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carolinex Profile
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View Finder (spider tweaked)


I pilgrimage to a city park
daily, my body's quest
for a return, and witness

tiny miracles. Gnats hover
in a limelight, commune
like one soul. Bumble bees
bzzz on a lavender mission.

A leaf is not a leaf is
a butterfly risen, floating
silence. A spider weaves
fatal lace.

Hiding inside greenery, a nest
of round luminance, shiny
new worlds.


original post:

I pilgrimage to a city park
daily, my body's quest
for a return, and witness

tiny miracles. Gnats hover
in a limelight, commune
like one soul. Bumble bees
bzzz on a lavender mission.

A leaf is not a leaf is
a butterfly risen, floating
silence. A spider unwraps
diaphanous lace. Hiding

inside greenery, a nest
of round luminance, shiny
new worlds.

Last edited by carolinex, Sep/25/2013, 11:31 am
Sep/14/2013, 10:44 pm Link to this post Send PM to carolinex
 
arkava Profile
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Re: View Finder


hey cx,

you hooked me at "a leaf is not a leaf is" wow! there's a give and take here. nature and the convalescing mind/ body. (the gnat mention put me in mind of a ted hughes poem ('the gnats are their own sun')) that way it's also a secret process. cellular but not automatic. a world of promise and faith. round luminance. another beaut.

thanks
arka



quote:

carolinex wrote:

I pilgrimage to a city park
daily, my body's quest
for a return, and witness

tiny miracles. Gnats hover
in a limelight, commune
like one soul. Bumble bees
bzzz on a lavender mission.

A leaf is not a leaf is
a butterfly risen, floating
silence. A spider unwraps
diaphanous lace. Hiding

inside greenery, a nest
of round luminance, shiny
new worlds.



Sep/15/2013, 1:00 pm Link to this post Send Email to arkava   Send PM to arkava Blog
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: View Finder


hi caroline,

This poem is beautifully crafted beginning with the word choices and line breaks in S1: I pilgrimage/daily...quest/return,and witness Then delivers the heightened experience it promises.

I kept verging on a pronouncement of OTT...but never quite tipped. I agree with arka re:"a leaf is not a leaf."

I did balk at the spider unwrapping "diaphanous lace"...but spiders' webs creep me out so take that with a grain of salt.

Chris



Sep/16/2013, 9:09 am Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: View Finder


Hi Caroline,

I agree with arka and Chris that this a beautifully crafted poem. I like it because the tone is humble and precise with just enough of the unexpected ("in a limelight", "lavender mission", "round luminance" ) to convey a sense of heightened awareness and perception. The "leaf that is not a leaf" image is wonderfully done, and the poem as a whole makes for a lovely read.
Sep/16/2013, 3:51 pm Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
carolinex Profile
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Re: View Finder


Hi (once again!) -

Many thanks for the thoughtful comments from each of you about my urban sanctuary. I seldom manage to express things this positively but I love this park.

The butterfly looks just like a leaf when it is on a bush, I hadn't thought about that until really looking. How can summer be ending?

I wish I had a way to show the spider web photo. I don't think it would make you cringe Chris. I will think about "lace" though.



Sep/16/2013, 9:19 pm Link to this post Send PM to carolinex
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: View Finder


Good to be able to read a poem of yours again. It has been awhile. I well remember your marked talent for the collage. Can't help but read your poem in a way similar to what you make in your visuals. I can agree with what has been said about it upthread. But for how I respond to your visuals not sure I have anything to add. Except maybe how the poem manages to find whole, what?, hidden solar systems maybe in a small green space. For me that's the big thing.

Tere
Sep/21/2013, 2:29 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
carolinex Profile
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Re: View Finder (one change)


I did make a possible change to the spider line! Thinking about what Chis said.


Hi Tere,

And I am glad to hear from you again. Thank you for your thoughts. It's great how I can be gone for a while and return and always feel welcome.

I'm not making collage this year but dabbling in a lot of thing:. photography, tiny clay sculpture, little boxes with odd contents, paper mache, earrings, I just bought an old Kenmore sewing machine. . .
and of course poetry. Maybe I was better at collage but I got tired of it. I don't know what I'm making but I'm making!




