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Mojave02 Profile
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Perma Frost


I think of a washed-up
business district in 1929.

A dusky white powder smears
the moon’s face. A thin column
of Milky Way light the color
a woman might use on fingernails;

homely Pluto black as the Azores.
My hair dyed heavy black, a ponytail
like Sirius the unemployed dog star.

Mirzam,
Cassiopeia
and Pollux shut-down.

I see a closing restaurant, the owner
locks-up turning off an overhead fan.

When the trams stop,
we hear the stars burn to death
as they fall.

Not even mathematics can memorize
the entire archipelago I want to express.


Last edited by Mojave02, Nov/3/2012, 8:13 am
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Zakzzz5 Profile
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Re: Perma Frost


Mojave,

There is a very good poet on the other board, a person I respect, who told me one day, "I only comment on poems I like." That answered a question for me as to why this woman was so well liked and respected on the board. She never made the hard calls, and nobody, including myself, noticed it.

I could be all wet with my comments down below, but they might help to explain why it was "hands off" with the other readers. For me, at least, the poem is not on even ground with the bulk of your other work. Zak



 b]Mojave02 wrote:

I think of a washed-up
business district in 1929. [This I do like.]

A dusky white powder smears
the moon’s face. A thin column
of Milky Way light the color
a woman might use on fingernails; [This does not tie very well with the preceding stanza.]

homely Pluto black as the Azores.
My hair dyed heavy black, a ponytail
like Sirius the unemployed dog star. [This stanza is better and relates better to the first one in that it paints a rather tawdry and futile picture of a protagonist. This image links to the financial debacle in 1929 or therabouts.]

Mirzam,
Cassiopeia
and Pollux shut-down. [These are probably significant, but it may be a bit much to ask the reader to look up all three of them together. Many readers are lazy. Too many distractions nowadays: Iphone, Ipad, Internet, games, TV, blah blah blah.]

I see a closing restaurant, the owner
locks-up turning off an overhead fan. [This is strangely calming and should almost come into play earlier.]

When the trams stop,
we hear the stars burn to death
as they fall. [This is powerful but not well-integrated into the poem.]

Not even mathematics can memorize
the entire archipelago I want to express.
[Powerful but the argument isn't well developed, or clearly developed as a narrative.]

Nov/14/2012, 6:38 am Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
36064 Profile
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Re: Perma Frost


Z---

this is why i post, to get a fresh point-of-view; and the items you underlined are the ones i try to develop in my own comments on the poems of others.

vibrant images are important to me. however, they work best when integrated into the narrative flow, creative and even unconventional as that narrative might be.

we've all seen poems that seem to ramble on, moving without development from one image or idea to another. Phooey!

the current poem, i've revised in an attempt to do several things including provide a better narrative; now, the poem makes clear that 1929 or 2012 --- a job is still a key to personal sense of well being.

as for your friend who prefers to comment only on poems she likes, i would just add this comment to that discussion:

we get better when we challenge ourselves.

thanks again.



confusion over passwords make it impossible to edit the original.


Revision #1


I think of a washed-up
business district in 1929.

I see a closing restaurant, the owner
locks-up turning off a ceiling fan.

Overhead a dusky white powder
smears the moon’s face; a thin column
of Milky Way light the color
a woman might use on fingernails;

A job still further away than deaf
Pollux burning without purpose.

Mirzam, Cassiopeia and a few others
unimportant to me, shut-down.

My hair dyed black as the Azores,
a ponytail like Sirius the unemployed
dog star.

   








Last edited by 36064, Nov/15/2012, 8:48 pm
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Christine98 Profile
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Re: Perma Frost


hi bernie,

I understand the poem better after reading your exchange with zak. I'm pretty sure the edited version would be more clear--with its emphasis on business closings and unemployment--even without your explanation.

I think the first two lines are better at the end; fine lines wherever their placement.

