Runboard.com
You're welcome.
Community logo






runboard.com       Sign up (learn about it) | Sign in (lost password?)

 
queenfisher Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Nothing changes


Nothing changes nothing
is the same blue shade the
sky a deep V outstretched
arms little beggars on the
left the ancient tree red
flowers yellow inside temple
on the right muddy canal
dark ash paper flowing white
caught at the edge three
crows circling the same sky
same place same window:

only the keyboard is new.

Your words fan flames
ignescent desire feeds me
commas curl around fingers
we walk hand-in-hand run
down apostrophes press
heavily on pause wait for
it to ring break into a song
I wring each line for rain
lick the words wet devour
sentence after sentence
me provoking:

you waiting to be…

Your silence beats drum-
beats deafening ear drums
eyes drop rain on the squeaky
clean board keys to my heart
windows to my soul no longer
form cohesive words lines
break letters little defeated
soldiers wait for the right
command shot through
the heart:

buckle at the knees.

Aug/26/2013, 3:27 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
Zakzzz5 Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: Nothing changes


queenfisher,

I converted the first stanza into a narrative form that made more sense to me, but only as a narrative rather than as a staccato series of images. Probably I reduced the meaning to something not palatable to you. Only did it as an exercise to see if the images could me converted into something sequential and with stronger links. So that's what I'm espousing, more linkage. Not necessarily destroying the meaning, which I assuredly did.

My problem with this poem is that the images are vibrant enough to negate the comment that nothing changes. In other words the images seem to be waiting to fly off the page. The comments about the keyboard and the apostrophes and commas seem out of place. Probably you could accomplish your intention without introducing those. Or conversely, you would have to go deeper into the world of typing, letters, grammar and so forth. Right now those words appear intrusive, and not in sync with your images of the temple, the blue sky, and the flowers.

Please disregard if I missed the point. I enjoyed the beginning stanza in particular, and feel like there's more coming. Zak

Nothing changes the blue shade sky
where on the edge three
crows circle the same sky
same place same window;
Where little beggar arms
left of the ancient tree
flower inside the temple
on the right of a muddy canal;
Dark ash paper flows white

Your words fan flames
ignescent desire feeds me
commas curl around fingers
we walk hand-in-hand run
down apostrophes press
heavily on pause wait for
it to ring break into a song
I wring each line for rain
lick the words wet devour
sentence after sentence
me provoking:

you waiting to be…

Your silence beats drum-
beats deafening ear drums
eyes drop rain on the squeaky
clean board keys to my heart
windows to my soul no longer
form cohesive words lines
break letters little defeated
soldiers wait for the right
command shot through
the heart:

buckle at the knees.
Aug/27/2013, 8:05 am Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
Christine98 Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: Nothing changes


hi queen,

I am struck by the sense of on-rushing energy in this. The vivid images and line breaks which cause them to rush after one another. Anyway the energy is palpable and doesn't flag.

The first two lines: "Nothing changes nothing/ is the same..." convey how the constant element is change itself.

I'm wondering if "you" is some aspect of the narrator rather than another...

If you care to say more about the inspiration for--or meaning of--the poem, I'd love to know,

Chris
Aug/27/2013, 9:22 am Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
queenfisher Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: Nothing changes


dear zak

thanks for reading, the comments & suggestions.

it's wonderful to get two contradictory responses - & interesting to read the word 'sense' in both, in the very first line -with different connotations.

'I converted the first stanza into a narrative form that made more sense to me'

& christine's:

'I am struck by the sense of on-rushing energy in this'

i quite understand your difficulity in making sense but my attempt was to keep it disjointed with a staccato beat & do away with words like 'where' & 'which' words that are too self-explainatory. would love to let the readers get the sense of it (if there's any - i hope there is!)

the dichotomy of nothing changes & nothing is the same - is difficult to explain. i wanted 'is the same' to run into 'blue shade' & so on.

but if i were to paraphraze it - it might read something like this:

Nothing changes nothing is the same
blue shade the sky, a deep V,
outstretched arms little beggars'
on the left, the ancient tree.
Red flowers, yellow inside,
temple on the right, muddy canal,
dark ash, paper flowing white.
Caught at the edge three crows,
circling the same sky,
same place, same window:

i've just added punctuation & diff line breaks but to explain further:

the blue sky appears like a deep V (as seen from N's window) - the outstreached arms like little beggers are the branches of the ancient tree on which are red flowers whose insides are yellow. there's a temple on the right, next to it is a muddy canal whose waters are like dark ash, with white paper flowing. caught at the edge of the V are three crows circling etc etc.
 