Last edited by carolinex, Sep/22/2013, 3:50 pm
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Christine98 Profile
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Re: View Finder (one change)


hi caroline,

fwiw, I like the first version of the poem better--it reads smoother. Is the spider unwrapping some creature who got caught in the web? or is this a description of the spider weaving the web? I don't think the poem needs editing to clarify that, I'm just curious.

Chris
Sep/24/2013, 8:52 am Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
carolinex Profile
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Re: View Finder (spider tweaked)


Thanks much Chris, it is nice to hear back from you on this. I was thinking of the spider creating the web.

I'm still thinking about "fatal lace" vs "diaphanous lace". Fatal might ruin the tone of the piece but it is more real.

Last edited by carolinex, Sep/24/2013, 12:35 pm
Sep/24/2013, 12:26 pm Link to this post Send PM to carolinex
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: View Finder (spider tweaked)


hi caroline,

I like that the web is both fatal and diaphanous. Nature's gorgeous, predatory design...what's love got to do with it?

Chris
Sep/24/2013, 2:19 pm Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: View Finder (spider tweaked)


Hi Caroline,

I like the change to fatal lace, but I prefer uwraps to weaves. Not sure it would work if you wrote: "a spider unwraps/ fatal lace"?

Also, I miss the line and stanza break you had in the orginal:

"silence. A spider unwraps
diaphanous lace. Hiding

inside greenery, a nest"

Would you consider this tweak:

"silence. A spider weaves
fatal lace. Hiding

inside greenery, a nest
of round luminance, shiny"
Sep/27/2013, 9:07 am Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
Zakzzz5 Profile
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Re: View Finder (spider tweaked)


caroline,

My two cents; I like the original with unwraps diaphanous lace. It had a greater expansiveness to it. The revision makes it more compact, but more rigid somehow. But then I don't fear spiders; I don't find them any more dangerous than I do cars, and some cars I find beautiful. Just a perspective, I guess. Yes, spiders can be dangerous, as just about anything in this world: beautiful knives, beautiful guns, beautiful mountains: they can all kill us. Now I'm preaching. 'Nough said. Liked the poem but the ending is problematical. Possibly because it's not directly clear that it's about the spider's web. Zak

quote:

carolinex wrote:

I pilgrimage to a city park
daily, my body's quest
for a return, and witness

tiny miracles. Gnats hover
in a limelight, commune
like one soul. Bumble bees
bzzz on a lavender mission.

A leaf is not a leaf is
a butterfly risen, floating
silence. A spider weaves
fatal lace.

Hiding inside greenery, a nest
of round luminance, shiny
new worlds.


original post:

I pilgrimage to a city park
daily, my body's quest
for a return, and witness

tiny miracles. Gnats hover
in a limelight, commune
like one soul. Bumble bees
bzzz on a lavender mission.

A leaf is not a leaf is
a butterfly risen, floating
silence. A spider unwraps
diaphanous lace. Hiding

inside greenery, a nest
of round luminance, shiny
new worlds.



Sep/30/2013, 6:32 am Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
carolinex Profile
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Re: View Finder (spider tweaked)


The problem for me is that I don't want to get into the eating of the insect. Chris brought up the thought that the way I wrote it originally could refer to the spider spinning the web or unwrapping the insect to eat it.

I've just done some spider eating research and it does not appear that they unwrap before they eat. The details are very gory and enough to make me feel ill. The first step is that they vomit digestive juice over the prey . . . I will spare you from the rest for your own research if interested.

Given this information, I could go back to the original.

Yes, Kaitlin, thanks for sending me back to the previous line break! When I start making things worse is a good time to stop or take a break!

Zak, the last line is no longer meant to be about the spider. To put it in plain language, I was noticing how beautiful the light looks at it strikes the bushes. I lreally ike how Tere saw it "hidden solar systems maybe in a small green space. "

Thank you each of you!
Sep/30/2013, 12:57 pm Link to this post Send PM to carolinex
 
queenfisher Profile
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Re: View Finder (spider tweaked)


dear caroline

you've brought out to the open - little miracles that go unnoticed in this big busy complex noisy world.

an etherial quality to the poem

& yes 'that leaf is not a leaf...' is a beautiful picture!
Oct/25/2013, 3:41 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 


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