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arkava Profile
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“sleepily, inattentively, and so on” (reviz 2)


our shadows leave us as evening
shrinking an inch over the hills
the town the larger flower
settles on cloud corners and
expands its breeze to hold us
“how do you sketch an eclipse?”
by running after it in your dreams
your skin mujarrada your breasts
like glass essentially we know
our universe a blur moving across
your mouth or settling on a page
i flick over w/o registering
surprise “we are again
on the same
page”

"haphazardly and by chance"

reviz 2

"all problems are concentric"

a new version like chance corners us again

     childhood focused on a shrinking glass universe
blur through a mouth page "They are ours and they are off

     the skin off our teeth clings to its version of the same"
     eclipse sending its lack of data across

a landscape where more than all of us can live
      spontaneously
shrinking to a flower w/o a sketch on

      hold the way we do know dreams
      the same in us as in hills
      waiting for the blur to settle

mujarrada

the flicker of a universe the same evening
      it’s our sky
surprises settle down

we watch lightning travel upstream from
a window

Last edited by arkava, Dec/9/2012, 1:51 am
Nov/8/2012, 1:27 am Link to this post Send Email to arkava   Send PM to arkava Blog
 
36064 Profile
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Re: “sleepily, inattentively, and so on”


A---

i very much like this title:

sleepily, inattentively, and so on”

could the poem itself be too crowded or perhaps it was just me not focusing very well.


mojave
Nov/10/2012, 9:38 am Link to this post Send Email to 36064   Send PM to 36064 Blog
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: “sleepily, inattentively, and so on”


hi arka,

This is a captivating read. The images wash over, beginning with the shadows shrinking over the hills. I'm left with the impression that standing still--taking in and surrendering to the flux--is ultimately the way to connect. It also reads like a love poem.

I'm not loving the didactic, three-line ending
but I could be wrong about that,

thanks for this,

Chris
Nov/10/2012, 9:42 am Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
arkava Profile
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Re: “sleepily, inattentively, and so on”


quote:

36064 wrote:

A---

i very much like this title:

sleepily, inattentively, and so on”

could the poem itself be too crowded or perhaps it was just me not focusing very well.


mojave



Hi mojave, thanks very much for the read. no maybe it is too crowded in this case. in fact i have serious reservations about this particular poem. i usually don't go for such "your skin" etc sort of stuff. so i am a bit out of water probably. thanks again for reading,

sincerely,
arka

 
Nov/11/2012, 8:40 am Link to this post Send Email to arkava   Send PM to arkava Blog
 
arkava Profile
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Re: “sleepily, inattentively, and so on”


quote:

Christine98 wrote:

hi arka,

This is a captivating read. The images wash over, beginning with the shadows shrinking over the hills. I'm left with the impression that standing still--taking in and surrendering to the flux--is ultimately the way to connect. It also reads like a love poem.

I'm not loving the didactic, three-line ending
but I could be wrong about that,

thanks for this,

Chris



hey chris. it is a love poem bang on. you are bang on about those last 3 lines too. the first time around i thot of leaving them as a single line. but then changed my mind and put in line breaks. it still feels put on. i think i am best w/o those 3 lines. thanks for the hit on that!

yrs,
arka
Nov/11/2012, 8:42 am Link to this post Send Email to arkava   Send PM to arkava Blog
 
Zakzzz5 Profile
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Re: “sleepily, inattentively, and so on”


arkava,

This seemed to break new ground, which may be why it appears to be a broken poem. Which means that you may be arriving at a new place. Zak

b]arkava wrote:


our shadows leave us as evening
shrinking an inch over the hills
the town the larger flower
settles on cloud corners and
expands its breeze to hold us
“how do you sketch an eclipse?”
[I like it to here, especially the creativity of the first two lines and the last line in this section}

by running after it in your dreams
your skin sharpened your breasts [This line appears to abruptly. Not enough glue.]
like glass essentially we know
our universe a blur moving across
your mouth or settling on a page
that i flick over w/o registering
surprise “we are again
on the same
page” [This section seems more conventional than your usual work.]

“if you are attached to possessions
you have left behind
you cannot get them” [I would like it better chopped off abruptly by deleting the last line. I think it would lend power to the remaining two lines, perhaps even leaving off the closing quote.]
 
Nov/11/2012, 8:47 am Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: “sleepily, inattentively, and so on” (reviz 1)


hi arka,

i like the new one line ending as opposed to the original three line one. really like the line:
 
“how do you sketch an eclipse?”

because it is in quotes, i couple it with the new last line, also in quotes. and with my favorite, semi-playful lines:

surprise “we are again
on the same
page”

i, too, read this as a love poem, written by a N who is striving to see and live that love in a larger context.

was puzzled by the word mujarrada which I could not find a translation for.

one small potential cut, if you are into that: drop "that" before "i flick"

oh, yeah, and I also like the title.
 
