a quiet response https://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/t1985 Runboard| a quiet response en-us Thu, 28 Mar 2024 14:18:34 +0000 Thu, 28 Mar 2024 14:18:34 +0000 https://www.runboard.com/ rssfeeds_managingeditor@runboard.com (Runboard.com RSS feeds managing editor) rssfeeds_webmaster@runboard.com (Runboard.com RSS feeds webmaster) akBBS 60 Re: a quiet responsehttps://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p14055,from=rss#post14055https://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p14055,from=rss#post14055Libramoon--- i like the tumble of opening images: Is Insanity ever quiet? Stars bursting within mind's confines brilliant fire, catching curtains and tapestries scorched odor pervades crumbles crumpled a vast array of sand. however, these lines seemed romantic, but not vivid. Never a rock, craggy and inviting She was the windswept sea, daring to taste shore. i wonder what happens if the hysterical laughter is moved higher in the poem---so that the reader might worry about another outburst. the newest version i liked best. bernie nondisclosed_email@example.com (36064)Mon, 26 Nov 2012 06:09:32 +0000 Re: a quiet responsehttps://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p14037,from=rss#post14037https://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p14037,from=rss#post14037Hi libra, I like the changes that you've made. The poem reads more cohesively to me now.nondisclosed_email@example.com (Katlin)Sat, 24 Nov 2012 21:05:30 +0000 Re: a quiet responsehttps://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p14025,from=rss#post14025https://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p14025,from=rss#post14025getting back to thisnondisclosed_email@example.com (libramoon)Wed, 21 Nov 2012 17:29:31 +0000 Re: a quiet responsehttps://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p13886,from=rss#post13886https://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p13886,from=rss#post13886An oddly uneven poem that ends up engaging me. Maybe the poem didn't know what it wanted of itself at first? First stanza strikes me after several readings. But poem proper, at least for me, starts with the second. There I become engaged and remain with it. Terenondisclosed_email@example.com (Terreson)Sun, 28 Oct 2012 12:22:49 +0000 Re: a quiet responsehttps://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p13874,from=rss#post13874https://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p13874,from=rss#post13874Hi libra, I like the way this poem strains between the tension of many opposites. I am taken with the first line as a stand alone line, but like the greater conflict that is created when it is coupled with the title. I think one way to tie less descriptive part of the poem (at the beginning) together with the more descriptive part would be to play around with the stanza and line breaks somehow. I thought of this possibility after reading queenfisher's suggested revision. For example, this arrangement of lines strikes me as effective: a vast array of sand crumbles, crumpled She takes his hand, follows vein cliffs over warm comfort, over hills to memories never properly embraced. nondisclosed_email@example.com (Katlin)Sat, 27 Oct 2012 11:34:05 +0000 Re: a quiet responsehttps://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p13856,from=rss#post13856https://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p13856,from=rss#post13856to go by the title - the poem is anything but that! it bursts in my mind's eye like a brilliant flash - like some of those pictures of the cosmos you see on apod! excellent work libra! Just some suggestions - please take what you will or discard entirely: Stars burst within mind's confines brilliant fire, catch curtains and tapestries scorched odor pervades a vast array of sand crumbles, crumpled She takes his hand, follows vein cliffs over warm comfort, over hills to memories never properly embraced. Never a rock, craggy and inviting She was the windswept sea, daring to taste shore. How dare he wander into sand and fire's remnants? "Faith" flickers from mouth to sad, sad eyes. He is lost. She feels a scream of unwanted laughter form like spittle, mouth to eyes. nondisclosed_email@example.com (queenfisher)Fri, 26 Oct 2012 01:21:40 +0000 Re: a quiet responsehttps://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p13848,from=rss#post13848https://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p13848,from=rss#post13848libramoon, Good strong, vivid lines. I do wrestle with the narrative as it progresses. See my notes. Thanks for posting. quote:libramoon wrote: a quiet response Is Insanity ever quiet? [Great first line] Stars bursting within mind's confines brilliant fire, catching curtains and tapestries scorched odor pervades crumbles crumpled a vast array of sand.  [I agree this section is quite good] She takes his hand, follows vein cliffs over warm comfort, over hills to memories never properly embraced. [This becomes more conventionally descriptive, but I begin to wonder what the narrative is exactly] She was never a rock, craggy and inviting. She was the windswept sea, daring to taste shore. [If you're going to use hills and "shore" in the narrative, then you might want to create a more concise physical image, a geography] How dare he wander into sand and fire's remnants? [I like "fire's remnants"] "Faith" flickers from mouth to sad, sad eyes. He is lost. She feels a scream of unwanted laughter [I somehow lose the thread beginning with "Faith"] form like spittle, mouth to eyes. Oct. 21, 2012 nondisclosed_email@example.com (Zakzzz5)Thu, 25 Oct 2012 09:53:14 +0000 Re: a quiet responsehttps://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p13840,from=rss#post13840https://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p13840,from=rss#post13840hi libra, When I was a kid I was stricken with fits of excruciatingly inappropriate laughter...still am sometime, but much less often, thankfully. I think your poem describes this phenomenon beautifully, really took me back. I'm with vkp, much more engaged by the description of this surreal experience than by the labeling of it. Chrisnondisclosed_email@example.com (Christine98)Wed, 24 Oct 2012 08:30:33 +0000 Re: a quiet responsehttps://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p13828,from=rss#post13828https://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p13828,from=rss#post13828quote:She takes his hand, follows vein cliffs over warm comfort, over hills to memories never properly embraced. She was never a rock, craggy and inviting. She was the windswept sea, daring to taste shore. How dare he wander into sand and fire's remnants? "Faith" flickers from mouth to sad, sad eyes. He is lost. She feels a scream of unwanted laughter form like spittle, mouth to eyes. To me, Libra, the poem is in these lines, above. The prologue-like first five lines: quote:Is Insanity ever quiet? Stars bursting within mind's confines brilliant fire, catching curtains and tapestries scorched odor pervades crumbles crumpled a vast array of sand. don't do what the rest of the poem does in spite of them. I find that I don't want to be told the word "insanity" but to follow the trail you lay out for me. Not sure about your choices of line breaks etc. but that is not my specialty. I like the idea of a rock being craggy and inviting -- the overturning of expectations! The last three lines are chilling, very potent. vkpnondisclosed_email@example.com (vkp)Tue, 23 Oct 2012 13:40:14 +0000 a quiet responsehttps://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p13820,from=rss#post13820https://bdelectablemnts.runboard.com/p13820,from=rss#post13820unquiet response Is Insanity ever quiet? Stars bursting within confined mind's brilliant fire, catching curtains, igniting tapestries. Scorched odor pervades; crumbles crumple, a vast array of sand. She takes his hand, follows vein cliffs over warm comfort, over hills to memories never properly embraced. She was never a rock, craggy and inviting. She was the windswept sea, daring to taste shore. How dare he wander into sand and fire's remnants? "Faith" flickers from mouth to sad, sad eyes. He is lost. She feels a scream of unwanted laughter form like spittle, twisting from dry mouth to flooded eyes. ------------------- a quiet response Is Insanity ever quiet? Stars bursting within mind's confines brilliant fire, catching curtains and tapestries scorched odor pervades crumbles crumpled a vast array of sand. She takes his hand, follows vein cliffs over warm comfort, over hills to memories never properly embraced. She was never a rock, craggy and inviting. She was the windswept sea, daring to taste shore. How dare he wander into sand and fire's remnants? "Faith" flickers from mouth to sad, sad eyes. He is lost. She feels a scream of unwanted laughter form like spittle, mouth to eyes. Oct. 21, 2012nondisclosed_email@example.com (libramoon)Sun, 21 Oct 2012 20:25:05 +0000