Runboard.com
You're welcome.
Community logo






runboard.com       Sign up (learn about it) | Sign in (lost password?)

 
36064 Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
We Drove All Night Into a Dozen Adieus -- New Title: A Stone Balustrade Parallel to the Sea


Revision #2


A Stone Balustrade Parallel to the Sea


We drive the Jersey shore
where the owlish color
of hollyhocks lasts into September.

Green pennants billow from cupolas
and chains of yellow bulbs droop
below the plaster façade of casinos.

Several hotels grow luminous
and for lunch we buy lavender plums;
their violet eyes lapse and close
as we rest and eat.

Old garages line the lower road
like women taking the sun;

We throw ourselves into the waves
like suicides; glassy and sleek,
a foaming cerf slaps our bare chests.
a light spray of champagne on her lips;
it's clear she is drinking again;

the handsome sea,
moody as cigarette smoke; a cirrus
of low clouds turning the afternoon
the color of a pilot light.



Revision #1

New title: A Stone Balustrade Parallel to the Sea

The moon sags into the rose glove
of the earth's quarter dark.

We drive the Jersey shore
where the owlish color
of hollyhocks lasts into September.

Green pennants billow from cupolas
and chains of yellow bulbs droop
below the plaster façade of casinos.

Several hotels grow luminous
and for lunch we buy lavender plums;
their violet eyes lapse and close
as we rest and eat.

Old garages line the lower road
like women taking the sun;

We throw ourselves into the waves
like suicides; half-naked
and gleaming with our youthfulness;
a light spray of champagne on her lips;
it's clear she is drinking again;

the handsome sea,
moody as cigarette smoke; a cirrus
of low clouds turning the afternoon
the color of a pilot light.










Original:

The moon sags into the rose glove
of the earth's quarter dark.

We drove the Jersey shore
where the owlish color
of hollyhocks lasts until September;

salt-weathered benches opposite
casinos; cupolas flying green
and faded yellow bulbs call
gamblers to try their luck.

The handsome sea,
moody as cigarette smoke.
A cirrus of low clouds turns
the afternoon to the color
of a pilot light.


Last edited by 36064, Dec/17/2012, 11:35 pm
Dec/4/2012, 5:31 am Link to this post Send Email to 36064   Send PM to 36064 Blog
 
vkp Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: We Drove All Night Into a Dozen Adieus


Some gorgeous images. Especially that contained in the first two lines.

I am put off by changes in verb tense and also something about the construction of the second strophe -- the line-up of items separated by semi-colons. There is a (probably intentional) lack of parallelism that is (to me) jarring. I'd also remove the word "to" from the penultimate line.

That said, I feel that this poem exists for these lines to be in the world:

quote:

The moon sags into the rose glove
of the earth's quarter dark.


and:
quote:

where the owlish color
of hollyhocks lasts until September


When the rest of the poem is working a little better, those lines may be happier!
Dec/4/2012, 11:03 am Link to this post Send Email to vkp   Send PM to vkp Blog
 
Zakzzz5 Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: We Drove All Night Into a Dozen Adieus


Bernie,

I criticize the hands taking the plums, but not sure it's something you need to take to heart. Your sensibility is different from mine, more sensitive and vulnerable in some areas where I may not be. There are trade-offs. I hope my crit helps, if not please disregard, etc. etc. Zak

36064 wrote:

Revision #1


The moon sags into the rose glove
of the earth's quarter dark. [earth's quarter dark doesn't work for me because I think of a sliver of moon. Not familiar with the turn of phrase.]

We drive the Jersey shore
where the owlish color
of hollyhocks lasts until September. [Wonderful stanza except for the word "until". It jars.]

Green pennants billow from cupolas
and yellow bulbs sag below the
plaster façade of casinos. [Excellent. I can feel the wind without your saying "wind."]

Several hotels grow luminous [Good technique!!]
and for lunch we take lavender plums
into our hands as their violet eyes
lapse and close. ["Taking lavender plums into our hands" is a bit too precious. Too much like a liturgical service in one of the High Churches.]

Old garages line the lower road
like women taking the sun;
the handsome sea,
moody as cigarette smoke; a cirrus
of low clouds turning the afternoon
the color of a pilot light. [Good series of images. It takes a bit to visualize it but it works.]










Original:

The moon sags into the rose glove
of the earth's quarter dark.

We drove the Jersey shore
where the owlish color
of hollyhocks lasts until September;

salt-weathered benches opposite
casinos; cupolas flying green
and faded yellow bulbs call
gamblers to try their luck.

The handsome sea,
moody as cigarette smoke.
A cirrus of low clouds turns
the afternoon to the color
of a pilot light.



Dec/5/2012, 11:40 am Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
36064 Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: We Drove All Night Into a Dozen Adieus


VKP---


glad the first two images caught your fancy. mine too...LOL.


