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spoonz Profile
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Recitative


Air marries water-
bears rain
holes congregate
weave nets

Instruments detail
quiet minds,
empty seas,
universal void.

Come the thaw,
springs stretch and finger
the crouching hills.

I crouch-
tin pan,
sand and stream.

Last edited by spoonz, Mar/12/2009, 7:03 am
Mar/12/2009, 7:01 am Link to this post Send Email to spoonz   Send PM to spoonz
 
Katlin Profile
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Re: Recitative


Hi spoonz,

Welcome to Delectable Mnts. It's good to see you here. emoticon

I like the last two stanzas of this poem:

Come the thaw,
springs stretch and finger
the crouching hills.

I crouch-
tin pan,
sand and stream.

I like the sensuality of the langauge, the crouch/crouch word play and the way the last image also works as a metaphor. I am less certain about the first two stanzas, however, and about the relationship between the poem and the title. There are some connections within the poem I'm not making. Will come back to this when my mind is clearer.


  

Last edited by Katlin, Mar/12/2009, 1:32 pm
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Terreson Profile
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Re: Recitative


Oh my! Is this the Spoonzfriend with whom I worked in the old AOL poetry chat rooms? She was about the best host I ever worked with and taught me a lot. Either way you are welcome to the board. I am hoping you take to the digs.

S2 strikes me as weak, seeing how it deals in the abstract and so is less concrete. Or perhaps it is L4 that falls flat.

S4 particularly works for me. Suddenly I see this scene that makes for an epiphany of connections between speaker and the surrounding hills. What amounts to a recitative or a repetition in rehearsal.

Tere

Last edited by Terreson, Mar/12/2009, 6:26 pm
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spoonz Profile
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Re: Recitative


Hello Katlin & Terre - I appreciate your visiting this piece. In in my effort to clean up what I thought were excesses in S1-S2, it seems I may have rendered them too obscure. I'll work on those...

The idea was emptiness or things thought to be unsubstantial actually yielding great wealth and fullness. S1 the air carrying rain and holes stitched together to form nets. S2 minds, seas, space - shown to be largely empty or unused space but full of so many interesting things despite their relative emptiness. Ties in to S3-S4 where N is panning for gold a metaphor for expecting great things from ordinary circumstance despite the absolute unlikeliness of it all.

And the title - a conversation in everyday language, rather than a lofty monologue (aria). Metaphorically ties into S2 with instruments and stretch and finger in S3 (but springs not stings). Music is also very temporal, the pauses or empty spaces as important, as the filled ones.

Terre - maybe a new spoonzfriend, but, alas not the old. One is silver and the other is gold. emoticon

Again, I thank you.
~spoonz~
Mar/15/2009, 5:52 pm Link to this post Send Email to spoonz   Send PM to spoonz
 
Terreson Profile
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Re: Recitative


Well, new spoonzfriend, I am like so chuckling. (said in my world famous valley girl imitation with head wagging and all.) Silver and gold indeed. But now I got to ask. My other spoonz friend gave herself the online name because of her penchant for collecting spoons. You got the same predisposition?

Silliness aside, it strikes me that you just did something maybe more of us should do among our peers. You just explained your design. Certainly this can't be a bad thing, especially with folk who have just parsed a poet's poem. About the cleaning up of S1 and S2. This weekend I've been thinking about texture as a feature of poetry, perhaps even its defining feature. If interested check out my short post in Discussion I on the topic. And so I am now wondering if maybe the hand of Mr. Clean can maybe take a a few too many layers off the surface in the name of shine.

Again, welcome to the board. She's a slim sailing vessel. But she rides high and has great ballast.

Tere
Mar/15/2009, 9:38 pm Link to this post Send Email to Terreson   Send PM to Terreson
 
Zakzzz5 Profile
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Re: Recitative


spoon,

I like individual images and words, but fair to see the connection thematically between the first two stanzas and the last two. Enjoyed it. Zak
quote:

spoonz wrote:

Air marries water-
bears rain
holes congregate
weave nets [I particularly like the phrases "bears rain" and "weave nets" as they bounce off each other.]

Instruments detail
quiet minds,
empty seas,
universal void. [Not sure I like "instruments" and would prefer a specific nautical instrument of some kind. Like the building of water and seas and the void, though]

Come the thaw,
springs stretch and finger
the crouching hills. [Could not connect thaw and spring with the earlier stanzas. Don't see the thematic connection.]

I crouch-
tin pan,
sand and stream. [Again, the last two stanzas appear to be hitting a different theme from the first two. ]



Mar/16/2009, 4:41 pm Link to this post Send Email to Zakzzz5   Send PM to Zakzzz5
 
spoonz Profile
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Re: Recitative


Hi'ya Zak, thanks so much for your crit. I've pruned this one a bit overmuch meethinks. I'll shelve it for a bit and let it age... Thanks again, spoonz
Mar/28/2009, 5:43 am Link to this post Send Email to spoonz   Send PM to spoonz
 


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