Runboard.com
You're welcome.
Community logo






runboard.com       Sign up (learn about it) | Sign in (lost password?)

 
ChrisD1 Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
These are the wounds we wallow in


from first slice through parchment
covered root, the stock was set
to simmer

before we grasped the handle
of the worn down wooden spoon or got
how soft the slip down apron strings,
the skirt of gathered flowers

pounded on the rock. What a village
of pitiless daughters. Still the stove
is hot beneath the salted pot

pull a blind potato from the bin
peel it down to porous flesh
chop it rough and drop it in.

Last edited by Christine98, May/9/2010, 1:38 pm
Feb/2/2009, 1:51 pm Link to this post Send Email to ChrisD1   Send PM to ChrisD1
 
SallyMaria Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: These are the wounds we wallow in


Despite the fact that I have no idea how the title relates to the poem, or the meaning, it's beautiful.

One question:

"...before we grasped the handle
of the worn down wooden spoon or got
how soft the slip down apron strings,"

"got" - do you mean understood?
Feb/2/2009, 7:46 pm Link to this post Send Email to SallyMaria   Send PM to SallyMaria Blog
 
ChrisD1 Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: These are the wounds we wallow in


hey Sally,

Yes, got means understood. Thank you for reading and responding. As for the title; it's
negotiable.

Chris
Feb/3/2009, 9:20 am Link to this post Send Email to ChrisD1   Send PM to ChrisD1
 
Terreson Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: These are the wounds we wallow in


Oh, I get the title. This is exactly how it is when we too much love our wounds, cook them up and cook them up again for the taste(s).

And I notice the punctuated plosives on the lips of parchment, pounded, potato, and porous. Nice affect.

One suggestion. Second strophe needs a declaritive statement. Give a period at the end, or at least a semi-colon, to show two associated but seperate clauses. Otherwise the run-on into the thrid stanza confuses the sense.

This is a poem.

Tere
Feb/3/2009, 7:48 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
ChrisD1 Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: These are the wounds we wallow in


Thanks Tere. I'm reluctant to add that punctuation, though I see your point. But it's
getting late and I think better in the morning.
Thanks again.

Chris
Feb/3/2009, 8:53 pm Link to this post Send Email to ChrisD1   Send PM to ChrisD1
 
deepwaters Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: These are the wounds we wallow in


Well, Chris, my readings of your poems are (almost) always a mixture of love, envy, and inspiration. This piece is no exception...it is like pilates, it reaches muscles you never knew you had emoticon

One small nit, if I may:

quote:

ChrisD1
to simmer before we grasped the handle
of the worn down, wooden spoon or got
how soft the slip down apron strings,
the skirt of gathered flowers


the commas are so confusing to me. is the wooden spoon worn down? that's the path that I keep following, but then there is a comma and then [or] which makes it look like [wooden spoon] is in a disjunction...but now we have a verb [got] which cannot be in a disjunstion with a noun....so, then I go back to my original path that I stumbled one
we grasp the handle of the worn down spoon, or we understand how soft the slip down apron strings..
in which case I have a bit of trouble figuring out what 'strings' is refering to...the flowers are in a string?

as always, just my two cents. keep it away from the pot if it is not helpful. thanks for the read.
-shabnam
Feb/3/2009, 10:42 pm Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
ChrisD1 Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: These are the wounds we wallow in


Shab,

Thank you for reading and making the effort to specify the confusing bits. Your italicized interpretation of the meaning is what I intended. Now both you and Tere are finding similar stumbling blocks to comprehending this thing. I sure didn't mean to frustrate the reader in this way so some tweaking seems in order. Thing is, I actually like this one or I should say, it feels confident of itself. Is that weird?

It's an apron with a gathered, flower-patterned skirt. You know, kind of soft and faded from being old and washed a lot. Kind of thing you find in the drawer in your mother's kitchen.

Thank you again, Shab. Thank you very much.

