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arkava Profile
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.


i have made up my mind
          not to come back
to the same things that bothered me last time
i was here
the full body of my questioning depleting
concentration like reading starts somewhat with
          reading sentences
but clouds of matter typed onto them
getting in your eyes
          make you blink
and come back to me
or something sentimental like that
          when you go off to sleep

      understanding lies next to me
           part of my backwash
      that leaves my bed for yours
           sustained within a second mouth that seems

           to rapidly
           ....................... “assimilate a psychological touch”

the peaks grip each other and the sun blows the morning
out of proportion

Last edited by arkava, Dec/13/2012, 5:31 am
Dec/13/2012, 5:28 am Link to this post Send Email to arkava   Send PM to arkava Blog
 
36064 Profile
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Re: .


A---


oh, what a wonderful phrase ending the poem:

the sun blows the morning
out of proportion




the conversational tone, the confessional ring supports the imagery and phrasing.

the reasoning here was just a little too close for my comfort:

reading sentences
but clouds of matter typed onto them
getting in your eyes
          make you blink
and come back to me
or something sentimental like that
          when you go off to sleep

      understanding lies next to me
           part of my backwash
      that leaves my bed for yours
           sustained within a second mouth that seems

           to rapidly
           ....................... “assimilate a psychological touch”


i think the narrator must guard against appearing churlish.


also, as a practical matter---the word "to" is used twice in the opening;

and the use of the gerund (or gerund like) seven times---do you really want that?


i liked the clear declarative opening,

i have made up my mind / not to come back / to the same things that bothered me last time

linking the "full body of my questioning" to reading brought a fresh insight to the poem.

great job finding something new on this subject of lost and regained love.


bernie


Last edited by 36064, Dec/13/2012, 8:36 am
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Terreson Profile
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Re: .


This is a poem. Steady as she goes. Be very careful when looking to trim her sails.

Tere
Dec/13/2012, 4:28 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
arkava Profile
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Re: .


thanks very much for the close read, bernie.
this is new ground for me. this conversational style. and the hardest part is knowing what to talk about really. last night i came up with 3 poems. all crap. (rt now on an unpaid leave from office. so lots of time) wrote some more crap poems since morning. could figure out i was writing crap and stopped. see what i mean? thanks for the help on this one. i noticed the gerund orgy on this one while writing. but decided to go for it-sounded okay. a bit of sing song y'know. but i'll probably edit them out. lemme see. not at all sure. but your read helps. at least some of this works i guess. and now i have a better idea of the what. thanks

arka


quote:

36064 wrote:

A---


oh, what a wonderful phrase ending the poem:

the sun blows the morning
out of proportion




the conversational tone, the confessional ring supports the imagery and phrasing.

the reasoning here was just a little too close for my comfort:

reading sentences
but clouds of matter typed onto them
getting in your eyes
          make you blink
and come back to me
or something sentimental like that
          when you go off to sleep

      understanding lies next to me
           part of my backwash
      that leaves my bed for yours
           sustained within a second mouth that seems

           to rapidly
           ....................... “assimilate a psychological touch”


i think the narrator must guard against appearing churlish.


also, as a practical matter---the word "to" is used twice in the opening;

and the use of the gerund (or gerund like) seven times---do you really want that?


i liked the clear declarative opening,

i have made up my mind / not to come back / to the same things that bothered me last time

linking the "full body of my questioning" to reading brought a fresh insight to the poem.

great job finding something new on this subject of lost and regained love.


bernie



Dec/14/2012, 2:04 am Link to this post Send Email to arkava   Send PM to arkava Blog
 
arkava Profile
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Re: .


quote:

Terreson wrote:

This is a poem. Steady as she goes. Be very careful when looking to trim her sails.

