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libramoon Profile
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a quiet response


unquiet response


Is Insanity ever quiet?
Stars bursting within confined mind's
brilliant fire, catching curtains, igniting tapestries.
Scorched odor pervades;
crumbles crumple, a vast array of sand.

She takes his hand, follows vein cliffs
over warm comfort, over hills to memories
never properly embraced.
She was never a rock, craggy and inviting.
She was the windswept sea, daring to taste shore.
How dare he wander into sand and fire's remnants?

"Faith" flickers from mouth to sad, sad eyes.
He is lost.
She feels a scream of unwanted laughter form
like spittle, twisting from dry mouth to flooded eyes.


-------------------

a quiet response


Is Insanity ever quiet?
Stars bursting within mind's confines
brilliant fire, catching curtains and tapestries
scorched odor pervades
crumbles crumpled a vast array of sand.

She takes his hand, follows vein cliffs
over warm comfort, over hills to memories
never properly embraced.
She was never a rock, craggy and inviting.
She was the windswept sea, daring to taste

shore.
How dare he wander into sand and fire's

remnants?

"Faith" flickers from mouth to sad, sad eyes.
He is lost.
She feels a scream of unwanted laughter

form
like spittle, mouth to eyes.


Oct. 21, 2012

Last edited by libramoon, Nov/21/2012, 5:28 pm
Oct/21/2012, 8:25 pm Link to this post Send Email to libramoon   Send PM to libramoon Blog
 
vkp Profile
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Re: a quiet response


quote:

She takes his hand, follows vein cliffs
over warm comfort, over hills to memories
never properly embraced.
She was never a rock, craggy and inviting.
She was the windswept sea, daring to taste

shore.
How dare he wander into sand and fire's

remnants?

"Faith" flickers from mouth to sad, sad eyes.
He is lost.
She feels a scream of unwanted laughter

form
like spittle, mouth to eyes.




To me, Libra, the poem is in these lines, above. The prologue-like first five lines:
quote:

Is Insanity ever quiet?
Stars bursting within mind's confines
brilliant fire, catching curtains and tapestries
scorched odor pervades
crumbles crumpled a vast array of sand.


don't do what the rest of the poem does in spite of them. I find that I don't want to be told the word "insanity" but to follow the trail you lay out for me.

Not sure about your choices of line breaks etc. but that is not my specialty.

I like the idea of a rock being craggy and inviting -- the overturning of expectations!

The last three lines are chilling, very potent.
vkp
Oct/23/2012, 1:40 pm Link to this post Send Email to vkp   Send PM to vkp Blog
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: a quiet response


hi libra,

When I was a kid I was stricken with fits of excruciatingly inappropriate laughter...still am sometime, but much less often, thankfully.
I think your poem describes this phenomenon beautifully, really took me back.

I'm with vkp, much more engaged by the description of this surreal experience than by the labeling of it.

Chris
Oct/24/2012, 8:30 am Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
Zakzzz5 Profile
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Re: a quiet response


libramoon,

Good strong, vivid lines. I do wrestle with the narrative as it progresses. See my notes. Thanks for posting.

quote:

libramoon wrote:

a quiet response


Is Insanity ever quiet? [Great first line]
Stars bursting within mind's confines
brilliant fire, catching curtains and tapestries
scorched odor pervades
crumbles crumpled a vast array of sand.
 [I agree this section is quite good]
She takes his hand, follows vein cliffs
over warm comfort, over hills to memories
never properly embraced. [This becomes more conventionally descriptive, but I begin to wonder what the narrative is exactly]
She was never a rock, craggy and inviting.
She was the windswept sea, daring to taste

shore. [If you're going to use hills and "shore" in the narrative, then you might want to create a more concise physical image, a geography]
How dare he wander into sand and fire's

remnants? [I like "fire's remnants"]

"Faith" flickers from mouth to sad, sad eyes.
He is lost.
She feels a scream of unwanted laughter [I somehow lose the thread beginning with "Faith"]

form
like spittle, mouth to eyes.


Oct. 21, 2012



Oct/25/2012, 9:53 am Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
queenfisher Profile
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Re: a quiet response


to go by the title - the poem is anything but that!

it bursts in my mind's eye like a brilliant flash - like some of those pictures of the cosmos you see on apod!

excellent work libra!

Just some suggestions - please take what you will or discard entirely:

Stars burst within mind's confines
brilliant fire, catch curtains and tapestries

scorched odor pervades

a vast array of sand crumbles, crumpled
She takes his hand, follows vein cliffs
over warm comfort, over hills to memories
never properly embraced.

Never a rock, craggy and inviting
She was the windswept sea,
daring to taste shore.

How dare he wander into sand and fire's
remnants? "Faith" flickers from mouth to sad, sad eyes.

He is lost.

She feels a scream of unwanted laughter
form like spittle, mouth to eyes.





Oct/26/2012, 1:21 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: a quiet response


Hi libra,

I like the way this poem strains between the tension of many opposites. I am taken with the first line as a stand alone line, but like the greater conflict that is created when it is coupled with the title. I think one way to tie less descriptive part of the poem (at the beginning) together with the more descriptive part would be to play around with the stanza and line breaks somehow. I thought of this possibility after reading queenfisher's suggested revision. For example, this arrangement of lines strikes me as effective:

a vast array of sand crumbles, crumpled
She takes his hand, follows vein cliffs
over warm comfort, over hills to memories
never properly embraced.

Oct/27/2012, 11:34 am Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: a quiet response


An oddly uneven poem that ends up engaging me. Maybe the poem didn't know what it wanted of itself at first? First stanza strikes me after several readings. But poem proper, at least for me, starts with the second. There I become engaged and remain with it.

Tere
Oct/28/2012, 12:22 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
libramoon Profile
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Re: a quiet response


getting back to this
Nov/21/2012, 5:29 pm Link to this post Send Email to libramoon   Send PM to libramoon Blog
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: a quiet response


Hi libra,

I like the changes that you've made. The poem reads more cohesively to me now.
Nov/24/2012, 9:05 pm Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
36064 Profile
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Re: a quiet response


Libramoon---

i like the tumble of opening images:


Is Insanity ever quiet?
Stars bursting within mind's confines
brilliant fire, catching curtains and tapestries
scorched odor pervades
crumbles crumpled a vast array of sand.


however, these lines seemed romantic, but not vivid.


Never a rock, craggy and inviting
She was the windswept sea,
daring to taste shore.



i wonder what happens if the hysterical laughter is moved higher in the poem---so that the reader might worry about another outburst.

the newest version i liked best.


bernie





Nov/26/2012, 6:09 am Link to this post Send Email to 36064   Send PM to 36064 Blog
 


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