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Here's looking at you kid! (Rev 2)


Revision 2

Never look at your reflection
in the mirror, remember, it will look
…back at you. You can see your face –
eyes, lips, what does it see in you?
An abyss…?

Deeper than the deepest –
of the deepest - no beginning; no end.
Imprisoned for years…..............
your reflection knows more then
you can guess.

Seeking redress,
it grips you in a hypnotic trance,
seizes the chance to size you up –
does a flip, before you can blink,
sides are switched:

free at last!

It stands where you once
stood, throws its head back & laughs,
you follow suit, at mercy of its every
whim. You're the prisoner & must
do its will.

Now that, it’s got you pinned
& wriggling inside the glass, it plays
a game to frighten you just for a lark!
Staring at you hard -
it draws you in…

the endless, winding abyss…
Against your will, you’re drawn in,
deeper into the deepest of the
deepest, until you’re well
& truly lost!

You begin to panic you begin
to fall, crashing right through the wall!
Suddenly you hear someone call
It’s your dear husband
In dire straits

Shouting:
hurry up we’re late! Women! God!
Sure take all the time in the world
to make up their
face!



Revision 1

When you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Never look at your reflection
in the mirror, remember, it will look
…back at you. You can see your face –
eyes, lips, what does it see in you?
An abyss…?

Deeper than the deepest –
of the deepest - no beginning; no end.
Imprisoned for years…..............
your reflection knows more then
you can guess.

It seeks redress.
Grips you in a hypnotic trance,
seizing the chance, sizing you up –
does a flip, before you can blink,
sides are switched:

free at last!

It stands where you once
stood, throws its head back & laughs,
you follow suit, at mercy of its every
whim. You’re the prisoner now
& must do its will.

Now that, it’s got you pinned
& wriggling inside the glass, it plays
a game to frighten you just for a lark!
Staring at you real hard
It draws you in…

the endless, winding abyss…
Against your will, you’re drawn in,
deeper into the deepest of the
deepest, until you’re well
& truly lost!

You begin to panic you begin
to fall, crashing right through the wall!
Suddenly you hear someone call
It’s your dear husband
In dire straits

Shouting:
hurry up we’re late! Women! God!
Sure take all the time in the world
to make up their
face!

ORIGINAL:

When you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Never look at your reflection
in the mirror, remember,
it will look back
at you.
You can see your face – eyes,
lips, what does it see in you?
An abyss…?

Deeper than the deepest ocean,
deepest pool, long, winding,
with no beginning
no end…
Your reflection knows
more than you
can guess.

Imprisoned for years, it seeks
redress, grips you in a
hypnotic trance -
does a flip,
before you can blink, switches
sides, gets you on the
inside:

free at last!

It stands where you once stood –
throws its head back & laughs
you follow suit, at mercy
of its every
whim.
You’re the prisoner now & must do
its will, now that its got you
‘pinned & wriggling’
inside the glass.

It plays a game of frightening you
just for a lark! Staring at you
real hard, it draws you in
into the abyss…
it saw in you. Against your will
you’re drawn in, deeper,
deeper, deeper,
into

the endless winding abyss,
until you’re well & truly
lost!
You begin to panic you begin
to fall, crashing right
through the
wall!

Suddenly you hear someone
call, it’s your dear husband
in dire straits shouting:
hurry up we’re late,
women!
God!
They take all the time in the world
to make up their
face!
 




Last edited by queenfisher, Jan/3/2013, 3:53 am
Dec/18/2012, 4:42 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
36064 Profile
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Re: Here's looking at you kid!


Queenfisher---

pretty grim, large portions of this abyss.


