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Christine98 Profile
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early afternoon


a loping dog
at large among
the little front lawns

brown grass brittle
under the tough pads
of his paws

his bare-necked progress, his speed
shrinks the block into a game board
he leaps onto or off of like the only
animate thing. his teeth are terrifying

Last edited by Christine98, Feb/22/2013, 8:52 am
Feb/16/2013, 10:31 am Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
Bernie01 Profile
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Re: early afternoon


Christine---


I liked that the poem kept itself fresh and free of the usual animal bromides; no particular intelligence is attributed to the dog and we have his freedom to enjoy.

  
or off of


is awkward.

What about the game board image? Not for me, little too human for my taste, other opportunities exist to personalize this animal and his trip into neighborhood lawns.


Think I would avoid the diminutive, little front lawns.


a loping dog
at large among
the front lawns




clear and strong.



would shift from the general, to the specific:


sniffs the squirrel
track, the iron gate
and winter hedge



Also, we avoid a second reference to lawns/grass.



Something to contrast with those terrifying teeth that end the poem, lunchtime/terrifying teeth.



Un-collared, free
until lunchtime,
a liberal democrat




and then that good humored, but surprising appearance of those terrifying teeth.

 
bernie


---
Fall

Bob Grenier: the leaves / falling / out of the / water by the / table
Feb/16/2013, 11:58 am Link to this post Send Email to Bernie01   Send PM to Bernie01 Blog
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: early afternoon


Thanks bernie. Your point re: "little" is well taken, I'll think on it. Also the awkwardness of the line you mention..bugs me too. This wasn't intended to be about the dog or his experience... it really is the human response I was after.

Thanks again,

Chris

Last edited by Christine98, Feb/16/2013, 12:12 pm
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ineese Profile
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Re: early afternoon


Christine,

The title didn't seem to be about the content,
which is the dog. Pesky little critter, isn't he?
Just a few suggestions for you to consider?

a loping dog
at large among
the little front lawns

[the] brown grass >>>>>>>>>maybe go without the definite article here>>>>>
brittle under the [tough] pads
of his paws >>>>>>>>>>>>>more alliteration without the word "tough"

his un-collared progress, his
speed shrinks the block
into a game board

that he leaps onto
or off of>>>>>>>>>>>>seemed muffled, (pardon the pun) maybe that he leaps on and off>>>>>>>
like the only living thing

his teeth are terrifying>>>>>>>>>maybe something
with more action, like "he shows his teeth"

 

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Christine98 Profile
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Re: early afternoon


hey ineese (Kathleen?)

Thanks for the careful read. The title is not good/ an after thought. I want to capture the ordinariness of the scene...the predictability until the dog shows up and disrupts the sense of order and safety. Ya know? I was gonna call it 'Suburban Still Life' or something like that...but too cliche...any suggestions?

The definite article probably could go but 'tough' isn't there just for alliteration..

I think we cross-posted; I was editing a little while you were commenting. I'll leave it for now.

Thanks much,

Chris

oops, missed your point about alliteration.
my bad.

Last edited by Christine98, Feb/17/2013, 9:21 am
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deepwaters Profile
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Re: early afternoon


good to be reading you, Chris.
-s
Feb/16/2013, 3:25 pm Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: early afternoon


Thanks shab. Good to hear from you,

Chris
Feb/16/2013, 5:13 pm Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: early afternoon


Sometimes reading you, Chris, forces me to a new, at least different, perspective. Good writing almost always does. Years ago, as I've mentioned before, I lived in a deep forest. As also mentioned before, it taught me a big thing. Perspective is subject to environmentally produced habit. The big thing is to overcome that habit if what is wanted is a new perspective. For example, what must the world look like to a falling rain drop?

This strikes me as a slight poem and not entirely satisfying, which can be the weakness of all short poems. Especially my own. But I get that it looks to proceed elliptically. And so it does. Its strength is in its different perspective brought about by its sudden, terminal, shift in emphasis.

Tere
Feb/17/2013, 5:06 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: early afternoon


Thanks tere, what a thoughtful comment. The poem is slight and needs work; I do think it's worth further investment.

thank you again,

Chris
Feb/17/2013, 5:43 pm Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
queenfisher Profile
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Re: early afternoon


dear chris
love the minimilistic approach
you've clinched it in the last line!
Feb/19/2013, 1:53 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: early afternoon


thank you queen. glad you like it,

Chris
Feb/19/2013, 2:03 pm Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: early afternoon


Hi Chris,

I wish you had left up the original version of this, which I read several times, because I think I preferred it to the revision. For example, I like the use of "little" before front lawns for several reasons. I liked the
alliteration and the contrast with "large" before dog. I liked that the adjective told me something about the location of the lawns: city or city-suburbs. Also, I could see the little front lawns as game board pieces, etc. Normally, I would agree "little" should go, but here I think your initial instincts were right. Since you tend to be a minimalist in your poems, you aren't someone who is given to throwing in extra adjectives, especially diminutive ones, for no reason. My 2 cents, and I may be wrong. If so, sorry to be a pesky little critter myself. emoticon
   
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Christine98 Profile
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Re: early afternoon


hi Kat,

Thanks for your comments. I've fiddled with it the last time this go round. If this poem crops up again, it will be in some very edited, possibly expanded form...in a new thread.

Sorry for not saving the previous versions, I shoulda done that,

thanks again,

Chris
Feb/22/2013, 8:50 am Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
vkp Profile
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Re: early afternoon


Chris,
I very much like pieces of this, like “loping dog/at large,” and “his teeth are terrifying,” and look forward to maybe seeing this grow into its paws! Personally, I like small poems. A small poem can be a snowflake of minor perfection. Keep with this….
vkp
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Christine98 Profile
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Re: early afternoon


hi v,

Good to see you. Thanks for your comments,

Chris
Mar/3/2013, 8:21 am Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 


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