Runboard.com
You're welcome.
Community logo






runboard.com       Sign up (learn about it) | Sign in (lost password?)

 
deepwaters Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
A Daughter Waits for a Sign


Revision:

A Simple Dance Request

On the dark side of the moon, whispers
of the nurse undressed his yellow folds
traveling his skin, sliding against each other.

The smell of urine burst in to the room
as the dust danced to the spot light
from behind the pink curtain he hated.
His white-knuckled claws on the walker
let go, a bird flying into the wind,
he invited me to dance.

Now, I search for him in every fluffy cloud,
in between the flowers standing in a line
colorful and proper like women walking into a church
in every seed of pomegranate on winter solstice table
in every boy who invites me to dance
with sweaty trembling hands.


-----------------------
Original:
A Daughter Waits for a Sign

I stood in the dark circle of the moon
and watched nurse's soft whispers undress him.

When she walked out, the room was still filled
with the smell of urine. His soft skin traveled
in yellow folds that leaned against each other,
his swollen ankles' explosion of veins transparent.

Dancing dusts rushed to the spot light
from behind the pink curtain he hated.
His hands, white knuckled around the walker's
handles, let go - a bird flying into the wind,
he invited me to dance.

Now, I search for him in every passing cloud,
in flowers standing in a line, colorful and proper
like women streaming out of a church
on a Sunday morning, in every seed of pomegranate
on winter solstice table.



Last edited by deepwaters, Oct/29/2009, 10:40 pm
Jan/26/2009, 12:47 am Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
Dragon59 Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: A Daughter Waits for a Sign


A general comment on style is all I can really give you at the moment.

I've seen several of your poems posted here recently have in common a strong emotional current, almost violent at times, always highly-charged.

But that violence, that strong emotion, which appeals to me in each poem, seems set back behind a scrim of ordinary prose construction. Poetry doesn't have to use formal prose grammar. I think this recent set of poems could be even more powerful if you cut loose of the (prose) rules and stretched out a bit.

One poet I would encourage you to read, who does this sort of thing very well, is Jean Valentine. There is often an undercurrent of violence, energy, and passion in her poems, behind an apparently-still surface. But each poem is also pared down to its essence, as precise as a scalpel, with no extra words. So, we get some sentence fragments rather than full, grammatical sentences, here and there—but this serves only to make the poem more forceful, not less.

I'm not sure if you intend to use full prose grammar in your poetry, or if it is just habitual. I wouldn't presume to know. Yet I do feel as if you could heighten your poems by fine-tuning the style in which you write them. As I said, this is a stylistic question, so feel free to ignore it. Perhaps you have reasons for doing your style this way that I do not and cannot know about.

Hope this is even remotely useful to you.

Last edited by Dragon59, Jan/29/2009, 9:32 am


---
www.arthurdurkee.net
lcgallery.tv
artdurkee.blogspot.com
ruralplainsgay.blogspot.com
Jan/29/2009, 9:31 am Link to this post Send Email to Dragon59   Send PM to Dragon59
 
deepwaters Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: A Daughter Waits for a Sign


Dragon -

your post is very helpful to me. I was not trained as a poet or a writer in school. I have been more in science, and my final training was as a psycholinguist.

I know exactly what you are talking about. Thank you for making me aware of it and pointing me in the right direction.
-shab
Feb/3/2009, 11:07 pm Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
deepwaters Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: A Daughter Waits for a Sign


Friends -

I tried a revision, coming to the piece from a different angle. What do you think?

Thanks for your time.
-shabnam
Oct/29/2009, 10:41 pm Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
ChrisD1 Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: A Daughter Waits for a Sign


hi Shab,

It looks like you followed Dragon's advice and the poem is better, the powerful images and emotion they carry are freed from grammatical constraints.

I think using good crits to advantage is an art form in itself. One you seem to have mastered.

Cheers,

Chris
Oct/31/2009, 11:27 am Link to this post Send Email to ChrisD1   Send PM to ChrisD1
 
Terreson Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: A Daughter Waits for a Sign


Yes, Shabfriend, the revision makes for a much stronger, free standing poem. It begins and ends strong. Last line especially so. And I am struck by the tenderness of the portrait. Good stuff.

Tere
Oct/31/2009, 1:27 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
deepwaters Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: A Daughter Waits for a Sign


Chris and Tere -

Thank you both for revisiting this piece, and commenting. much appreciated.
-s
Oct/31/2009, 1:39 pm Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
Katlin Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: A Daughter Waits for a Sign


Yep, I agree this version of the poem is stronger, less formal, roomier.
  
I really like the line:

"in every seed of pomegranate on winter solstice table"

One line I liked bettter in the original is:

"in the dark circle of the moon" (as opposed to "On the dark side of the moon")

"fluffy cloud" strikes me as a cliche. I prefer "passing cloud" but think you might be able to find something even stronger.

FWIW, I also liked this line in the original:

"women streaming out of a church"

I thought if the flowers were blowing in the breeze, and all leaning in the same direction, the simile could work, but I can see why you went for a comparison that is more solemn, dignified.

HTH. If not, you know what to do. emoticon

Last edited by Katlin, Nov/2/2009, 4:27 pm
Oct/31/2009, 9:33 pm Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
Patricia Jones Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: A Daughter Waits for a Sign


You've honed this one to perfection, Shab...imho.

Beautiful, sad poem.

Pat

---
"Don't you worry--I ain't evil, I'm just bad".
~Chris Smither~
Nov/2/2009, 2:20 am Link to this post Send Email to Patricia Jones   Send PM to Patricia Jones
 
Katlin Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: A Daughter Waits for a Sign


Hi Shab,

It's me again. I thought about your poem today as I was out and about. The sky was startling, filled with big, beautiful fluffy clouds. It made me decide to retract my objection to fluffy cloud. Puffy cloud, now that would have been the cliche. emoticon
Nov/2/2009, 4:26 pm Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
deepwaters Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: A Daughter Waits for a Sign


Katlin-

Thank you for revisiting this.

quote:

Katlin wrote:
One line I liked bettter in the original is:

"in the dark circle of the moon" (as opposed to "On the dark side of the moon")



I agree. I wasn't pleased with dark circle myself. But someone pointed out to me that that is the name of an album by Pink Floyd (How unhip am I for not knowing that emoticon). Anyways, I didn't want any association to be evoked in the mind of the reader.

quote:

Katlin wrote:
"fluffy cloud" strikes me as a cliche. I prefer "passing cloud" but think you might be able to find something even stronger.



I know you retracted your fluffy comment, but I think there is room for improvement. Thanks for your sharp eye.


quote:

Katlin wrote:
"women streaming out of a church"

I thought if the flowers were blowing in the breeze, and all leaning in the same direction, the simile could work, but I can see why you went for a comparison that is more solemn, dignified.



Solemn and dignified wasn't really my intention. Now, I am not even sure why I changed the wording.

Thanks again for the help.
-s

Nov/10/2009, 1:55 pm Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
Katlin Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: A Daughter Waits for a Sign


quote:

But someone pointed out to me that that is the name of an album by Pink Floyd (How unhip am I for not knowing that ). Anyways, I didn't want any association to be evoked in the mind of the reader.



Yikes, color me unhip as well. emoticon
Nov/11/2009, 1:16 pm Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
deepwaters Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: A Daughter Waits for a Sign


Pat -

Thank you for your kind words. Sorry, I missed it earlier.


-------------------------------------
Kat-

I am in good company then.

-s
Nov/11/2009, 4:20 pm Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 


Add a reply





You are not logged in (login)