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deepwaters Profile
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Immaculate


Immaculate

The day after I died, the soft shake of the wings on my back
I read to be a sign of my approval at last. My wish in death
granted as in my dreams, to fly in to the chest of the wind.

Yet there I stood wishing for my fluffed pillow and hard bed,
the divine pine air no match for the salty smell of my bay
where I wished for my lover's heart to be love-stretched again.

The thousand angels I found in training for a war that would
never be won, looked at me with their olive eyes floating
under undisturbed waters wondering how long it will be

before I would speculate that heaven is not perfect.


Feb/4/2009, 1:26 pm Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: Immaculate


Oh, I am loving the conception behind the poem. And how it is executed with the lightest of hands. I can find no faults.

And what I especially respond to is a certain sentiment. One poet has said that a poet's piety is a natural piety. He further explained that a poet's first allegience is to the here and now. He went on to say that poetry has nothing to do with, no truck with, the here-after. I've always intuitively thought he was intuitively right. Your poem proves his point.

By the way, the poet was John Crowe Ransom

Tere
Feb/4/2009, 4:58 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: Immaculate


Hi Shab,

I also liked the concept behind this poem, and I especially liked the lines:

". . . My wish in death
granted as in my dreams, to fly in to the chest of the wind."

I noticed that you used the word "wish" three times in the first two stanzas. Repetition can work well, but I'm not sure it serves you here. You might consider alternating your word choice. For example, "Yet there I stood wanting my fluffed pillow and hard bed,"

I got confused in S3 by the syntax and also the sense. You might consider something like: "never be won. They looked at me. . ." I know that would create a fragment, but I think it might help to break up that long sentence somehow. One question I had was: how does the N know the war will never be won?

Overall, I like the new tone I detect in a number of your poems. Even when the subjects are serious, there is something imaginative, whimsical and almost playful in them that I find appealing.
Feb/10/2009, 11:53 am Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
deepwaters Profile
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Re: Immaculate


My dear TereSir -

Thank you for seeing what the piece was after and for commenting on it. Muchly appreciated.
-shab

Feb/12/2009, 10:12 pm Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
deepwaters Profile
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Re: Immaculate


Katlin -

Thank you for visiting this piece.

quote:


I noticed that you used the word "wish" three times in the first two stanzas. Repetition can work well, but I'm not sure it serves you here. You might consider alternating your word choice. For example, "Yet there I stood wanting my fluffed pillow and hard bed,"


I totally agree. Thanks for catching that.


quote:

One question I had was: how does the N know the war will never be won?


hmm....she will have to think about that.

quote:

Overall, I like the new tone I detect in a number of your poems. Even when the subjects are serious, there is something imaginative, whimsical and almost playful in them that I find appealing.


You couldn't have said anything nicer to me. Thank you very much.
-shab
Feb/12/2009, 10:15 pm Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 


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