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carolinex Profile
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Bad Pack (revised again)


Bad Girl

I stole my parent's menthol cigarettes
learned to inhale, to ignore
the lung's hacking alarm,
and turned into

Dragon Girl,
who exhaled through nostrils,
puffed perfect rings out
the bathroom window.
Who became

Farewell Girl,
without religion or future,
who survived on mango
ice cream, stole grandmother's
pills, drank from a keg
and rode bicycles.

Girl of Ashes,
let them fall into a pillow
soaked in the bathroom sink
too quickly, tossed outside.

Girl of Fire,
convinced with lies.

Runaway Girl,
partied with boys in the woods,
shocked tongue on tongue.

Log Girl,
with whisky breath,
fell asleep by the creek
where frogs were oblivious.

All to belong to the pack.



plural version:

The Pack

Bad Pack

One youthful summer,
I joined a pack of

Bad Girls
who stole our parent's menthol cigarettes
learned to inhale, to ignore
the lung's hacking alarm,
and turned into

Dragon Girls,
who exhaled through nostrils,
puffed perfect rings out
the bathroom window.
Who became

Farewell Girls,
without religion or future,
who survived on mango
ice cream, stole grandmother's
pills, drank from a keg
and rode bicycles.

Girls of Ashes,
let them fall into a pillow doused
too quickly, tossed outside.

Girls of Fire,
convinced with lies.

Runaway Girls,
partied with boys in the woods,
shocked tongue on tongue.

Log Girls,
with whisky breath, fell
asleep by the creek where frogs
were oblivious.

Today the Girl with Nicotine Eyes,
forced to toke outside, spews toxins
like gravel.

I hurry past, hold,
breath, remains of purity,
transformed, but without
apparatus to repair damages.
I,

Canary Crone
with fractured wing.

Last edited by carolinex, Dec/28/2013, 9:06 pm
Oct/26/2013, 2:45 pm Link to this post Send PM to carolinex
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: Bad Pack


hi caroline,

Vivid, original images. Can't find a nit to pick.

Chris
Oct/27/2013, 9:56 am Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
carolinex Profile
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Re: Bad Pack


Thank you Christine. I was having doubts about this poem as someone told me that they felt each stanza needed more detail, suggesting each one could be its own poem.

For that reason, I revised it to make each stanza the plural "we" and I'm not sure if I like that better or not. Curious what you'd think?

My earlier version went like this:

quote:

Dragon Girl exhaled through her nostrils
and puffed perfect rings out
the bathroom window.

Farewell Girl, without a religion
or future, survived on mango
ice cream, stole grandmother's pills,
drank a six pack and still rode
her bicycle.

Girl of Ashes let them fall
into a pillow doused too quickly,
tossed out back. She became
Girl of Fire, with convincing lies.

Log Girl, with whisky on her breath, fell
asleep by the creek, where frogs
were oblivious to rape. . .
Oct/27/2013, 12:01 pm Link to this post Send PM to carolinex
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: Bad Pack


Hi Caroline,

This is a very different, potentially difficult, topic, and I like the way you've approached it. My first thought after reading the poem: I wonder if you need the first stanza? I see that your earlier version did not include it, and I'm inclined to recommend you drop it. I prefer the first person narrator in the original to the revised "we", but I like the additional final two stanzas in the revision (if that's what the ellipsis indicates?). I think the last two lines of the poem, in particular, are very strong.

Perhaps you might consider a third version which incorporates some of both earlier versions? Just my 2 cents, of course!
Thanks for posting the provocative read.
Oct/28/2013, 3:51 pm Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
carolinex Profile
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Re: Bad Pack


Hi Kaitlin,

 I was only showing the part I had changed in the thread. But I've tried a revise as you suggest to see how it looks w/out the first stanza and back to the original singular format.

This would change the poem as I intended it. I wanted it to be about a pack of girls who influence each other to be "bad". This way it reads like just one girl (the narrator?) Maybe I need to come up with a new first stanza.