Chris
Feb/4/2009, 9:23 am Link to this post Send Email to ChrisD1   Send PM to ChrisD1
 
Dragon59 Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: These are the wounds we wallow in


Having often been accused of using punctuation idiosyncratically and inconsistently myself, I am hesitant to suggest that part of your problem here is your punctuation, but I do think that's why folks are getting confused. I had to read this a few times before it became less baffling.

But the problem isn't poetic ambiguity—it's confusion or unclarity. I don't get any sense the poem is trying to be ambiguous—actually it's rather blunt—but the phrasing is a bit unfocused.

I already knew what the poem was about. It couldn't be more obvious. I think your title is so declarative, so obvious, that you don't need to hammer the point home in the poem. How could we not "get it"? The metaphor of cooking and recooking is a good metaphor, and the title really is so explicit that it's hard to miss that it's a metaphor.

So "worn down wooden spoon" doesn't NEED that comma there.

Consider dropping ALL the commas, and just leaving in the periods and capitalizations. That gives a smoother run-on feel that the lines break across. Or, perhaps, add a comma or two here and there to clarify some spots where the meaning is confusing. What we have at the moment feels like halfhearted punctuation, not really committed to either flow or to clarity. I stumble on it.

I do like the cooking and kitchen metaphors. Is it possible to make this poem a bit more metaphoric, a bit more poetic, perhaps by making that title a little less like a hammerblow? At the moment, it reads—to me, if to no one else—as so blunt and blatant that it's rather overpowering. The rest of the poem sort of cowers under its shadow, and feels weaker than it should.

For example, if the title was "To curry the wound," it would be both softer (and ambiguous) and would lead right into the first line. (Or "savor" instead of "curry.")

The other reason I would start with a title actually leads into the poem's first line is because that's how you've punctuated this poem. As it is, there's a full stop between the title and the first line, and therefore starting the first line as a lower-case sentence while the rest of the poem uses upper-case sentences and periods just LOOKS wrong. It looks inconsistent. If you connect the title to the first line—effectively you make the title the first clause of a sentence that the first line continues—it will fix the apparent inconsistencies in punctuation.

In which case you might also drop "from first" from the first line. It forces that line to be a full sentence, and uncapitalized it just looks wrong.

Also, you use "wallow" in the title, but then the metaphor is cooking, not wallowing. The title gave me an image of wallowing in mud or blood, but that isn't followed up with, in the poem. That's another source of confusion and unfocused meaning in the poem.

(These comments are about the poem's internal logic and construction, not about making the poem adhere to prose grammar rules. They're about bringing the poem into focus, nothing more.)




Last edited by Dragon59, Feb/4/2009, 10:31 am


---
www.arthurdurkee.net
lcgallery.tv
artdurkee.blogspot.com
ruralplainsgay.blogspot.com
Feb/4/2009, 10:23 am Link to this post Send Email to Dragon59   Send PM to Dragon59
 
ChrisD1 Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: These are the wounds we wallow in


Thanks Dragon. Feels like you nailed it. Thank you for the helpful input.

Chris
Feb/4/2009, 1:24 pm Link to this post Send Email to ChrisD1   Send PM to ChrisD1
 
Katlin Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: These are the wounds we wallow in


Hi Chris,

I read this when you first posted it and before others had commented. I was struck by how well the extended metaphor works and how effective the sounds in the poem are. I got a little confused in the first stanza and thought it might be less confusing to the reader if you broke the stanza into two:

"from first slice through parchment
covered root, the stock was set
to simmer

before we grasped the handle
of the worn down, wooden spoon or got
how soft the slip down apron strings,
the skirt of gathered flowers"

I like the turn the poem takes at the end, after "What a village/of pitiless daughters." You have packed a lot of emotional history into a short space.
 
Feb/9/2009, 1:58 pm Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
ChrisD1 Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: These are the wounds we wallow in


Thank you, Kait,

You've untangled the first stanza and let the sun shine in! Now for a new title.

Chris
Feb/9/2009, 2:31 pm Link to this post Send Email to ChrisD1   Send PM to ChrisD1
 


Add a reply





You are not logged in (login)