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deepwaters Profile
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The Trilogy of An Unborn Child


Tried to tighten this up some.
-s

The Trilogy of An Unborn Child

I. A Time to Write

Outside my skin,
this old brown bark,
my hands extend
beyond desire and want
to reach for my unborn child
as my lover watches intently.
He knows that this
will not be his future.

"Time for you to write
a few poems" says my lover.
He interprets my dreams
when I swim in dark waters.

At the market
I reach for the tomatoes,
red eclipsed moons
leaning against each other.
Soft and simple,
they remind me
of the future I will never own.


II. Abortion

The day I became a killer
I chatted with my mother,
sipping afternoon tea
and sampling French cookies.

My empty womb
clawed and screamed
while I flashed her a grin
with every trickle of blood.

"Bye baby" she kissed
my cheek. I chanted
all the way home
"bye baby."


III. Insomnia

Last night, on my thirty fifth birthday
after our drunk friends had returned
to their milky fat babies
I planted my feet in the backyard
in the same corner we always see
the cat doing his wash.

I hollowed out the dew-damp soil
tasting her tender brown heart
as she painted my nails.
I sowed my toes deep in her belly.

While you rearranged your precious
love affair with our bed
my neck wound through
the bare branches.
My coarse hands extended
awkwardly.

I married the moon:
her bridesmaids – infinite,
their stories - older than love.
My lips kissed her lashes.

And in the morning when she turns
to ashes in my palms
I will grow tall and green.
I know birds nested
in my curls will feed
on the worms rested
in my eyes, and I will
come to life again.
Dec/23/2012, 12:47 pm Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
queenfisher Profile
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Re: The Trilogy of An Unborn Child


hi deep

very powerful poem - hits the target!

reminds me of plath & sexton.

it's the fine detailing that really drive home the point:

At the market
I reach for the tomatoes,
red eclipsed moons
leaning against each other.
Soft and simple,
they remind me
of the future I will never own.

part II - is mind blowing! the impact it makes is very powerful.

Part III - just takes you to the world of Plath

your poem has made so deep an impact - still trying to absorb!
Dec/26/2012, 1:41 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
Zakzzz5 Profile
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Re: The Trilogy of An Unborn Child


deepwaters,

The first stanza is very real, also just the right emotional content. The second sentence ping pongs between high emotion and introspection. The third stanza is mythic. Thanks for posting. It stretches the edges of what I know; in fact, I feel like a sailer looking at another continent. Zak

deepwaters wrote:

Tried to tighten this up some.
-s

The Trilogy of An Unborn Child

I. A Time to Write

Outside my skin,
this old brown bark,[I get a self-deprecating tone here; perhaps feeling like dead bark for having given up the child. I realize this may not be autobiographical. You are an artist.]
my hands extend
beyond desire and want
to reach for my unborn child
as my lover watches intently.
He knows that this
will not be his future.

"Time for you to write
a few poems" says my lover.
He interprets my dreams
when I swim in dark waters. [Not sure about this lover. He is interested enough to interpret the dreams, but not enough to struggle for the child's life?]

At the market
I reach for the tomatoes,
red eclipsed moons
leaning against each other.
Soft and simple,
they remind me
of the future I will never own. [Good work. The body of the child in the soft tomatoes. But also the red color for the blood.]


II. Abortion

The day I became a killer [This sentence is too judgmental. It goes into the didactic area, which may be ok politically, but it hits wrong.]
I chatted with my mother,
sipping afternoon tea
and sampling French cookies.

My empty womb
clawed and screamed
while I flashed her a grin
with every trickle of blood. [The last sentence comes across as gratuitous, unnecessary. But a line IS necessary here.]

"Bye baby" she kissed
my cheek. I chanted
all the way home
"bye baby."


III. Insomnia

Last night, on my thirty fifth birthday
after our drunk friends had returned
to their milky fat babies
I planted my feet in the backyard
in the same corner we always see
the cat doing his wash.

I hollowed out the dew-damp soil
tasting her tender brown heart
as she painted my nails.
I sowed my toes deep in her belly.

While you rearranged your precious
love affair with our bed
my neck wound through
the bare branches.
My coarse hands extended
awkwardly.

I married the moon:
her bridesmaids – infinite,
their stories - older than love.
My lips kissed her lashes.

And in the morning when she turns
to ashes in my palms
I will grow tall and green.
I know birds nested
in my curls will feed
on the worms rested
in my eyes, and I will
come to life again. [This stanza has so much in it, it would require an essay to properly address it. Good work. It reads like an ancient myth.]



Dec/26/2012, 6:51 am Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
deepwaters Profile
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Re: The Trilogy of An Unborn Child


queenfisher -

Thank you for your kind remarks, and for telling me it reminds you of some legends emoticon


---
Zak -

Your "in fact, I feel like a sailer looking at another continent." means more to me that you could imagine. Your detailed response to various sections is much appreciated. Thank you. I have commented on a couple of them

quote:

Zakzzz5 wrote:
Outside my skin,
this old brown bark,[I get a self-deprecating tone here; perhaps feeling like dead bark for having given up the child. I realize this may not be autobiographical. You are an artist.]