 
Nov/24/2012, 9:31 pm Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
arkava Profile
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Re: “sleepily, inattentively, and so on” (reviz 1)


Zak, Kat sorry for the terribly late response. wedding and stuff. in goa rt now. will reply and edit as soon as possible. thanks so much for the crits. i still hate this poem. will have to think on it.

yrs
arka
Dec/3/2012, 11:34 am Link to this post Send Email to arkava   Send PM to arkava Blog
 
36064 Profile
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Re: “sleepily, inattentively, and so on” (reviz 1)


A---

loved the word mujarrada.

i heard the word here in los angeles from an Urdu speaker---still uncertain as to the meaning, but i see the relationship to
eclipse; to a loss of love in a love poem?


“how do you sketch an eclipse?”
by running after it in your dreams
your skin mujarrada your breasts
like glass essentially we know
our universe a blur moving across
your mouth...


the sun fades, light fails, perhaps love falters. the skin grows colder in the eclipse?

i love that word blur...
so many great love affairs blur...

a wonderful expression:



our universe a blur moving across your mouth... so sensual, so moving.


at any rate, i thought you might enjoy this quote from the great gatsby in which fitzgerald also uses the word blur.

 


Her eyebrows had been plucked and then drawn on again at a more rakish angle, but the efforts of nature toward the restoration of the old alignment gave a blurred air to her face.’ Pg. 36



your breasts like glass essentially we know...

no relationship, but i thought once again of this unique descriptor from the same novel:


One of the men was talking with curious intensity to a young actress, and his wife, after attempting to laugh at the situation in a dignified and indifferent way, broke down entirely and resorted to flank attacks -at intervals she appeared suddenly at his side like an angry diamond and hissed: "You promised!." into his ear.


since i seem preoccupied with Fitzgerald while i read your poem, let me mention color.

might that be a new tool for this poem since light --- the eclipse---seems important. another dip into gatsby:


1. "The windows were ajar and gleaming white" (p. 13).

2. "Our white girlhood was passed together there. Our beautiful white" (Daisy and Jordan, p. 24).

3. "they came to a place where there were no trees and the sidewalk was white with moonlight" (Daisy and Gatsby, p. 106).


4. "His heart beat faster as Daisy's white face came up to his own" (p. 107).




bernie




Dec/4/2012, 1:58 am Link to this post Send Email to 36064   Send PM to 36064 Blog
 
queenfisher Profile
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Re: “sleepily, inattentively, and so on” (reviz 1)


dear arkava

love the poem - & yes it is both captivating & path breaking!

love all the images i'm getting from the poem

just some suggestions to tighten - a play with the format - take what you will or discard:

our shadows leave us as evening shrinks
an inch over the hills the town
settles on cloud corners
expands its breeze to
hold us “how do you
sketch an eclipse?”
run after it in
your dreams

your skin mujarrada your breasts
glass our universe a blur
moving across your mouth
settling on a page
i flick “we are
again on the
same page”
Dec/4/2012, 5:11 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
vkp Profile
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Re: “sleepily, inattentively, and so on” (reviz 1)


Good comments already here, but I want to chime in by saying that I love the density of the poem and the flood of images tumbling over me. I don't want breaks or breathing room.

Is the stand alone line in quotation marks at the end the final line of the poem? I ignored it the first time I read it because it did not fit, to me.... It's odd. But other than that, love the visuals of the poem and the way it sounds in my ear.
vkp
Dec/8/2012, 2:09 pm Link to this post Send Email to vkp   Send PM to vkp Blog
 
arkava Profile
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Re: “sleepily, inattentively, and so on”


Thanks very much for the involved read Zak. whew this is one of those i am not sure about. not at all. i started revising this (been coming back to all the comments time and again)and came up with a diff version which also seemed bleh. emoticon anyway posted both the versions. i think this is a broken poem. the line you pted out (the abrupt one) i think i put it in later. somethin like images rolling along. but it doesn't appear to convining even to me. do drop a line if you can abt the new version.

thnx
arka

quote:

Zakzzz5 wrote:

arkava,

This seemed to break new ground, which may be why it appears to be a broken poem. Which means that you may be arriving at a new place. Zak

b]arkava wrote:


our shadows leave us as evening
shrinking an inch over the hills
the town the larger flower
settles on cloud corners and
expands its breeze to hold us
“how do you sketch an eclipse?”
[I like it to here, especially the creativity of the first two lines and the last line in this section}

by running after it in your dreams
your skin sharpened your breasts [This line appears to abruptly. Not enough glue.]
like glass essentially we know
our universe a blur moving across
your mouth or settling on a page
that i flick over w/o registering
surprise “we are again
on the same
page” [This section seems more conventional than your usual work.]

“if you are attached to possessions
you have left behind
you cannot get them” [I would like it better chopped off abruptly by deleting the last line. I think it would lend power to the remaining two lines, perhaps even leaving off the closing quote.]
 



