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aticama Profile
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The Ravens Scream


I am only going to do this one time so as not to lower the standards of this board to much. I am sure that after this you will ask me to please stick to my prose, and in that you will be showing me kindness.

This is the end of a poem that rambled on to asphyxiation and finally smothers itself. This is it death rattle.

Yep, that is a fair assessment, so please do not hesitate to post your reaction.

Best, berto

*************


We are the enemy in our own flesh and blood,
the Madhatter and the Queen of Hearts,
Sundays leftovers in Mondays dinner,
the fruit that withers while we weep,
our road in chains of gold and silver we keep.

Unstopped by the tears and the torment and the rain.
Unstopped by the years and the moment and the pain.

Our road,
our life,
our way in the darkness,
our unkempt street.
Obstacles never overcome,
the depredation we cast at our feet,
unrealistic goals we are unable to meet.

Death,
as birth,
is our defeat,
our life is our curse,
the raven’s scream at the heart of darkness is not the worst.

Aticama, Nayarit, Mexico, Some time ago.


---
Censorship is the last desperate tool of the weak minded and verbally compromised. aticama@comcast,net
http://american-horse-enterprises.com
Mar/7/2009, 1:52 am Link to this post Send Email to aticama   Send PM to aticama Yahoo Blog
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: The Ravens Scream


I don't know if this is good poetry. My sense is that this is writing looking to get to something real.

Tere
Mar/7/2009, 2:10 am Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
aticama Profile
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Re: The Ravens Scream


Tere

Thank you for your kindness. It never got there, that is why I quit the foolishness. Leave the poetry to poets, I feel safer with long line.

Best, berto


---
Censorship is the last desperate tool of the weak minded and verbally compromised. aticama@comcast,net
http://american-horse-enterprises.com
Mar/7/2009, 2:22 am Link to this post Send Email to aticama   Send PM to aticama Yahoo Blog
 
Zakzzz5 Profile
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Re: The Ravens Scream


aticama,

This rolls along like rock and roll. There are very few poets who try to write rhyme, which you do some of the time. I put down one place where the rhythm was a bit uneven, for some reason. It definitely echoes some of your writing. Zak

quote:

aticama wrote:

I am only going to do this one time so as not to lower the standards of this board to much. I am sure that after this you will ask me to please stick to my prose, and in that you will be showing me kindness.

This is the end of a poem that rambled on to asphyxiation and finally smothers itself. This is it death rattle.

Yep, that is a fair assessment, so please do not hesitate to post your reaction.

Best, berto

*************


We are the enemy in our own flesh and blood,
the Madhatter and the Queen of Hearts,
Sundays leftovers in Mondays dinner,
the fruit that withers while we weep,
our road in chains of gold and silver we keep.

Unstopped by the tears and the torment and the rain.
Unstopped by the years and the moment and the pain.

Our road,
our life,
our way in the darkness,
our unkempt street.
Obstacles never overcome, [I stumbled in this rhythm break in this line.]
the depredation we cast at our feet,
unrealistic goals we are unable to meet.

Death,
as birth,
is our defeat,
our life is our curse,
the raven’s scream at the heart of darkness is not the worst.

Aticama, Nayarit, Mexico, Some time ago.



null
Mar/14/2009, 6:33 am Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 


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