It stands where you once stood –
throws its head back & laughs
you follow suit, at mercy
of its every
whim.
You’re the prisoner now & must do
its will, now that its got you
‘pinned & wriggling’
inside the glass.


what Tere calls the Pathetic Fallacy---after Ruskin. the attribution of human personality and character to objects---incluing that menacing abyss.

you made a believer of me. good job in that regard.

one thing,

Deeper than the deepest ocean,

not so fresh, that image, yes?



i liked the sudden and unexplained entry of the prosaic husband, a return to a level of normalcy, appreciated i imagine by the narrator, certainly appreciated by this reader.

i thought of Poe's short stories, with there unrelenting talent to scare my pants off.

think of that tell tale heart

---a man so hates the clouded eye of a fellow roominghouse lodger he goes in the middle of the night to commit murder---and the man's clouded eye is open.

open and no doubt staring into his own private abyss.

say, wonder if i could encourage you enough to flesh out that abyss? here is Blake:

By degrees we beheld the infinite
abyss, fiery as the smoke of a burning
city; beneath us at an immense dis-
tance was the sun, black but shining;
round it were fiery tracks on which
revolved vast spiders, crawling after
their prey, which flew, or rather
swum, in the infinite deep, in the most
terrific shapes of animals spring from
corruption; and the air was full of
them, and seemed composed of them.
These are Devils, and are called powers
of the air. I now asked my com-
panion which was my eternal lot.
He said: "Between the black and
white spiders."




bernie

Last edited by 36064, Dec/19/2012, 1:49 am
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Zakzzz5 Profile
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Re: Here's looking at you kid!


queenfisher,

This system doesn't allow for striking out so I had to erase some words and lines. When we do this it makes it look arbitrary. I don't mean that. I was trying to retain the lines or phrases that held my attention. It's just a wild stab. Use what makes sense or disregard. We all have different ways of writing. Enjoyed it, especially the twist in the last stanza. And I liked the conceit. Zak

]queenfisher wrote:

When you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Never look at your reflection
in the mirror, remember,
it will look back
at you.
You can see your face – eyes,
lips, what does it see in you?
An abyss…?

Deeper than the deepest,
long, winding,
Your reflection knows
more than you
can guess.

Imprisoned for years, it seeks
redress, grips you in a
hypnotic trance -
does a flip,
before you can blink:

It stands where you once stood –
throws its head back & laughs
you follow suit, at mercy
of its every
whim.
You’re the prisoner now
‘pinned & wriggling’
inside the glass.

It plays a game of frightening you
just for a lark! Staring at you
real hard, it draws you in
into the abyss…
it saw in you. Against your will
you’re drawn in, deeper,
deeper into

the endless winding abyss,
until you’re lost
You begin to panic

Suddenly you hear someone
call, it’s your dear husband
in dire straits shouting:
hurry up we’re late,
women!
God!
They take all the time in the world
to make up their
face!
 


 

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queenfisher Profile
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Re: Here's looking at you kid!


hi bernie

thanks a lot for looking in & providing all the inputs

that blake guy was a real pro!
i wish i could write this piece as a professional poet!
i know what i want but can't quite get it
it's like painting - would so much like to paint like van gogh - i did do sunflowers once - but not quite the same! o no nowhere near it!

but i know what you mean...
an abyss can be so many things
an abyss can be the cosmos

here it's more like a long empty dark tunnel
with no light at the end of it - or rather no light has yet been reached.

will be reworking ...but i'm actually glad you found it grim & not totally ineffective.

thanks for the help.
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Re: Here's looking at you kid!


dear zak

thank you so much for taking the trouble & actually reworking the lines - all is not lost then!

some kind of interest has to be aroused to take that kind of trouble & time - i'm really thankful for that.

i'm not quite getting what i really want - & it's frustrating - the lines are clumsy - i want to keep the language simple but adept & the concept complex - & convoluted like the winding abyss! i should be a more diligent student! & less of play!

so your re-working will be really helpul in pointing me to the right direction - thanks so much!



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Re: Here's looking at you kid!


well i'm already into revision! fast work! in a hurry to put things right! one never knows! of course it requires more work...endless winding!
Dec/20/2012, 6:21 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
Zakzzz5 Profile
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Re: Here's looking at you kid! (Rev # 1)


queenfisher, My suggestions are arbitrary, probably changeable with the moment, so take them only as seriously as you feel like it. It's early in the morning. Two hours later I could change my mind. I think you did improve it. I didn't check the particulars of what, if anything you had changed, it just felt better. Next time I make changes, I'll try to use the color option. I forgot about it. I made the notes in BIG. Zak

My sense was that it had improved. It was smoother, more to the point.

