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Zakzzz5 Profile
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New Year's Day Walk


New Year's Day Walk

It’s 7:30 and the cold stings,
I walk Max, my Border Collie,
Down by where we found him,
Where they trapped the coyote that used
To come out to watch us go by.

Really cold this morning
Under the trees by the house
With four white columns, rented
Now twice. The teenagers living there back up
Across the street, it being a sharp
Curve and steep, they back up all the way
Onto the neighbor’s lawn and burn
Rubber two inches deep.

The edge of the swamp where we found
Max as a tiny pup, in a pile of tires,
Has been cleared and a grand house
Built. Much has been cleared away. But
They don’t pick up the fast food cartons
Thrown by the sharp curve from cars.

Farther up the road, when those neighbors
Moved out, retired,
The ones who came after them
Cut away most of the shrubbery, cut down
Small trees.
They wanted sharper lines, these were not renters,
And in the back they enclosed the lawn
With a high fence with no spaces
For their dog to look out.

Last edited by Zakzzz5, Jan/4/2009, 12:07 pm
Jan/4/2009, 12:06 pm Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
ChrisD1 Profile
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Re: New Year's Day Walk


Zak,

Enjoyed taking this walk with you. Detailed without being 'telly.' Like the observation of changes on New Years Day...not sentimental...
a little regretful, maybe?

Chris
Jan/4/2009, 5:17 pm Link to this post Send Email to ChrisD1   Send PM to ChrisD1
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: New Year's Day Walk


Damn. This is a poem. I'll come back tomorrow when I am not so tired and it is not so late. But this is the rare thing. A poem.

Tere
Jan/5/2009, 2:41 am Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
Zakzzz5 Profile
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Re: New Year's Day Walk


CrhisD1,
I appreciate your having taken the time to read and comment. Regretful maybe, but observational, I thought. Zak
Jan/17/2009, 3:08 pm Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
Zakzzz5 Profile
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Re: New Year's Day Walk


Terreson,

Glad you liked it, warts and all. No need to come back if you liked it. That's enough. I know you've got a board to run, and poems to write. Zak
Jan/17/2009, 3:09 pm Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
carolinex Profile
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Re: New Year's Day Walk


Hi Zak,

I'm finding the caps for each line distract me. Also, I feel a few of the lines could read smoother. But I like the picture you paint, lots of contrasts in a short space.

Ine

New Year's Day Walk

It’s 7:30 and the cold stings,
I walk Max, my Border Collie,
Down by where we found him,
Where they trapped the coyote that used
To come out to watch us go by.

(Really cold this morning)//this feels too lacking in description for me
Under the trees by the house
With four white columns, rented
Now twice.//twice since you've ;lived there, probably more than that?
 The teenagers living there back up
Across the street, it being a sharp
Curve and steep, they back up all the way//these 3 lines read a bit awkward to me
Onto the neighbor’s lawn and burn
Rubber two inches deep.

The edge of the swamp where we found
Max as a tiny pup, in a pile of tires,
Has been cleared and a grand house
Built. Much has been cleared away. But
They don’t pick up the fast food cartons
Thrown by the sharp curve from cars.

Farther up the road, when those neighbors
Moved out, retired,
The ones who came after them //again, reads a bit awkward, maybe if you took out, "when those" and also "them"
Cut away most of the shrubbery, cut down
Small trees.
They wanted sharper lines, these were not renters,
And in the back they enclosed the lawn
With a high fence with no spaces
For their dog to look out.//I like your ending a lot.
Jan/17/2009, 7:27 pm Link to this post Send PM to carolinex
 
Zakzzz5 Profile
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Re: New Year's Day Walk


Caroline,

I like your review and appreciate your take on it, even if I didn't always agree. Thanks for reading. Zak
quote:

CarolineX wrote:

Hi Zak,

I'm finding the caps for each line distract me. [It was a new computer I got; and had not learned to fix problems like that.] Also, I feel a few of the lines could read smoother. But I like the picture you paint, lots of contrasts in a short space.

Ine

New Year's Day Walk

It’s 7:30 and the cold stings,
I walk Max, my Border Collie,
Down by where we found him,
Where they trapped the coyote that used
To come out to watch us go by.

(Really cold this morning)//this feels too lacking in description for me [I accept that, thanks.]
Under the trees by the house
With four white columns, rented
Now twice.//twice since you've ;lived there, probably more than that? [Now why would you say that? No. It has been rented exactly twice since I moved here.]
 The teenagers living there back up
Across the street, it being a sharp
Curve and steep, they back up all the way//these 3 lines read a bit awkward to me [Ok, got it. Thanks.]
Onto the neighbor’s lawn and burn
Rubber two inches deep.

The edge of the swamp where we found
Max as a tiny pup, in a pile of tires,
Has been cleared and a grand house
Built. Much has been cleared away. But
They don’t pick up the fast food cartons
Thrown by the sharp curve from cars.

Farther up the road, when those neighbors
Moved out, retired,
The ones who came after them //again, reads a bit awkward, maybe if you took out, "when those" and also "them" ["when those" is necessary because "when" tells when in the sequence, and "those" identifies the people. Also, if I drop the "them", it makes the sentence more portentous and serious than I want it to be]
Cut away most of the shrubbery, cut down
Small trees.
They wanted sharper lines, these were not renters,
And in the back they enclosed the lawn
With a high fence with no spaces
For their dog to look out.//I like your ending a lot.



Jan/25/2009, 9:32 am Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
deepwaters Profile
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Re: New Year's Day Walk


Zak -
There is something delicious in telling us about walking Max and wrapping the piece up with a dog who gets to only look out of his yard with its fence and sharp lines. I like this and its layers. One nit I have is the two separate references to where we found him/Max. Somehow it takes away from the poem for me. Just my two cents. Thanks for the post.
-shab

Jan/26/2009, 12:10 am Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: New Year's Day Walk


Hi Zak,

I like the casual way this poem unfolds and the way the observations relate to what is seen in the physical world and in the mind. Because the observations relate to what the N is thinking, I thought the repetitions worked well. One thought leads to another and sometimes back again to a previous thought.

I found the line "Really cold this morning" to be an anticlimax after "It’s 7:30 and the cold stings,"

One place that I stumbled:

"The teenagers living there back up
Across the street, it being a sharp
Curve and steep, they back up all the way"

At first I thought they lived back up across the street. I think changing the line break would help clarify the meaning sooner for me:

The teenagers living there back
Up across the street, it being a sharp
Curve and steep, they back up all the way

I thought a slight change would work here:

Farther up the road, when those neighbors
Retired, moved out,

I wasn't sure about the third use of "sharp". I understand that it was deliberate, but I wasn't sure about going three times to that well. Cleaner? (No one else remarked on it, so it's probably just me.)

I liked ending with the neighbor's dog. Actually, I liked the way the whole story of how you found your dog unfolded and then ended with another dog not looking out.

Feb/9/2009, 7:02 pm Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 


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