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RC James Profile
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Echoes


The title, "Distances" was wrong on this, my fault. This is a revision of "Echoes" the correct title.

The canyon echoes you in, returns your shout
as breath of day, night’s exhalation fortified
with travel, open tones like questions
dart past their origins too fast to realize
the strength of repetition.

I have echoed you over cliffs alive
past my abilities to translate.
In consummate return you’ve sent
clouds spiraling, an awakening,
as I taste your sounds ricocheting
through this ravine inside me now,
in endless reprise.





(original)
One canyon after another echoes you in,
 the shout was breath of your day, night’s
 exhalation. It comes back fortified
 with travel, ringing open tones, a question
 darting past its origins too fast to see
 the possibilities of repetition.

 I have echoed well placed wails
 beyond my abilities to translate. Repeatedly,
 your echoes into the next century,
 spiral through clouds awakening.
 You’ve shown me sound waves
 tasting gorges and ravines, ricocheting
 inside me now, in endless reprise.


Last edited by RC James, Oct/22/2014, 5:09 pm
Sep/18/2014, 3:01 am Link to this post Send Email to RC James   Send PM to RC James Blog
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: Distances


First, welcome to the board, RC. I apologize for taking so long to give you feed back.

I get the poem's conceit, or, if you rather, its metaphor. But I'm afraid it's not working for me. Too conceptual, by which I mean too much the product of a concept. Not sensual enough for me, by which I mean too much the product of the whole body. While I can get what you are after, I can't sense or feel it.

I would suggest going objective corelative with all of the emotional state packed in one gorge, one ravine, one canyon. In other words localize what the poem is after.

Look forward to reading more of your poetry.

Tere
Oct/18/2014, 2:09 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
RC James Profile
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Re: Echoes


Terreson - Your points make sense, I revised accordingly, Cheers, Richard
Oct/22/2014, 5:37 pm Link to this post Send Email to RC James   Send PM to RC James Blog
 
Zakzzz5 Profile
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Re: Echoes


RC,

I believe you did improve the poem. "the strength of repetition" is better than "the possibilities of repetition". You took out "into the next century" -- an improvement. There are others. "I taste your sounds" doesn't work for me. "Taste" is hard for me to grasp, but that might just be me if no one else has a problem with it. Thanks for posting. Zak
Mar/21/2015, 6:48 am Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: Echoes


Sorry to take so long to get back to your poem. Yes indeed. Much improved. I can see it. And it speaks to my body. Yes. It sticks to me.

Pretty impressive, actually, how you took up again with it. Just differently.

Tere

Mar/28/2015, 1:41 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 


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