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ineese Profile
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Landlady


May arrives. I clean and open the veranda.
The trellis, crooked from a heavy snow,
has lost its height. I considered a roof,
but prefer instead the lattice
work of afternoon shadow.
 
It needs something random: violets
in small pots of clay so the dampness can seep through.
Do I really need the entire
volume of The Sun Magazine at my feet?

Quiet. Sounds slowly carry themselves
away into a story. This is a place
to gather thoughts fallen from the shelf

to pretend a son hasn't forgotten you.
To sit until the air becomes wind,
yet you know it didn't change at all.
  
I've ruined a fingernail on the bench
the color of clay pigeons. No one will ever
know such work to become dormant.
Here, I am a landlady,
come to collect that last deep breath.



Last edited by ineese, Feb/17/2013, 12:22 pm
Feb/16/2013, 1:19 pm Link to this post Send PM to ineese Blog
 
Bernie01 Profile
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Re: Landlady


Kathleen---


i thought so. a lurking lyric poet, capable of striking the reader from great distance.



It needs something random: violets
in small pots of clay so the dampness can seep through.


in clay pots so water seeps out.


so the line doesn't stick out.


 
 
Here, I am a landlady,
come to collect that last deep breath.



wonderful last line, the real headlong beside the lyrical image.


bernie



---
Fall

Bob Grenier: the leaves / falling / out of the / water by the / table
Feb/16/2013, 4:15 pm Link to this post Send Email to Bernie01   Send PM to Bernie01 Blog
 
ineese Profile
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Re: Landlady


Bernie,

I will use that~! it's much smoother.

I feel I've turned a corner.

Thank you for the feedback. So appreciated.
Feb/16/2013, 5:24 pm Link to this post Send PM to ineese Blog
 
vkp Profile
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Re: Landlady


Ineese,
Exquisite. I, too, love the last line. And this:
quote:

This is a place
to gather thoughts fallen from the shelf

to pretend a son hasn't forgotten you.
To sit until the air becomes wind,
yet you know it didn't change at all.



The puttering landlady becomes a poignant story in her own life, attentive to the details around and within her. The lines preceding the ones above:
quote:

Sounds slowly carry themselves
away into a story.

are also wonderful. The story evolves... a story of her? For her? Story....

And of course the visuals, the lattice playing shadows, the violets, the damp earth, red clay etc. Sensory and real.
vkp

PS I think you may need a comma after snow.

  
Feb/17/2013, 9:05 am Link to this post Send Email to vkp   Send PM to vkp Blog
 
ineese Profile
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Re: Landlady


vkp,

Thank you so much. I have added that comma.

I am glad you found so much you liked with this poem.
Feb/17/2013, 12:23 pm Link to this post Send PM to ineese Blog
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: Landlady


More than once in my rich interior life I've thought how cool it would be to produce an anthology of poems posted on our board. Not every poem here works. But those that do read just like delectable mountains. Our buddy Zak once said about a poem posted here: how come I can't find poetry like this in a bookstore?

Kathleen, Bernie's comment is spot on. You are a lyric poet. Of all poetry's voices the lyric voice is the slenderest. I am convinced it is also the most enduring. So did Confucius. And so did Shakespeare.

This poem absolutely works. Your sense of scene is what makes it work. Texture. That is the word I'm looking for. The poem has texture in the same way, say, a painting by Wyeth has. One poet, Ransom, felt that that is what sets off a poem. "By definition, then, texture is intended to correct the exaggerations of 'logic' in poetry that cause the colorful local details to disappear into the grayness of systemitized abstraction." But the thing about texture is that the poem has to possess just the right amount. The hand can indeed lay it on too thick. This poem, to my eye, has just the right amount. More to the point, poem's texture is set off nicely by the ironic self-portrait in the last two lines. Well done, my landlady of a small space.

Tere
Feb/17/2013, 6:14 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
ineese Profile
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Re: Landlady


Tere,

I absolutely (honestly) am speechless.
Thank you seems not enough. As most writers/poets
I like praise (who doesn't) but am used to criticism, critique and often times frustration with myself in achieving a piece that's up to par. I've entered the IBPC
for years and years and then some and had a few HM and for that, I am grateful and I always feel I failed because I never place.
I keep thinking, what do I have to do? all the time, trying to fit into another style that isn't me. And never could be.

But now, I know what kind of poet I am. I mean at 62,
how cool is that? I started out rhyming, then I found free verse, studied, studied narrative poetry, read books, good books by Mary Oliver, and others. But basically just read.
Then, I started writing what came naturally, and that seemed to make all the difference in the world.

So, dear Tere, your words are so welcome and I appreciate them. And even if I never place anywhere, it feels good to know that now, I can forget about putting myself in a box and writing something that isn't even natural to who I am.
That's a really nice feeling.

I like this board and the feedback. Even with my poor eyesight and typos, you all tolerate me. kidding.

Thanks again, Tere. and Bernie, as well, you nailed it.
Feb/17/2013, 7:42 pm Link to this post Send PM to ineese Blog
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: Landlady


hi ineese,

a teensy nit: S1L4 "but prefer instead the lattice," the word "instead" is redundant as it follows "prefer." Don't think the poem would suffer in any way if you lost it,

Chris
Feb/18/2013, 1:23 pm Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
ineese Profile
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Re: Landlady


Chris,

Thank you and yes, I believe you are right!
I will work that in thus.
Feb/18/2013, 3:35 pm Link to this post Send PM to ineese Blog
 
queenfisher Profile
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Re: Landlady


dear ineese

a quiet melencholic beauty in the poem - with some very memorable lines:

Quiet. Sounds slowly carry themselves
away into a story. This is a place
to gather thoughts fallen from the shelf

to pretend a son hasn't forgotten you.

the opening is like a breath of fresh air

& the landlady - collector of the last deep breath! the reader completely loses himself / herself in this lovely atmospheric piece.
Feb/19/2013, 1:17 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: Landlady


Kathleen,

Wonderful poem. I like the quiet voice of the N, the honesty in her observations. All the details work. The question at the end of S2 made me laugh and made for a good contrast to the sadness in S4L1. The unhurried pace of the poem works well with the shifting shadows and the gathering of "thoughts fallen from the shelf". Much enjoyed.
Feb/22/2013, 8:17 am Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
ineese Profile
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Re: Landlady


Thank you both so much!
Feb/23/2013, 9:19 am Link to this post Send PM to ineese Blog
 


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