Revision 1

When you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Never look at your reflection
in the mirror, remember, it will look
…back at you. You can see your face –
eyes, lips, what does it see in you?
An abyss…?

Deeper than the deepest –
of the deepest - no beginning; no end.
Imprisoned for years…..............
your reflection knows more then
you can guess. [DELETE “CAN GUESS]

It seeks redress.
Grips you in a hypnotic trance,
seizing the chance, sizing you up –
does a flip, before you can blink,
sides are switched: [I LIKE THIS STANZA. TO HERE FROM THE TOP YOU’VE IMPROVED IT, OR I HAVE NEW EYES]

free at last!

It stands where you once
stood, throws its head back & laughs,
you follow suit, at mercy of its every
whim. You’re the prisoner now
& must do its will. [DELETE THIS LINE; THIS IS IMPLIED]

Now that, it’s got you pinned
& wriggling inside the glass, it plays
a game to frighten you just for a lark!
Staring at you real hard [DELETE “REAL”]
It draws you in…

the endless, winding abyss…
Against your will, you’re drawn in,
deeper into the deepest of the
deepest, until you’re well
& truly lost!

You begin to panic you begin
to fall, crashing right through the wall!
Suddenly you hear someone call
It’s your dear husband
In dire straits

Shouting:
hurry up we’re late! Women! God!
Sure take all the time in the world
to make up their
face!
Dec/21/2012, 7:36 am Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: Here's looking at you kid! (Rev # 1)


Hi Queenfisher,

I can tell you had a lot of fun writing this! There is so much tongue-in-cheek humor as the N pokes fun at herself and, by extension, other women who preen and peer too long into the mirror. emoticon Your approach to the subject matter, your take on the material is original and imaginative.

I started tweaking the poem the other day but never posted it. Will do so now, even though I was working with the original version and not the revision. HTH.

Never look at your reflection
in the mirror, remember,
it will look back
at you.
You can see your face – eyes,
lips, what does it see in you?
Your reflection knows
more than you
can guess.

Imprisoned for years, it seeks
redress, grips you in a
hypnotic trance -
does a flip,
before you can blink, switches
sides, gets you on the
inside:

free at last!

It stands where you once stood –
throws its head back & laughs
you follow suit, at mercy
of its every
whim.
You’re the prisoner now
‘pinned & wriggling’
inside the glass.

It plays a game of frightening you
just for a lark! Staring at you
real hard, it draws you in
against your will deeper
deeper into the abyss…

it saw in you
until you’re well & truly
lost!
You begin to panic you begin
to fall, crashing right
through the
wall!

Suddenly you hear someone
call, it’s your dear husband
in dire straits shouting:
hurry up we’re late,
women!
God!
They take all the time in the world
to make up their
face!


Last edited by Katlin, Dec/22/2012, 7:06 am
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queenfisher Profile
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Re: Here's looking at you kid! (Rev # 1)


dear zak

thank you so much for looking into this again - your suggestions are wonderful! & i shall be incorporating them - the big size works well & clear

i'm glad the revision felt better - as you got me started on it - perhaps it is a bit of both - new eyes & improvement!

thank you so much for your time.
Dec/26/2012, 12:49 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
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Re: Here's looking at you kid! (Rev # 1)


dear katlin

thanks a lot for looking in & the suggestions.

i did have a lot of fun writing this! i've been slammed hard for writing stuff like this! but that's ok as everyone is entitled to their likes & dislikes & i do love criticism as that's what these forums are all about - the end result being improvement - but some make you cringe & want to stop writing altogether! perhaps there's no need to be metioning all this - as i stay far from controversies! - but i must say this forum is very condusive to writing! that's the only point i wanted to make - ever since i came here i'm actually excited about writing! so as the year ends - thank you so much all of you for being who you are!

i'm amazed at you preception as usual - i'm patting myself for being original & imaginative - which can run wild!

i feel the first stanza should end in abyss - perhaps i'm overstating - but i kind of like it - that abyss is all important!

hope everybody had a great christmas!
Dec/26/2012, 1:15 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: Here's looking at you kid! (Rev 2)


Hi queenfisher,

Yes, the abyss is important, part of what I think makes the poem unique. I didn't mention this before, but I particularly like these lines:

Your reflection knows
more than you
can guess.