Z---


OK, let's tone down that liturgical service as you phrased it; no hand to hand transfers.

now, that opening image about the earth's quarter dark; i mean that moment of a full moon sitting on the horizon so close to earth.

at least here in my Mojave desert i have never seen that circumstance produce "moonlight" if we mean what f. scott fitzgerald means when he says:

 

"they came to a place where there were no trees and the sidewalk was white with moonlight" (Daisy and Gatsby, p. 106).


thanks again for your always helpful feedback.


bernie

Dec/5/2012, 6:28 pm Link to this post Send Email to 36064   Send PM to 36064 Blog
 
Terreson Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: We Drove All Night Into a Dozen Adieus


The thing about your poetry is that it can frequently be read for the pleasure of image play alone. Often i find this to be true. VKP has already pointed to two such playful moments.

Cannot be sure what the poem is after. Especially confused by the disconnect between title and text. Title prepares me for something nocturnal. Poem delivers something of the late afternoon.

One thing I think I notice. I know this kind of shore, having grown up on it. Poem conveys that particular environment quite well and without actually trying to. Atmospheric like.

Tere
Dec/8/2012, 1:46 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
36064 Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: We Drove All Night Into a Dozen Adieus -- New Title: A Stone Balustrade Parallel to the Sea


Tere---

yes, atmosphere, the pathetic fallacy of Ruskin, the influence of Eliot and Lowell---


In the grandiloquent lettering on Mother’s coffin,
Lowell had been misspelled LOVEL.
The corpse
was wrapped like panettone in Italian tinfoil.


yes, their power over me to break my heart at will.

you're right about that title---i changed it.

right about something else, the poem lacked a third act. i've added several lines:


We throw ourselves into the waves
like suicides; half-naked and gleaming
with our youthfulness; a light spray
of champagne on her lips;
it's clear she is drinking again;



once again, great stuff. and thanks again,


Bernie


 
 
Dec/8/2012, 3:20 pm Link to this post Send Email to 36064   Send PM to 36064 Blog
 
vkp Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: We Drove All Night Into a Dozen Adieus -- New Title: A Stone Balustrade Parallel to the Sea


Love the additions.

This is great and smacks my inner eye with the wonderful familiarity that an unfamiliar turn of phrase can evoke:
quote:

Old garages line the lower road
like women taking the sun;



The use of the third person -- "she" -- is startling and a little off-putting just suddenly there, and then gone. Maybe a name, or an identifier. But I can see how that might be awkward too. Just a small thing but it stopped me, pulled me out of the moment.

Other than that... yay.

vkp

Dec/9/2012, 10:54 am Link to this post Send Email to vkp   Send PM to vkp Blog
 
Katlin Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: We Drove All Night Into a Dozen Adieus -- New Title: A Stone Balustrade Parallel to the Sea


Hi Bernie,

I like the new title and as always am impressed by the seemingly effortless way you turn out first-rate poems. A few thoughts on ths one:

Drastic idea maybe, but I'd cut the first stanza and use it somewhere else:

The moon sags into the rose glove
of the earth's quarter dark.

start the poem here:

We drive the Jersey shore
where the owlish color
of hollyhocks lasts into September.

Green pennants billow from cupolas
and chains of yellow bulbs droop
below the plaster façade of casinos.

Several hotels grow luminous
and for lunch we buy lavender plums;
their violet eyes lapse and close
as we rest and eat.

Old garages line the lower road
like women taking the sun;

All of the images above are luscious, sensuous and work well.

In this stanza, I'd consider cutting "with our youthfulness" as being too self-conscious and unnecessary:

We throw ourselves into the waves
like suicides; half-naked
and gleaming with our youthfulness;
a light spray of champagne on her lips;
it's clear she is drinking again;

the handsome sea,
moody as cigarette smoke; a cirrus
of low clouds turning the afternoon
the color of a pilot light.



Last edited by Katlin, Dec/17/2012, 7:38 pm
Dec/17/2012, 7:33 pm Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
36064 Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: We Drove All Night Into a Dozen Adieus -- New Title: A Stone Balustrade Parallel to the Sea


VKP---


i understand about the sudden use of the pronoun, she. i first used the woman's name as they drive along the shore. still kicking over solutions, but your comment makes me realize this is a real concern and not a phantom by an overly sensitive poet...LOL.

K---

good lord, you are so right on both counts as far as i am concerned: take the current opening to a new poem, broadcloth; and dump with our youthfulness.


We throw ourselves into the waves
like suicides; half-naked
and gleaming with our youthfulness;
a light spray of champagne on her lips;
it's clear she is drinking again;



We throw ourselves into the waves
like suicides; glassy and sleek,
a foaming serf slaps our bare chests.
A light spray of champagne on her lips;
it's clear she is drinking again;



one of several reasons why i workshop, to get such insights as you express.

wow.

great stuff.


bernie




Last edited by 36064, Dec/18/2012, 1:53 am
Dec/17/2012, 11:16 pm Link to this post Send Email to 36064   Send PM to 36064 Blog
 


Add a reply





You are not logged in (login)