& from watching the scene outside - N shifts focus - to the computer screen. there's a complete change of scenery perhaps that's why it doesn't appear in sync with the images of the temple, sky etc. On the screen are just words - lines written & the effect it has on N.

what's seen on the comp screen & the emotions felt is the heart of the matter! if i do away with that they'll just be the temple the sky & the muddy canal left!
Aug/28/2013, 2:01 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
queenfisher Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: Nothing changes


dear christine

the clarity of thought in your comments - makes me see the poem in greater clarity.

thanks for the very incisive observation of nothing changes...

as i said - N is on the computer table overlooking a large window & describing that section of the scenery that is visible

& then goes back to the computer screen.

N has been doing the same thing for many days - watching almost the same scenery (maybe more or less crows) & the same words / lines on the comp screen trying to make the most of it! till each comma, pause, apostrophe has a life of it's own.

the 'you' is another.

& the last stanza is somewhat despondent - N is unable to write & the letters collapse like defeated soldiers.

the whole scenario will repeat itself - the same table, the same screen, the same scene:

only the keyboard is new - a delibrate attempt to break the flow. which is required at the end of each stanza due to the onrush!

it's a kind of a love poem.

thanks for your wonderful reponse!
Aug/28/2013, 2:23 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
Christine98 Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: Nothing changes


Yes, I can see how the "you" can be another and
how it can be read as a love poem.

Thanks for your explanation, queen,

Chris
Aug/28/2013, 6:32 pm Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
Zakzzz5 Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: Nothing changes


queenfisher,

Yes, I suppose my working with it was too conventional. I was working for the linkages, but probably worked against the grain rather than with it. Zak

quote:

queenfisher wrote:

dear zak

thanks for reading, the comments & suggestions.

it's wonderful to get two contradictory responses - & interesting to read the word 'sense' in both, in the very first line -with different connotations.

'I converted the first stanza into a narrative form that made more sense to me'

& christine's:

'I am struck by the sense of on-rushing energy in this'

i quite understand your difficulity in making sense but my attempt was to keep it disjointed with a staccato beat & do away with words like 'where' & 'which' words that are too self-explainatory. would love to let the readers get the sense of it (if there's any - i hope there is!)

the dichotomy of nothing changes & nothing is the same - is difficult to explain. i wanted 'is the same' to run into 'blue shade' & so on.

but if i were to paraphraze it - it might read something like this:

Nothing changes nothing is the same
blue shade the sky, a deep V,
outstretched arms little beggars'
on the left, the ancient tree.
Red flowers, yellow inside,
temple on the right, muddy canal,
dark ash, paper flowing white.
Caught at the edge three crows,
circling the same sky,
same place, same window:

i've just added punctuation & diff line breaks but to explain further:

the blue sky appears like a deep V (as seen from N's window) - the outstreached arms like little beggers are the branches of the ancient tree on which are red flowers whose insides are yellow. there's a temple on the right, next to it is a muddy canal whose waters are like dark ash, with white paper flowing. caught at the edge of the V are three crows circling etc etc.
 
& from watching the scene outside - N shifts focus - to the computer screen. there's a complete change of scenery perhaps that's why it doesn't appear in sync with the images of the temple, sky etc. On the screen are just words - lines written & the effect it has on N.

what's seen on the comp screen & the emotions felt is the heart of the matter! if i do away with that they'll just be the temple the sky & the muddy canal left!