Your work is tricky to critique, I think, because it is often seemingly simple on the surface, and very often I don't realize the real depth behind your words until days after I've read a poem. Tricky, too, because you often use hyperbole and irony for comic effect, and sometimes, much to my chagrin, I miss just how deliberately you are doing that.

"but i must say this forum is very condusive to writing! that's the only point i wanted to make - ever since i came here i'm actually excited about writing! so as the year ends - thank you so much all of you for being who you are!"

Thank you for saying that and for being here and you! One of the main reasons we started this board was because we had been on other boards ourselves where the pleasure in the writing process and the desire to write got crushed--in just the way and for the very reasons you mention. Our dream was that somehow this board would be different. We are not a critique-free board, although we have crit-free forums, but I like to think we are not a "my way or the highway" board either when it comes to critiques and revisions.
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queenfisher Profile
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Re: Here's looking at you kid! (Rev 2)


dear katlin

thanks for coming back to this

Your reflection knows
more than you
can guess.

i like that too! so i guess i can add it on - after all two little words!

thank you so much - for all the attributes you so generously assign to my writing!

your dream (& others of this board) has come true - the board IS so very different! for me it is a Zen place - peacefully creative, instructive, with all the good vibes! A big thanks to all for creating such a place!
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Terreson Profile
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Re: Here's looking at you kid! (Rev 2)


Poem didn't gather me up until the end. Then I understood the moment, a vignette and smartly done. Yes, I can see the moment, nicely drawn out. To me it's kind of what happens when a series of decisions brings you to where you are. And if you cannot abide by what you have become there is nothing left but self-loathing. I always feel for a person in that moment. Regret is indeed an abyss. Poem strikes the existential vein in me.

Tere
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Re: Here's looking at you kid! (Rev 2)


hi tere

thanks a lot - you comments are very special - yes it was the existential feel that i was trying for - the feeling of absurdity / unreality in seeing your reflection - rather than regret or self-loathing - the abyss signifying - meaninglessness & absurdity - which i can accept - but neither regret nor loathe!
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Re: Here's looking at you kid! (Rev 2)


Queenfisher---

what do you say, make this woman a little more clearly in a dialogue with herself;

like men, living out their lives of quiet desperation---living in their own unique abyss. the contrast, existential angst over cosmetics.

this narrator focused on her fading beauty, on the need for artifice; she makes up before a mirror, her husband waiting in the wings---like the aging process itself.

let there be action, let's learn what colors she is considering for tonight, the feel of her own cheeks, a flirtation she remembers from a dance---his manners graceful like a swimmer in the green sea breakers.

in these small ways, we are all vaguely unfaithful to our partner---a small, harmless abyss afterall.


bernie



Last edited by Bernie01, Jan/24/2013, 11:10 pm


---
Fall

Bob Grenier: the leaves / falling / out of the / water by the / table
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Re: Here's looking at you kid! (Rev 2)


Queenfisher---


what do you say, make this woman a little more clearly in a dialogue with herself;

like men, living out their lives of quiet desperation---living in their own unique abyss. the contrast, existential angst over cosmetics.

this narrator focused on her fading beauty, on the need for artifice; she makes up before a mirror, her husband waiting in the wings---like the aging process itself.

let there be action, let's learn what colors she is considering for tonight, the feel of her own cheeks, remember elioit's poem in which a woman has lightly downed arms.

what other actions?


 --- a flirtation she remembers from a dance---his manners graceful like a swimmer in the green sea breakers. she actually laughs, almost inaudibly.

in these small ways, we are all vaguely unfaithful to our partner---a small, harmless abyss afterall.


bernie





---
Fall

Bob Grenier: the leaves / falling / out of the / water by the / table
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