Chris
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36064 Profile
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Re: Perma Frost


C---

I'm pretty sure the edited version would be more clear--with its emphasis on business closings and unemployment--even without your explanation

I think the first two lines are better at the end; fine lines wherever their placement



i think you are right about taking the revised last two lines and beginning with them.

clarity.

very important to me, and i think your suggestion conributes to that end; a closed business, the mention of the 1929 Depression era, that narrator's statement that he needs a job.

now a more cohesive narrative, one who is focused on being out of work;

an impression of the narrator---the humiliations---his grey hair now dyed black as the Azores; the humiliations we are willing to accept for employment.

a big help.

thanks.


mojave
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Christine98 Profile
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Re: Perma Frost


hey bernie,

What happened to the two lines that start with,
"not even mathematics..."? Those were the lines I wanted to see at the end--now it appears you've decided to delete them. Well, it's still a very good poem, my reader can't keep up with your editor!

Chris

Nov/16/2012, 9:22 am Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
36064 Profile
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Re: Perma Frost


C---

i misunderstood you, i thought you were referencing these lines:

I think of a washed-up
business district in 1929.


i thought the narrative flow was better, from the image of 1929 to the closing restaurant;

the comment from the narrator about not having a job.

well, i hope so.


mathematics becomes a dead end with no development, the word archipelago
finds only one echo in the phrase, black as the Azores.


thanks for your comments.

bernie





I think of a washed-up
business district in 1929.

I see a closing restaurant, the owner
locks-up turning off a ceiling fan.

Overhead a dusky white powder
smears the moon’s face; a thin column
of Milky Way light the color
a woman might use on fingernails;

A job still further away than deaf
Pollux burning without purpose.

Mirzam, Cassiopeia and a few others
unimportant to me, shut-down.

My hair dyed black as the Azores,
a ponytail like Sirius the unemployed
dog star.



Last edited by 36064, Nov/16/2012, 12:50 pm
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Katlin Profile
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Re: Perma Frost


Hi Bernie,

I enjoyed reading through the various revisions you've posted and eavesdropping on your conversations with Zak and Chris. I think that your latest revision, the one posted directly above, is close(r) but not quite there yet. I tried re-rearranging some lines. Not right either, but maybe this will help you take another look:

I think of a washed-up
business district in 1929.

I see a closing restaurant, the owner
locks-up turning off a ceiling fan.

Overhead a dusky white powder
smears the moon’s face; a thin column
of Milky Way light the color
a woman might use on fingernails;

homely Pluto black as the Azores.
My hair dyed heavy black, a ponytail
like Sirius the unemployed dog star.

Mirzam, Cassiopeia and a few others
unimportant to me, shut-down.
  
A job still further away than deaf
Pollux burning without purpose.

 


 
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Terreson Profile
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Re: Perma Frost


Haven't a clue what to make of the poem, Bernie. Can't know what it is after. Do know I find reading it enjoyable in several places. Sometimes smart image play is all I need.

Tere
Dec/7/2012, 12:20 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
36064 Profile
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Re: Perma Frost


Tere---

more great stuff from you.

this man, once again, finds images both historical, celestial and contemporary to express his frustration with his unemployement.

the 1929 collape of the economy.

burning stars that fail to interest him because of his preoccupation and bitterness regarding his own unemployment.

the image of a cafe closing for the night.

the final verse---attempts to chart his humiliaton---has he dyed his hair to appear younger?


My hair dyed black as the Azores,
a ponytail like Sirius the unemployed
dog star.


and i agree, i would loan my last dollar to a poet pedaling a few good images.


constantly striving to create that objective correlative as you said, that pathetic fallacy that might on a clear day convey feeling to the reader like a FedEx truck bringing christmas packages to my neighbor---just added that for fun.


bernie






I think of a washed-up
business district in 1929.

I see a closing restaurant, the owner
locks-up turning off a ceiling fan.

Overhead a dusky white powder
smears the moon’s face; a thin column
of Milky Way light the color
a woman might use on fingernails;

A job still further away than deaf
Pollux burning without purpose.

Mirzam, Cassiopeia and a few others
unimportant to me, shut-down.

My hair dyed black as the Azores,
a ponytail like Sirius the unemployed
dog star.







 

Last edited by 36064, Dec/8/2012, 12:35 pm
Dec/8/2012, 12:31 pm Link to this post Send Email to 36064   Send PM to 36064 Blog
 


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