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Meenas Profile
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Jack and Jill



 
Jack and Jill
went up the hill
goes the rhyme
in all its chime.
 
The way they went up to fetch a pail of water
tells us there was shortage of water
in those places less hotter
the ancient age faced hardships also matters
 
Brush not the nursery rhyme as simple
it illustrates with an example
Jack fell down in a tumble
and broke his crown in a fumble.
 
Water has turned a rare commodity
with the global warming in the vicinity
foretold in the song of infinity
a caution which signifies great curiosity.

 
Apr/14/2014, 11:30 am Link to this post Send Email to Meenas   Send PM to Meenas Blog
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: Jack and Jill


Hi Meenas and welcome to delectablemnts!

Thank you for posting your poem; I'll be back with comments but wanted to welcome you and encourage you to look around--your comments on others' posts are also most welcome,

Chris
Apr/15/2014, 3:16 pm Link to this post Send Email to Christine98   Send PM to Christine98
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: Jack and Jill


Welcome to the board, Meenas. Looking forward to getting to know your poetry.

I like the idea of this poem. And, agreed. In fairy tales, nursery rhymes, and such, there are always the layers and layered stories. Prosodically, poem doesn't quite work for me. End rhyme schemes are difficult to pull off successfully. Such schemes can sit lively on the ear or deadening. Quatrain 3 is the only one in which rhyme choice comes across in the lively way. You might also want to give more attention to meter, to stress and rest, so to speak.

Thanks for posting. Look forward to more poems and any thoughts you might have.

Tere
Apr/19/2014, 2:15 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 


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