Agree with the tone and intention here.

quote:

Zakzzz5 wrote:
my hands extend
beyond desire and want
to reach for my unborn child
as my lover watches intently.
He knows that this
will not be his future.

"Time for you to write
a few poems" says my lover.
He interprets my dreams
when I swim in dark waters. [Not sure about this lover. He is interested enough to interpret the dreams, but not enough to struggle for the child's life?]


That is exactly right, and indeed the dilemma of N.

quote:

Zakzzz5 wrote:
The day I became a killer [This sentence is too judgmental. It goes into the didactic area, which may be ok politically, but it hits wrong.]


Hm, I wonder what hits wrong. To me, it is in tune with the self-deprecating and self-judgmental tone of earlier. What am I missing?

quote:

Zakzzz5 wrote:
And in the morning when she turns
to ashes in my palms
I will grow tall and green.
I know birds nested
in my curls will feed
on the worms rested
in my eyes, and I will
come to life again. [This stanza has so much in it, it would require an essay to properly address it. Good work. It reads like an ancient myth.]


Thank you very much.
-s
Dec/27/2012, 2:15 pm Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
libramoon Profile
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Re: The Trilogy of An Unborn Child


yes, mythic, this becoming of earth and ash, this deep metabolic emotion of process
I am awed in the sense of awakening within the surreal drama of the far too real and where it can take us.
Dec/29/2012, 3:48 pm Link to this post Send Email to libramoon   Send PM to libramoon Blog
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: The Trilogy of An Unborn Child


hi shab,

So nice to see you posting again! Sorry for my holiday-delayed response.

I remember these poems individually, but I don't know if I've ever read them together. Doesn't seem so and taken together they tell a larger story that the individual poems, strong as they are, don't quite reveal. Together the poems present a harrowing emotional and spiritual experience the N struggles to come to terms with.

A few small thoughts:

Outside my skin,
this old brown bark,
my hands extend
beyond desire and want
to reach for my unborn child.
My lover watches intently.
He knows that this
will not be his future.

I would make the first long sentence into two sentences to separate the two actions and give them equal weight. I puzzled over your use of both "desire and want" until I realized "want" can mean "lack" as well.

"Time for you to write
a few poems" says my lover.
He interprets my dreams
as I swim in dark waters.

I would change "when" in the last line to "as" to give the action a stronger present tense feel.

I agree with the others that something mythic happens in the last section when the N becomes a tree and marries the moon, symbolically dies and is herself reborn, finds freedom from her previous "sin" (that's why I thought you used the word "killer" earlier in the poem). In that sense, I think the final section is ritualistic as well as mythic in its intent.
Dec/30/2012, 7:15 pm Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
deepwaters Profile
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Re: The Trilogy of An Unborn Child


Kat -

Thank you. It is great to be back and to be alive emoticon

I knew you would recall one or two of these. I remember your encouragement when I posted (oh, some years ago) the rough draft of the third segment.

Thanks for your helpful comments. Greatly appreciated.
-s
Jan/6/2013, 10:14 pm Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
vkp Profile
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Re: The Trilogy of An Unborn Child


So exquisitely beautiful and moving. I think I am honestly too deeply affected by this trilogy of poems to comment critically on it at all. I will come back to it again, and perhaps then. My reaction to this work is visceral and deep.
vkp
Jan/11/2013, 1:35 pm Link to this post Send Email to vkp   Send PM to vkp Blog
 
deepwaters Profile
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Re: The Trilogy of An Unborn Child


vkp-

A wannabe poet like me could not have asked for a more rewarding reaction. Thank you for commenting.
-s


Last edited by deepwaters, Jan/12/2013, 4:09 pm
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deepwaters Profile
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Re: The Trilogy of An Unborn Child


libra -

I missed your comment, sorry about that. Appreciate your commenting. Thank you.
-s
Jan/12/2013, 4:11 pm Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: The Trilogy of An Unborn Child


This is a poem. Right here. Fleshed out. Corporeal. It passes all of my tests. This is when I refuse to go critical, second guess intention, comment on the mechanics. Sorry. But this is so near perfect that, as reader, I am not inclined to say something that might upset so delicate a balance. Tension. Gestalt. Kinetic energy. You are a poet, Shab. Might be a poet before you are anything else. This pierces me like the arrow Lorca always said duende is. It also makes me want to shy away from all a poet needs to know and experience to write like this.

Tere

Tere
Jan/12/2013, 5:29 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: The Trilogy of An Unborn Child


hi shab,

After reading Tere's comments and rereading your poem, I went back and reread my comments: I withdraw my "small thoughts"! emoticon Now, after reading two of your poems this morning, I am reminded: your voice is singular and your own. I, for one, did not mean to second guess your intentions. Sure hope it didn't come across that way. When I miss on a poem, it's usually because there are so many voices in my head, I can't hear the one in the poem over the din.

Last edited by Katlin, Jan/13/2013, 10:29 am
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