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libramoon Profile
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Salience


Salience


Security, blue jeans’ soft structure.
Firm legs, resolve fluctuates;
icy rain films like noir.
Surreal reverberation, subconscious noise.
Cold walk. Glare pavement.
Shadow a comfort, companion in
adventure. Smell of condensation,
scent of danger.
Silent echoes. Out of sync
montage.
Remember you told me. I told me.
Mountains beg to be climbed.
But at peak there’s descent, and
back in town there’s the rent,
and it’s endless, the grime, the grind.
I tried. Maybe my effort was ungainly,
blind grasp of transient reward.
Too little kind; too much abhorred --
a story my mind explores, re-explores,
to escape.
Soggy, chill, imploring sleep,
yet hyper vigilant. No blame.
Any available focus impels forward.


January 6, 2014
Jan/6/2014, 10:33 pm Link to this post Send Email to libramoon   Send PM to libramoon Blog
 
queenfisher Profile
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Re: Salience


some great lines here libra which i've enjoyed:

Cold walk. Glare pavement.
Shadow a comfort, companion in
adventure. Smell of condensation,
scent of danger.
Silent echoes. Out of sync

Mountains beg to be climbed.
But at peak there’s descent, and
back in town there’s the rent,
and it’s endless, the grime, the grind.
I tried

Soggy, chill, imploring sleep,
yet hyper vigilant. No blame.
Jan/8/2014, 2:44 am Link to this post Send Email to queenfisher   Send PM to queenfisher Blog
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: Salience


hi libra,

I really like the first line; it feels right to me. I also enjoyed the sketchbook-like way this is written. By that I mean, the almost shorthand way the N proceeds. For example: "Cold walk. Glare pavement." The way it's used here, this style enhances the intimate feel of the inner dialogue (that is also addressed to a "you"). The description "Out of sync/montage." is a wonderful way to describe how memory/remembering works.

The phrase "No blame" reminds me of the I Ching. Once I had that association in mind, the final line took on the same flavor: "Any available focus impels forward." Then, on second read, so did these lines:

I tried. Maybe my effort was ungainly,
blind grasp of transient reward.
Too little kind; too much abhorred --
a story my mind explores, re-explores,
to escape.

You've done a good job capturing the way we sometimes view and re-view our actions in an attempt to come to a semblace of resolution. I enjoyed the read.
Jan/8/2014, 10:50 am Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
Zakzzz5 Profile
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Re: Salience


libra,

"blind grasp of transient reward.
Too little kind; too much abhorred --
a story my mind explores, re-explores,"

I like the ending sounds of these three lines. They are shared sounds and the third one opens up the previous two. Good work.

"Cold walk. Glare pavement." also sets up a definite feel, a definite experience.

There is something sensual, if not sexual, in the first two lines, and I would like to see that developed in a character in another poem. I feel there's a character there fighting to come out into the open.

The poem appears to be more than the struggle to climb. There's introspection and self-questioning. A couple of lines seem to stop me to wonder about them; possibly asking the reader to come back. Zak


quote:

libramoon wrote:

Salience


Security, blue jeans’ soft structure.
Firm legs, resolve fluctuates;
icy rain films like noir.
Surreal reverberation, subconscious noise.
Cold walk. Glare pavement.
Shadow a comfort, companion in
adventure. Smell of condensation,
scent of danger.
Silent echoes. Out of sync
montage.
Remember you told me. I told me.
Mountains beg to be climbed.
But at peak there’s descent, and
back in town there’s the rent,
and it’s endless, the grime, the grind.
I tried. Maybe my effort was ungainly,
blind grasp of transient reward.
Too little kind; too much abhorred --
a story my mind explores, re-explores,
to escape.
Soggy, chill, imploring sleep,
yet hyper vigilant. No blame.
Any available focus impels forward.


January 6, 2014



Jan/8/2014, 12:20 pm Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
libramoon Profile
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Re: Salience


Wow! Thanks for all the great reviews here!

I guess my inner monologue speaks well.
Jan/8/2014, 4:00 pm Link to this post Send Email to libramoon   Send PM to libramoon Blog
 


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