Thank you!!
Nov/1/2013, 6:07 pm Link to this post Send PM to carolinex
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: Bad Pack


Hey Caroline,

The fact that the revision, based on my suggestions, changes what you intended for the poem makes me feel uneasy, as does the fact that Chris had no nits with the first version you posted here. I would hate for you to change the poem based on my (one) reading, so I hope others will weigh in. It's a cliché, but as a general rule of thumb I would say: when in doubt, go with your gut.
Nov/3/2013, 8:26 am Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
carolinex Profile
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Re: Bad Pack


Playing with this made me realize how much the influence of the pack is involved. Maybe that is missing, maybe that would be a new first stanza.

My gut feeling is I don't know! Hows that? emoticon

Not to worry about your influences. I welcome ideas and especially appreciate yours.
Nov/3/2013, 11:35 am Link to this post Send PM to carolinex
 
arkava Profile
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Re: Bad Pack


Voting for the revision Caroline. Definitely.
Nov/5/2013, 10:34 pm Link to this post Send Email to arkava   Send PM to arkava Blog
 
queenfisher Profile
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Re: Bad Pack


dear caroline

running with the bad pack!

very interesting

i wonder how it would sound if the style was changed:

Dragon girl:
learned to inhale vapors
ignored lungs hacking alarm
exhaled through nostrils
puffed perfect rings out the bathroom window

Farewell girl:
without religion no future
survived on mango ice cream
stole grandmother's pills
drank a six pack still rode her bicycle

or something to the effect, i'm not doing this well but what if the format is more stylish or stylized?

the last stanza:

Canary Crone:
I
with fractured wing.

rather like the sound of the last stanza

Nov/6/2013, 5:03 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
carolinex Profile
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Re: Bad Pack


Thanks Arka, Queen.

More votes welcome!

I am still stuck on the plural/singular issue. I have tried adding a new first stanza.

I like your idea of playing more with the formatting Queen.

Best,

Caroline
Nov/13/2013, 11:44 pm Link to this post Send PM to carolinex
 
Zakzzz5 Profile
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Re: Bad Pack


While I found the revision interesting, with the parenthesis and all, I prefer the more direct approach of the original -- going directly at Dragon girl.

It seems to me that all the girls are really only one girl, is that right? There was a little clumsiness in going from one image, or type of girl to the next. You might be able to make it more cohesive, coherent, if you intend it all to be one girl. I liked the poem, though. It's a world I'm not that familiar with, since I was afraid of girls as a teenager. For me, it's a different world, and so I enjoyed reading your poem. Zak
Nov/16/2013, 7:16 am Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
arkava Profile
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Re: Bad Pack


quote:

It's a world I'm not that familiar with, since I was afraid of girls as a teenager



Ha. I remember a girl praised my wristwatch at class one day. I didn't know what to do. Palpitations. Meeting Dragon girl would have possibly killed me.
Nov/16/2013, 8:29 am Link to this post Send Email to arkava   Send PM to arkava Blog
 
carolinex Profile
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Re: Bad Pack


Hi Zak,

The problem in my mind is that no, they are the group of girls being bad together. It is like a gang, a lot more trouble in numbers. But maybe reads better as one girl acting out on her own.

I've posted a singular and a plural version but I'm gonna put this one aside for a little while now. The great thing about poetry, plenty of others to peck over. . .

--
Ya Arka, she would have blown some smoke at you and knocked you down! (Just kidding)

If it makes you feel better, I can still be afraid of males.

Thanks everyone for feedback!

Last edited by carolinex, Nov/16/2013, 8:29 pm
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Terreson Profile
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Re: Bad Pack


This is good. This is why I come to poetry, first and last. What you call the plural version is the one I'ld keep with.

Tere
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carolinex Profile
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Re: Bad Pack (revised again)


Hi Tere hello -

Thank you for appearing and the little boost I always can use!