Dec/9/2012, 1:46 am Link to this post Send Email to arkava   Send PM to arkava Blog
 
arkava Profile
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Re: “sleepily, inattentively, and so on” (reviz 1)


quote:

Katlin wrote:

hi arka,

i like the new one line ending as opposed to the original three line one. really like the line:
 
“how do you sketch an eclipse?”

because it is in quotes, i couple it with the new last line, also in quotes. and with my favorite, semi-playful lines:

surprise “we are again
on the same
page”

i, too, read this as a love poem, written by a N who is striving to see and live that love in a larger context.

was puzzled by the word mujarrada which I could not find a translation for.

one small potential cut, if you are into that: drop "that" before "i flick"

oh, yeah, and I also like the title.
 
 



hey kat :-)) thanks for the hit on the construction there. this was more of a love poem really. and somehow it never works for me. i mean trying to write love poetry. hell. i am never sure whether i wrote/said it rt. i held on to the last three lines in the new edit. thanks!!-arka
Dec/9/2012, 1:59 am Link to this post Send Email to arkava   Send PM to arkava Blog
 
arkava Profile
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Re: “sleepily, inattentively, and so on” (reviz 1)


bernie, wow wow wow on the quotes!! also thanks so much for the hit on mujarrada. i tried overhauling the poem with that word as a seedign thot. i think i hate the first version now coz it reads too pat. rt down to the quotes. loss of love in a love poem. yes the eclipse is something like death or something i guess. i think your quotes started working on me on some level and i could come up with a diff version of this. still (too) ambiguous but hopefully a more balanced take. tho i can figure out the new version does not have a roll of images. but let me see. many thanks for the comments and help.

arka

quote:

36064 wrote:

A---

loved the word mujarrada.

i heard the word here in los angeles from an Urdu speaker---still uncertain as to the meaning, but i see the relationship to
eclipse; to a loss of love in a love poem?


“how do you sketch an eclipse?”
by running after it in your dreams
your skin mujarrada your breasts
like glass essentially we know
our universe a blur moving across
your mouth...


the sun fades, light fails, perhaps love falters. the skin grows colder in the eclipse?

i love that word blur...
so many great love affairs blur...

a wonderful expression:



our universe a blur moving across your mouth... so sensual, so moving.


at any rate, i thought you might enjoy this quote from the great gatsby in which fitzgerald also uses the word blur.

 


Her eyebrows had been plucked and then drawn on again at a more rakish angle, but the efforts of nature toward the restoration of the old alignment gave a blurred air to her face.’ Pg. 36



your breasts like glass essentially we know...

no relationship, but i thought once again of this unique descriptor from the same novel:


One of the men was talking with curious intensity to a young actress, and his wife, after attempting to laugh at the situation in a dignified and indifferent way, broke down entirely and resorted to flank attacks -at intervals she appeared suddenly at his side like an angry diamond and hissed: "You promised!." into his ear.


since i seem preoccupied with Fitzgerald while i read your poem, let me mention color.

might that be a new tool for this poem since light --- the eclipse---seems important. another dip into gatsby:


1. "The windows were ajar and gleaming white" (p. 13).

2. "Our white girlhood was passed together there. Our beautiful white" (Daisy and Jordan, p. 24).

3. "they came to a place where there were no trees and the sidewalk was white with moonlight" (Daisy and Gatsby, p. 106).


4. "His heart beat faster as Daisy's white face came up to his own" (p. 107).




bernie







Dec/9/2012, 2:09 am Link to this post Send Email to arkava   Send PM to arkava Blog
 
arkava Profile
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Re: “sleepily, inattentively, and so on” (reviz 1)


quote:

queenfisher wrote:

dear arkava

love the poem - & yes it is both captivating & path breaking!

love all the images i'm getting from the poem

just some suggestions to tighten - a play with the format - take what you will or discard:

our shadows leave us as evening shrinks
an inch over the hills the town
settles on cloud corners
expands its breeze to
hold us “how do you
sketch an eclipse?”
run after it in
your dreams

your skin mujarrada your breasts
glass our universe a blur
moving across your mouth
settling on a page
i flick “we are
again on the
same page”



Hey queenfisher. thanks very much for the take on this. i am still not very sure how to tackle the poem. but if i go back to the prev version i'll def try to keep yr pointers in mind. thanks!!

arka
Dec/9/2012, 2:19 am Link to this post Send Email to arkava   Send PM to arkava Blog
 
arkava Profile
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Re: “sleepily, inattentively, and so on” (reviz 1)


density--that's the thing i was shooting for here vkp. something like er enjambed images. but now i have come up with a diff version i think (after reading your comments) i'lll hold on to the earlier one as well. thank you

arka

quote:

vkp wrote:

Good comments already here, but I want to chime in by saying that I love the density of the poem and the flood of images tumbling over me. I don't want breaks or breathing room.

Is the stand alone line in quotation marks at the end the final line of the poem? I ignored it the first time I read it because it did not fit, to me.... It's odd. But other than that, love the visuals of the poem and the way it sounds in my ear.
vkp



Dec/9/2012, 2:28 am Link to this post Send Email to arkava   Send PM to arkava Blog
 


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