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deepwaters Profile
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Marriage


Marriage
slightly edited:

My dowry, six camels. Their soft beige coats
with a gentle rock between the humps
carrying the sound of the Caspian waves

The young bird smashing herself
against my heart, settled in your palms
when you offered the honey-colored clouds
you had been collecting in your eyes.

Eyes that now disappear
in a spiral of lines every time you smile.

-----------
original:
I came to you on a hot day
as summer was fanning herself
under the shade of an overgrown willow.

My dowry, six camels. Their soft beige coats
carrying the sound of the Caspian waves
gently rocking between the humps.

The young bird smashing herself
against the walls of my heart, settled
in your palms when you offered the clouds
you had been collecting in your eyes.

Eyes that were the color of night
right after thunder struck, eyes that now
disappear in a spiral of lines every time you smile.




Last edited by deepwaters, Jul/25/2009, 3:06 pm
Feb/12/2009, 10:20 pm Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
ChrisD1 Profile
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Re: Marriage


Shab,

This has some lovely sounds and images:

"My dowry six camels. Their soft beige coats
carrying the sound of the Caspian waves..."

love, "dowry/sound, beige/waves, soft beige
carrying/Caspian"...very rich almost sensual combination of sounds. "Beige" conveys as much texture as color here. Felt like I could just roll around in the lines. But couldn't follow "gently rocking between their humps" which is hard to envision and awkward feeling.

Also :

"eyes...the color of night...
summer was fanning herself
the walls of my heart...

all seem cliche-ish or OTT. My two cents alone. I'm interested to see what others think.

Thanks for posting this Shab.

Chris

Feb/14/2009, 9:24 am Link to this post Send Email to ChrisD1   Send PM to ChrisD1
 
deepwaters Profile
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Re: Marriage


Chris -
Thank you for your feedback...I was just about to write my own critic of shab, this is terrible, nothing new, nothing fresh, just re-milling the old crap. give it up already, hang your coat and go find some other room to mess with. so, it doesn't surprise me that you find some cliche-ish material in there. Thanks again for commenting.
-s
Feb/14/2009, 2:25 pm Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: Marriage


I too stumble where Chrisfriend stumbled. But I also think the poem points to a larger, more expansive, and textured poem. More story, more sound, more image play, just more texture.

Tere
Feb/14/2009, 3:39 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: Marriage


Hi Shab,

I take it that the N is a young girl, and a romantic one at that. For that reason, some of the more poetic lines in S 1 and 3 do not strike me as over the top. I can see why some would think the bird smashing against the walls of the heart is a bit of a cliche, but it works for me.

I really like these lines:

"Their soft beige coats
carrying the sound of the Caspian waves
gently rocking between the humps."

I stumble a bit in the last stanza. I like:

"Eyes that were the color of night
right after thunder struck,"

but find the ending less convincing:

". . .eyes that now
disappear in a spiral of lines every time you smile."

I'd like something more open-ended or mysterious there. Maybe something more layered, as Tere suggests, or something that shows us more about the possibilities, the twists and turns, of the story. I don't think you mean for the poem to end, "And they lived happily ever after" but that's the feeling I get now, as the poem stands.

HTH.

Hey Shab, I'm back because I just realized that you were intending to say this couple lived happily, if not ever after, at least for many years, and that this was, in fact, the point of the poem. It seemed like a fairy tale ending to me, but why not? My bad.





Last edited by Katlin, Feb/21/2009, 9:02 am
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Zakzzz5 Profile
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Re: Marriage


Deepwaters,

The poem is compact, pretty straight-forward in it's concept. The execution, however, mixes older, traditional uses of images, techniques with more modern ones. The transition between the older and the newer needs to be worked out a little better; either than or work back to the older style and stick to it. Please disregard anything that doesn't make sense to you. Enjoyed it. Zak

quote:

deepwaters wrote:

Marriage

I came to you on a hot day
as summer was fanning herself
under the shade of an overgrown willow. [I like this though it isn't stunning.]

My dowry, six camels. Their soft beige coats
carrying the sound of the Caspian waves
gently rocking between the humps. [This is good, clean writing.]

The young bird smashing herself
against the walls of my heart, settled
in your palms when you offered the clouds
you had been collecting in your eyes. [I particularly like the clouds you had been collecting in your eyes. The bird smashing herself against the walls of my heart harkens back to another poetic age. I don't think there's anything wrong with writing a poem in an old style, but it's a difficult thing to either make it consistently in the mode of another time, or to "borrow" certain concepts for a modern poem and make it work. That's probably an essay in itself to talk about how some might be able to do it.]

Eyes that were the color of night
right after thunder struck, eyes that now
disappear in a spiral of lines every time you smile. [This again is borrowing something from the past -- describing eyes that way -- while the disappearing appears to be a modern conceit.]





Feb/21/2009, 7:00 am Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
ChrisD1 Profile
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Re: Marriage


Shab,

It pains me that my comments caused you to feel
so discouraged. Judging from the more thoughtful comments which followed, mine was too hasty and not helpful. I withdraw it with
apologies.

Chris
Feb/21/2009, 11:51 am Link to this post Send Email to ChrisD1   Send PM to ChrisD1
 
deepwaters Profile
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Re: Marriage


Tere-
Thank you for pointing out what doesn’t work for you.

Kaitlin-
I have gotten rid of S1. I also changed the description of the eyes slightly, see if it works better now.

Regarding the texture, I will have to wait some and see what I can come up with. My ending with the "lines" was just an attempt at expressing aging. But, I can see that it possibly is bypassing all challenges of a marriage and gives a fluffy ending. Thanks for your thoughts on it.

Zak-
I am not sure I understand the old versus modern poetic uses, but that’s my shortcoming. Thanks for bringing it up for me to notice.

Chris-
My comment wasn’t an expression of how you made me feel. No, no, no. really. You have no reason to feel bad. I always like reading your work, and respect your thoughts and comments. Keep them coming!

Thanks everyone for visiting this piece. I am late in replying because I have been recovering from oral surgery. I really appreciate you all and the existence of this board.
Feb/21/2009, 7:19 pm Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: Marriage


quote:

I have been recovering from oral surgery.



Oh no. Over in the Dew Drop Inn thread, I suggested people could write, among other things, about a harrowing dentist appointment. I'm sorry to hear that was literally the case for you. Hope you feel better soon.
Feb/22/2009, 2:28 pm Link to this post Send Email to Katlin   Send PM to Katlin
 
aticama Profile
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Re: Marriage


Shad

I am not a poetry crit, that is because personally I do not think that thoughts like this should be crited, they are too personal, and no matter what said, deeply rooted in the scribe’s psyche. As thus sacred.

This is a complete love story in a few lines. From “My dowry, six camels.” To “eyes that now
disappear in a spiral of lines every time you smile.”

Lovely. Bravo.
berto


---
Censorship is the last desperate tool of the weak minded and verbally compromised. aticama@comcast,net
http://american-horse-enterprises.com
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deepwaters Profile
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Re: Marriage


Berto -

I apologize for coming to this so late. You are right about the story starting at 'my dowry.' My revision reflects that. Thanks for you kind comments.
-shab
Jul/25/2009, 3:07 pm Link to this post Send Email to deepwaters   Send PM to deepwaters
 


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