Aug/30/2013, 3:56 am Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
Terreson Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: Nothing changes


I too am caught up in the poem's onrush of energy, its kinetic energy. Line breaks could be cleaner I think, better convey poem's sense, especially as punctuation is pretty much eschewed. At least, that is a trick I often use, letting the line break do the job of a comma, even of a semi-colon. But then I approach punctuation differently from most, used for purposes of musical notation.

Where the poem doesn't work for me is its attention to punctuation itself viewed as material means. Odd that a poem eschewing punctuation should end up a poem about punctuation. So really the poem seems to be about what is going on between N and the computer screen, not at all about the window view, that only being a mis en scene. Not sure about this, Queen. Not sure about means and motive.

Tere
Sep/7/2013, 10:16 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
Katlin Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: Nothing changes


Hi queenfisher,

I immediately read this as being about an online correspondence and relationship, one that begins in excitement and hope but ends in broken off communication and pain.

One of my favorite quotes is the French for: "The more things change, the more they stay the same." That's how I'm reading the first stanza. At first "the nothing changes" refers to the outside world, and "the nothing stays the same" refers to the inner world of the N's heart.

The new keyboard could be literal or figurative or both. The first part of S3 indicates to me that the two correspondents are both writers. I think that's what the lines about punctuation are trying to convey. Then there are the lines that speak of the growing passion between them:

"I wring each line for rain
lick the words wet devour
sentence after sentence
me provoking:

you waiting to be…"

The ending happens quickly in S5. I was surprised by the soldiers entering the poem, but I'm guessing it was the drums that brought them to mind. The only line I don't think works is the cliché: "windows to my soul". The keys to the heart line works for me because of the use of "the squeaky
clean board" as modifiers. If there was a way to put a new slant on "windows to my soul", it could work for me.

Now I come back to the beginning of the poem and look at the lines "Nothing changes nothing/is the same" again and find they reverberate with an added layer of meaning.

Well, that's my reading anyway. I didn't read this as "a kind of love poem" but as a love poem and enjoyed it as such.
Sep/17/2013, 3:16 pm Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
carolinex Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: Nothing changes


Hi

For me, the first stanza feels too disconnected to the rest of the poem unless there were more connection made. Yet, the first stanza is my favorite part, it is a little gem.

Enjoy the style.

Caroline

Sep/18/2013, 8:50 pm Link to this post Send PM to carolinex
 
queenfisher Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: Nothing changes


dear tere

thanks for your thoughts!
you're right about the line breaks - could be cleaner. will work on it.

loved your comment:

Odd that a poem eschewing punctuation should end up a poem about punctuation. !!!

very odd indeed! now that i look at it in that light!

about the means & motive - maybe N has nothing to hold on to excpet the words / lines / punctuation on the screen.

Sep/19/2013, 1:19 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
queenfisher Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: Nothing changes


dear katlin

thank you so much for such a careful read!

your clarity of vision - the ability to read not only the lines but between - & the ability to express it just as clearly - simply amazes me!

& the sympathetic ear that you lend to each piece - is our greatest reward! makes all that writing worthwhile!

it's exactly as you say it is - & i'm glad you enjoyed it!

just as 'keys' to my heart alludes to the keyboard

'windows' to my soul - alludes to or is a pun on the windows of the computer world - i think 'windows' was coined by Bill Gates company? a brilliant term - as it is an opening to the outside world!

Sep/19/2013, 1:41 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
queenfisher Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: Nothing changes


dear caroline

yes the disconnection...i suppose it's looking out & looking in! - two sides of the window!

glad you like the first stanza - yes i was trying a different style - if i was more adept with computers - would love to write poems in all kinds of crazy formats! as i've seen some do with great success!

thanks for reading!
Sep/19/2013, 1:52 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
Katlin Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: Nothing changes


'windows' to my soul - alludes to or is a pun on the windows of the computer world - i think 'windows' was coined by Bill Gates company? a brilliant term - as it is an opening to the outside world!

Ah, I totally missed that connection, which is so ironic in light of the fact that I've been spending a lot of time recently trying to learn Windows 8. lol
Sep/19/2013, 9:41 am Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 


Add a reply





You are not logged in (login)