I did come up with another possible change that I posted. Whack off the old ending and add a short line about the pack.
Nov/29/2013, 2:47 pm Link to this post Send PM to carolinex
 
Zakzzz5 Profile
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Re: Bad Pack (revised again)


Caroline,

Did we reply to your latest revision. Can't tell which is the last revision. Maybe if indicated: Original and Revision (1 or two, or whatever). Just a thought. I was going to look at it. Zak
Dec/21/2013, 6:45 am Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: Bad Pack (revised again)


hi Caroline,

I vote for the plural version too. I'm going to the ibpc thread and nom it for January. Let me know if that's OK in the nom thread,

Chris
Dec/21/2013, 9:44 am Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
carolinex Profile
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Re: Bad Pack (revised again)


Hi Zak,

Thanks for asking. I have been considering both of the posted versions. I've had some response to the newer, the top one but yours is welcome! That is the cool thing about this little site, that poems do get such attention.

I sort of miss the Canary Crone in the plural version but I have other poems ending with "wing" so I was feeling that is become a sort of fall-back for me. Also, I felt maybe it was better for the poem to stay in the past? And that the last line about the pack addresses what I wanted to about this being peer pressure behavior.

Hi Christine,
Thank you for the vote. As I wrote int the other thread, maybe not quite ready. I would like to hear from you why you prefer the plural version?

Last edited by carolinex, Dec/21/2013, 10:46 pm
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Christine98 Profile
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Re: Bad Pack (revised again)


hi caroline,

mostly I prefer the ending of the plural version, starting with the Girl with Nicotine Eyes. Also prefer Canary Crone as opposed to "They all belong to the pack," which strikes me heavy handed.

I can see how you might want to let this percolate a while longer.

Chris
Dec/22/2013, 9:24 am Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
carolinex Profile
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Re: Bad Pack (revised again)


Thank you Chris! I will let this set and keep your thoughts for later reflection.
Dec/22/2013, 3:30 pm Link to this post Send PM to carolinex
 
Bernie01 Profile
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Re: Bad Pack (revised again)


C---

original, fresh and heartbreaking.

ride either version into the IBPC winner's circle. my vote is for singular.

two things---Dorianne Laux and a wonderful performance artist in England---Patience Agbabi.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G0N3en26bEs

Laux begins her poem:

quote:

We were afraid of everything: earthquakes,
strangers, smoke above the canyon, the fire
that would come running and eat up our house,
the Claymore girls, big-boned, rough, razor blades
tucked in the ratted hair. We were terrified

of polio, tuberculosis, being found out, the tent
full of boys two blocks over,




and ends:

quote:

The French Kiss, the profound
silence of dead fish, burning sand, rotting elastic
in the waistbands of our underpants, jellyfish, riptides,
eucalyptus bark unraveling, the pink flesh beneath
the stink of seaweed, seagulls landing near our feet,
their hateful eyes, their orange-tipped beaks stabbing
the sand, the crumbling edge of the continent we stood on,
waiting to be saved, the endless, wind-driven waves.




it's the driving, personal voice in both poems---and yours.

the hurt, the insight, the youthfulness---

might try Cortland Literary Review---they will record the poem with their reader or in your voice.

bernie






Last edited by Bernie01, Dec/23/2013, 7:18 am


---
Fall

Bob Grenier: the leaves / falling / out of the / water by the / table
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carolinex Profile
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Re: Bad Pack (revised again)


I just realized that the revised (singular) version I had posted was not my last revised version. So anyway, this is where I had last left the poem. . .

Hi Bernie,
 
Thanks for those links. Both so awesome!!!!!!!!
I'm glad you like my little poem too.

Cortland Review also a really nice online journal. I've just been playing around a bit with recording with Garage Band on my computer. Actually, I tried singing first just to see if my singing might sound any better than I thought and it doesn't! But its cool to practice reading and hear how you sound.
Dec/28/2013, 9:12 pm Link to this post Send PM to carolinex
 


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