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Mojave02 Profile
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The Moon Thin and Neurasthenic; Broken Like Eggshell


silver across our patch
of yellow turnips,
the crisp shallots.

The pock-marked moon
stolen from the Indian Ocean.
We spy on homely Pluto
black as the Azores.
I think of a washed-up
business district in 1929.

Our God-shaken poplars
billow like Homer's mask
of beard reading a long poem.

So I offer you this withered hour.
My rough glove
holds your rough glove.



Last edited by Mojave02, Nov/2/2012, 4:43 pm
Oct/28/2012, 7:07 pm Link to this post Send Email to Mojave02   Send PM to Mojave02 Blog
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: The Moon Thin and Neurasthenic; Broken Like Eggshell


hi bernie,

I've been reading this and watching the changes you've made--also recognize some of the same images in the poem you posted most recently.

I'm glad you haven't changed or deleted the last three lines and I think the edits have made it better. Just a very tender feeling conveyed here,

Chris

Nov/3/2012, 8:53 am Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
36064 Profile
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Re: The Moon Thin and Neurasthenic; Broken Like Eggshell


Chris---


very helpful to receive your vote on the revision.

many thanks.


bernie
Nov/10/2012, 9:40 am Link to this post Send Email to 36064   Send PM to 36064 Blog
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: The Moon Thin and Neurasthenic; Broken Like Eggshell


Hi Bernie,

I note that you've used some of the lines from this poem in another poem you posted, but I was wondering if you want to work on/with these lines, which seem like the makings of another poem? I've tweaked them a bit, just in case. emoticon

The Moon Broken Like Eggshell

silver across our patch
of yellow turnips,
the crisp shallots.

The thin and neurasthenic moon
stolen from the Indian Ocean.

Our God-shaken poplars
billow like Homer's mask
of beard reading a long poem.

So I offer you this withered hour.
My rough glove
holds your rough glove.
Nov/19/2012, 4:10 pm Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
36064 Profile
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Re: The Moon Thin and Neurasthenic; Broken Like Eggshell


K---

thanks with help on the edit and yes i like your stand alone version; a version free of lines now planted in a new poetic garden.

much thanks.


bernie
Nov/19/2012, 7:43 pm Link to this post Send Email to 36064   Send PM to 36064 Blog
 
Zakzzz5 Profile
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Re: The Moon Thin and Neurasthenic; Broken Like Eggshell


Mojave,

Yeah, this seems to echo another poem, but I'm going to leave it alone. Just concentrate on this poem. In some ways you get closer to reality in this than some of your more beautiful poems. Zak

 ]Mojave02 wrote:

silver across our patch
of yellow turnips,
the crisp shallots. [Live this. So unpretentious, yet so real. But this is more Hemingway, less John Donne.]

The pock-marked moon
stolen from the Indian Ocean.
We spy on homely Pluto
black as the Azores.
I think of a washed-up
business district in 1929. [This transcends the lessons of both Hemingway and Donne. I like the clumsy movement from astronomy to the business district, and to a timeframe.]

Our God-shaken poplars
billow like Homer's mask
of beard reading a long poem. {Love the billowing, but the actual sentence is a bit unsteady.]

So I offer you this withered hour.
My rough glove
holds your rough glove. [Wonderful closing. Really brings it down to the human. Yes, we wear gloves when in the garden.]

 

Nov/19/2012, 8:04 pm Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
36064 Profile
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Re: The Moon Thin and Neurasthenic; Broken Like Eggshell


Z

i like minimal too. deceptive you might agree, looks easy but one wrong word and you don't find out until you post or get a rejection letter.



Revision#1
 


silver across our patch
of yellow turnips,
the crisp shallots.

The moon on our billowing
poplars;

I offer you this withered
hour. My rough glove
holds your rough glove.


thanks again.


bernie



Last edited by 36064, Nov/20/2012, 12:40 am
Nov/20/2012, 12:32 am Link to this post Send Email to 36064   Send PM to 36064 Blog
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: The Moon Thin and Neurasthenic; Broken Like Eggshell


Hey Bernie,

Yes, to the minimalist revision. You've kept my favorite parts of the poem (S 1 and 3).
Nov/20/2012, 8:36 am Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
36064 Profile
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Re: The Moon Thin and Neurasthenic; Broken Like Eggshell


Z--

K---


Mike lay on the bed looking like a death mask of himself. He opened his eyes and looked at me.
'Hello Jake' he said very slowly. 'I'm getting a little sleep. I've wanted a little sleep for a long time ....'
'You'll sleep, Mike. Don't worry, boy.'
'Brett's got a bullfighter,' Mike said.

The Sun Also Rises


thanks, guys.

bernie






Nov/20/2012, 10:27 am Link to this post Send Email to 36064   Send PM to 36064 Blog
 


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