Tere



you just addressed what's going on in my head, tere. i guess the best i can do is move around the lines, speak a bit with them and try to clarify the emotion/ thought-feeling i want to deal with. thanks, arka
Dec/14/2012, 2:08 am Link to this post Send Email to arkava   Send PM to arkava Blog
 
queenfisher Profile
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Re: .


der arkava

really enjoyed!

concentration like reading starts somewhat with
          reading sentences
but clouds of matter typed onto them
getting in your eyes
          make you blink
and come back to me
or something sentimental like that

personally i feel words like 'somewhat' & 'something' weaken the poem & the best lines remain hidden

sun blows the morning
out of proportion

is great!

concentration like reading starts somewhat with
          reading sentences

suggestion: concentration starts with reading sentences

i don't know if i'm right - or that might change the sense of the poem. so take what you will.

i love ambiguity - but i feel ambiguity handled with a more assertive & direct approach strengthens the poem & not the other way around.

i think the 2nd stanza should start with:

when you go off to sleep

i'm not too sure about the second mouth &
 “assimilate a psychological touch”

suggestion:

when you go off to sleep
understanding lies next to me
           part of my backwash -
        leaves my bed for yours
           peaks grip each other and the sun blows the morning
out of proportion

of course trim the sails carefuly as tere suggested or the boat might keel over!


 
Dec/14/2012, 4:47 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
arkava Profile
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Re: .


hey queenfisher, i really get with some of the edits you suggested. especially cutting back on the something/somewhat etc. now that you mention it, there does seem to be a flood of them here. also the later portion can be trimmed. understand lies etc. got too lazy there. thank you emoticon
arka
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Katlin Profile
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Re: .


Hi arka,

I've been living with this poem since you first posted it 10 days ago. The first few times I read it, it didn't click with me. Like Bernie, I kept bumping into all the "-ing" endings. The other morning, however, when I came to the board, this was the first poem I read, and suddenly the voice came through to me; I could hear it--like a puzzle piece snapping into place. I could hear the rhythms in the piece and appreciate those gerunds that had previously tripped me up. Now, I'm not thinking you need to change any of them! The "somewhat" and "somehow" don't bother me either. Go figure.

The only cut I would make is one Queen pointed to: drop the "that" before "leaves my bed for yours."

I'm still puzzling over these lines:
 
to rapidly
           ....................... “assimilate a psychological touch

As others have pointed out, the ending is strong, and I am partial to the beginning.

Hmm, just thought of something that vkp posted as a prompt in another thread:

"A quotation from Sir Francis Bacon: There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion."
Dec/23/2012, 7:47 am Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
arkava Profile
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Re: .


Dear Kat. that's so good to hear. not just that it works and how it works, but having such a reader in the first place. i really am in awe of the effort and consideration you put into your critiques. "strangeness in proportion" that pretty much sums up my mental (sic) life. gotta run rt now. be back in a few hrs
Dec/23/2012, 10:07 pm Link to this post Send Email to arkava   Send PM to arkava Blog
 
arkava Profile
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hey kat, back again. i think the prob with me is i tend to write in a sequence, almost auto-updation stuff. each poem an autosuggestion/mantra for the next. so a lot of the stuff like "psychological state of sleep" and "peaks" etc gets repeated over a series of drafts/texts. and this thing about reading/thinking/language as supplementary madness. earlier i used to think that conceptual poetry thing is the real stuff. and i guess i went awry trying to ape that when i should have just tried listening better to experience and reading and the radar. so nowadays i am shooting for as natural a syntax as possible (the gerunds just clicked for me too when i was writing. later on i thought i must have been hearing things.)longer sentences breaking down into a hell lot of misplaced/squinting modifiers and voice that is, if not my own, something inspirational for me. that sounds twisted i know. but believe that typing out complete sentences was a struggle at first before i got the rhythm/trance. i guess that's what i am shooting for at the end of the day. walking that trance and thinking clearer. also a voice that isn't necessarily mine or specifically eastern/western but somewhere drawing from both. thanks for the encouragement and inputs along the way. emoticon

yrs
arka

Last edited by arkava, Dec/25/2012, 5:31 am
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Katlin Profile
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I think reading the poem first thing in the morning was key: I didn't have a lot of voices in my head yet the voice in the poem had to overcome. IOW, I wasn't already in some other trance the poem had to compete with; I wasn't already tracking other blips on the radar instead of following the blips of this one.
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