Runboard.com
You're welcome.
Community logo






runboard.com       Sign up (learn about it) | Sign in (lost password?)

 
CF90 Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
COSMIC ALCHEMY


COSMIC ALCHEMY.

We know something of that Beginning and that End.

Our minds are composed from the dust of long dead stars.
(Gold, lead and uranium)

The iron in our blood, the calcium of our bones
were all forged in such stellar implosions.

Some say dust is the Beginning;
Turning endlessly, forming nebulas
Blooming with the red and blue light
Of Babylon- the gateway to the Gods.

Shedding fire at minus 270 degrees.

Others believe it to represent the End;
ashes to ashes, dust to dust etc.

It is true then to say that we are children of dead stars,
children of the vast unshapen Nothing,
that our minds hold memories of that
Beginning and that End.

Some are certain by the light of own their minds
That dust knows no time; therefore we exist before and after,

Being that we are the one pure synthesis of the

Beginning and the End.

.

.
Had to start again with my account.
Anyway my old name was CFshadow_maker
Feb/6/2009, 2:32 am Link to this post Send Email to CF90   Send PM to CF90
 
Terreson Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: COSMIC ALCHEMY


I very much like the poem's idea, CF. I think it could benefit from more specificity, more incidentals, and less generalizing. It seems to me that poetry is at its best when it bodies out the big ideas in the fleshy way. Maybe come back to the poem with an eye to giving it texture. But again. Good on you for going after the big thing.

If I may ask, how did you lose your other account?

Tere
Feb/6/2009, 1:22 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
CF90 Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: COSMIC ALCHEMY


Tere,

I am happy to know you like the idea. I strugggle between too much information/fact and not enough. I worry having too much will remove the mystical aspect, reducing it to mere science (i realise the smugness of that last line)--- Too little information and it feels unfocused, like I have no control over the idea.

These parts were me trying to get the specificty/texture.

(Gold, lead and uranium)

The iron in our blood, the calcium of our bones
were all forged in such stellar implosions.

Turning endlessly, forming nebulas
Blooming with the red and blue light
Of Babylon- the gateway to the Gods.

Shedding fire at minus 270 degrees.


I struggle for anything more...do you have any suggestions Tere.

Appreaciate your thoughtful comments and the time you took.

Be Well

Chris

I lost my other account, because I lost that email. I have two emails I use, my university email (c.noonan@ugrad.melb.edu.au) and my own computer email (chrisnoonan@optusnet.com.au)...Anyway I lost that email which I was origionally with and I then forgot my password.....you can imagine what happened emoticon

Last edited by CF90, Feb/6/2009, 9:34 pm
Feb/6/2009, 9:30 pm Link to this post Send Email to CF90   Send PM to CF90
 
Katlin Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: COSMIC ALCHEMY


Hi Chris,

This is a thinking poem. "In the end is our beginning."

For some reason, I thought the second and third stanzas might work better as fragments:

"Our minds composed from the dust of long dead stars.

The iron in our blood, the calcium of our bones
all forged in such stellar implosions."

I also thought you might tweak this line to:

"Others believe it represents the End;"

I wasn't sure about the use of "memories" here:

"that our minds hold memories of that
Beginning and that End."

Imprints, blueprints? Something less human?

I think you might drop "That" in these two sections and just write:

"Some are certain by the light of own their minds
Dust knows no time"

"It is true then to say we are children of dead stars,
children of the vast unshapen Nothing,"

If it doesn't change your meaning too much, you might consider dropping the comma here:

"therefore we exist before and after

Being. . ."

I really like the ending:

"we are the one pure synthesis of the

Beginning and the End."

The changes I have suggested are meant to streamline the poem a bit, and I hope are in keeping with the poem's voice. Some people like specific inline suggestions; some people don't. If you don't, then please take these comments with a dose of salt or disregard them all together! They aren't meant to come across as a teacher's red scribblings but as an interested reader's close reading.

HTH.
Feb/9/2009, 7:30 pm Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
aticama Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: COSMIC ALCHEMY


Esoteric, but in some places vague. What is hidden in this is a good writer growing. That is what I like about it.

Best berto

---
Censorship is the last desperate tool of the weak minded and verbally compromised. aticama@comcast,net
http://american-horse-enterprises.com
Mar/7/2009, 1:07 am Link to this post Send Email to aticama   Send PM to aticama Yahoo Blog
 
CF90 Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: COSMIC ALCHEMY


Warning! OLD NEWS AHEAD! :-)

Katlin and aticama.

I offer no excuse as to my extremly late reply to your generous crits.

I do aplogise, your time and comments mean a great deal.

~

Katlin,

This is a thinking poem -
No I must ask: are not all poems,
'thinkning poems' - i do understand what you mean by this tho.

 - I wasn't sure about the use of "memories" here:

"that our minds hold memories of that
Beginning and that End."

Imprints, blueprints? Something less human? -

Yes, memories is entirely the wrong word, it is more like an imprint, as you say -- the substance of our minds were composed from dead stars or should I say stars which go nova, surely they hold something of that beginning, that glorious moment?

- I think you might drop "That" in these two sections and just write: -

Yes good advice. Will heed it.

 - The changes I have suggested are meant to streamline the poem a bit, and I hope are in keeping with the poem's voice. Some people like specific inline suggestions; some people don't. If you don't, then please take these comments with a dose of salt or disregard them all together! They aren't meant to come across as a teacher's red scribblings but as an interested reader's close reading. -

Any crit is a good crit in my book Katlin.
the changes you propse are extremly helpful and will serve me well in revision. This piece fell by the way side a bit, I will admit.

- They aren't meant to come across as a teacher's red scribblings but as an interested reader's close reading. -

No, I thankyou for them, they are far from that "red scribble" I know far too well lol.
That put a smile on my face.

Kind regards,
chris
Apr/23/2009, 12:01 am Link to this post Send Email to CF90   Send PM to CF90
 
CF90 Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: COSMIC ALCHEMY


Aticama,

Thankyou for your generous comment.

Looking at this piece now, I am happy with the idea, but embarrased by the execution. One for the drawer, to be looked upon at an even later date.

Best,
Chris
Apr/23/2009, 12:03 am Link to this post Send Email to CF90   Send PM to CF90
 
Terreson Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: COSMIC ALCHEMY


Well, Chrisman, if you shelve the poem please don't shelve the idea. I think you have more to work with here than might seem so to you. What particularly interest this reader is how the poem weaves through the connection between the stuff of stars and the stuff of animal, or human, life.

Tere
Apr/23/2009, 6:17 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
dmanister Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info



Reply | Quote
Re: COSMIC ALCHEMY


Chris,

Some wonderful passages and phrases in this. I love "children of dead stars."

But in general it sounds like the writer has been watching too much NOVA.

Most of these facts are not news flashes; we've learned it all before from Michio Kaku.

And who besides a scientiest or NASA cares what the chemical elements of stardust are?

Instead of mixing a lecture on cosmology in with some fine poetry, why not concentrate on the narrator's subjective experience of these scientific facts?

Diana

.
Jun/3/2009, 8:38 am Link to this post Send Email to dmanister   Send PM to dmanister
 


Add a reply





You are not logged in (login)