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SallyMaria Profile
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Of Lizards and White Horses


This is rough I know. Suggestions appreciated.


Of Lizards and White Horses

It's Winter now, the onions never grew.
I never learned how long to leave
sweet potatoes in the ground.

I watched the vines tangle,
flourish and die, figured it was time
and dug up brick walnuts.

I could hear you say to bury them
again. I didn't listen.

Last time I saw you we were in Alabama.
He wore you for years, left you at the bottom
of the laundry, then walked off into nowhere.
You were nowhere.

Another took you to Utah. I still
have the picture. You smiled your last
smile. I'm glad you couldn't see how strong wind
could be, how sagebrush would cover crops grown
in desert, I saw you lost.
You were nowhere.

In Atlanta you gave me your white horse
to guard me from the snake in my dreams
now the snake is gone,
he is nowhere.

I've got red tears burned on my face and want
to ask if calendula takes it away
but all I have is Josia, your horse,
who stands next to the rock where I sit,
without you.
Feb/1/2009, 1:22 am Link to this post Send Email to SallyMaria   Send PM to SallyMaria Blog
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: Of Lizards and White Horses


Since you say the poem is rough still I'll limit my comments to this. The conception works, what you are seeing in your head. I read somewhere, it might have been about Michelangelo, that a sculptor can 'see' the body inside the block of marble before taking chisel to the uncut, undressed stone.

Keep clearly what you see, Sally Maria. It is there.

Tere
Feb/1/2009, 5:39 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
SallyMaria Profile
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Re: Of Lizards and White Horses


Terre Thanks so much for your comment.

It came out and I have revised it, but there isn't a continuity. I wonder if it's the form (not that I use one), because when I read it, the listener feels it, gets it. But in print, it looks sorely lacking.

 I wonder if long sentences work better or shorter ones? If it wouldn't take 10 pages I would probably write this one with one-word lines. Sorry, thinking aloud. But if you have any suggestions, I would like to clean this up and I haven't been able to bring it into form. Interesting you mention giving form to rock.
Feb/1/2009, 9:17 pm Link to this post Send Email to SallyMaria   Send PM to SallyMaria Blog
 
Patricia Jones Profile
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Re: Of Lizards and White Horses


I love the way you tie gardening into this poem, tie it to the things we plant with love but they simply do not grow...it is a wonderful premise, Sally...a loss many readers will know. No matter how much you care for them, baby them along, love them, some will fail to thrive.

As an aside to Tere, many sculptors say that...true...but many others say they begin with nothing in mind, let the stone show them the way.

---
"Don't you worry--I ain't evil, I'm just bad".
~Chris Smither~
Feb/2/2009, 12:24 am Link to this post Send Email to Patricia Jones   Send PM to Patricia Jones
 
ChrisD1 Profile
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Re: Of Lizards and White Horses


hi Sally,

What comes through to me is tone or maybe, mood. From the first line:

"It's Winter now, the onions never grew."

I think the tone is mostly well sustained. I
want to banish the line,

"...you smiled your last
smile..."

Just seems precariously close to OTT. The last three strophes seem tweakable, but can't
say how just now. I like this.

Chris


Feb/2/2009, 1:36 pm Link to this post Send Email to ChrisD1   Send PM to ChrisD1
 
SallyMaria Profile
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Re: Of Lizards and White Horses


So interesting you say this Pat, because it was written about my oldest friend, a gardner, a shaman - who died of a broken heart. And I'm just realizing now that neither she or the potatoes thrived.
Interesting what you discover when someone else reads your poetry.

Chris - Thanks. I can see the OTT smile -and the last 3 bother me because in one sense they are longer, more wordy, but seem clipped and incomplete. I'll be working on this one - I'd like to be one that can thrives.


Feb/3/2009, 2:58 am Link to this post Send Email to SallyMaria   Send PM to SallyMaria Blog
 
carolinex Profile
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Re: Of Lizards and White Horses


Hi Sally,

You know I like this one a lot. I am suggesting quite a number of places to trim. Maybe just me...but maybe something to think about?

Ine

Of Lizards and White Horses

It's Winter now, the onions never grew.
(I never learned how long to leave
sweet potatoes in the ground). //these two lines seem to go on too long, maybe delete and just insert sweet potatoe vines in the next s

I watched the vines tangle,
flourish and die, figured it was time
and dug up brick walnuts.

I could hear you say to bury them
again. I didn't listen.//I think this reads a bit awkward, you are suggesting she is there with you even though she is gone, yes? I wonder if it would work to be present tense with the poem until here?

Last time I saw you we were in Alabama.//Last time I saw you was in Alabama
He wore you for years, left you at the bottom
of the laundry//dirty clothes//, then walked off (into nowhere.//delete?)
You were nowhere.

Another took you to Utah. I still
have the picture. (You smiled your last
smile.//some better description here) I'm glad you couldn't see how strong wind
could be, how sagebrush would cover crops grown
in desert,( I saw you lost. delete? next line says it better)
You were nowhere.

In Atlanta you gave me your white horse
to guard me from the snake in my dreams
now the snake is gone,//this is where the poem ends for me as it is. Though I like the image at the end.

 
(he is nowhere.

I've got red tears burned on my face and want
to ask if calendula takes it away
but all I have is//think about deleting all this?)
and end with:
 Josia, your horse,
(who) stands next to the rock where I sit,
without you. //or maybe you could do something with the you are nowhere here at the end again? Where are you? I like "without yo"u too.
Feb/3/2009, 1:34 pm Link to this post Send PM to carolinex
 
SallyMaria Profile
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Re: Of Lizards and White Horses


Thanks Ine - I'm too much in turmoil to revise now, but I really appreciate your comments. I can see you have nailed some of the problems and perhaps some of the fixes.

You are the best of friends...

s
Feb/3/2009, 11:49 pm Link to this post Send Email to SallyMaria   Send PM to SallyMaria Blog
 


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