2012, 1:59 pm
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