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Christine98 Profile
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Move over in your bed,


an other shares the shallow
bowl you made with your
sleep-heavy hip. The nestled bowl
has filled with risen dough, exuding
yeast that permeates your sleep

all dreams are returned to the Homeland.

Life proceeds
in well lit kitchens.
The flimsy curtains billow
rising like loaves.

No window opens onto a courtyard
where the insomniac paces alone.
No whiff of night-blooming
jasmine or cigarette smoke.

Last edited by Christine98, Jun/12/2013, 4:43 pm
Jun/12/2013, 3:25 pm Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: Move over in your bed,


An affecting poem, Chris. Assuming I read the moment right, I get the poignancy of the sleepless. Quite a contrast to opening stanza.

Tere
Jun/22/2013, 12:10 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: Move over in your bed,


hey tere,

I was trying to capture the insidious sense of
being the citizen of a Surveillance State. (whew! too many sybillants!) Anyway, the poem's a flop because it doesn't really convey that. Needs work. Thanks for reading and commenting,

Chris
Jun/22/2013, 1:44 pm Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: Move over in your bed,


Hi Chris,

I didn't read this poem in the way you say you intended, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. The domestic details made me think of love affair or marriage. I felt there was something intimate but also confining about the scene the poem creates. "Homeland" stopped me, and I played around with the notion of expats/exile but ended up reading it as the deep space of the unconscious. I saw this as more of a mood piece as I could not nail down a specific storyline.

I'm intrigued by your intentions for the poem and look forward to the revision.
Jun/24/2013, 11:47 am Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: Move over in your bed,


Thanks Kat,

I really appreciate your thoughts and impressions,

Chris
Jun/24/2013, 2:32 pm Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 


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